Updated information on Veteran Benefits, featured Military Bloggers, the You Served Podcast and various other news and information relevant to Veterans.
A few days ago, I wrote about an experience I had meeting SFC Zeke. I wanted to share a story written by SPC Darryl Montgomery about my newfound friend. I’m lucky enough that I get to see Zeke almost whenever I want as long as he’s here since he’s based on Kandahar Airfield. Something I also learned today is that Zeke is a blood donor for some of the other working dogs! This dog is amazing.
Sgt. 1st Class Zeke, a therapy dog with the 113th Combat Stress Control team visited Forward Operating Base Spin Boldak, Sept. 23, to greet soldiers and help alleviate some of the stress they incur while being deployed. In addition to getting to pet Zeke and play with him, the soldiers learned about his role as a therapy dog and about the programs the Combat Stress Control teams offer when it comes to dealing with tough times. Continue reading →
It’s been over two years since General Chiarelli and the rest of the Army leadership released its plan to remove the stigma seeking mental health counseling for PTS and PTSD. One of the first things Secretary Gates did was remove the question from security clearance interviews about seeking mental health counseling. This went a long way to helping Soldiers come forward to talk about PTS issues, me especially. And, after two years of seeking counseling and two separate commands, I still maintain my clearance. But, we still have a long way to go in helping our troops, in my opinion.
While it’s easy to help troops that come forward and seek help, we still can’t seem to recognize those troops who are trying to bottle it up inside. Sure, we all get the briefings about what to look for, but I guess we simply aren’t looking.
Case in point, I know a Soldier currently whom I thought was an outstanding Soldier, a Specialist (E4). He loved his job, had pride in what he did, and was a good Soldier. He never got into trouble and appeared to be on track to making NCO.
Then, something happened.
That something was returning from combat and being told by his wife that she was seeing another man and couldn’t handle military life any longer. She demanded – and received – a divorce. This, of course, devastated the Soldier. He became reclusive and started being late to formation. Then he started missing formation completely. His standards dropped and he became testy with seniors. He was given corrective action in the form of extra training and non-judicial punishment (Article 15). He lost rank and money. Because of this, he started experimenting with drugs. He got caught and was punished again. He went AWOL and was put on suicide watch and punished again.
Yet, other than a friend recommending he seek treatment, no one in his leadership thought to stop and ask why such a stellar Soldier had become such a “dirtbag” and understand his situation. Granted, bad behavior can’t just be swept under the carpet, but if there is a reason behind the behavior shouldn’t we try to correct those issues CAUSING the behavior?
We leaders, NCOs and officers, need to take a step back every now and then and try to look at these situations objectively from the outside. When Soldiers feel like we don’t care and just compound the problem with needless punishments and misunderstandings about the true cause of events, we do a disservice to troops who are crying out for help. Our actions could very well push these Soldiers over the brink into a worse situation than that in which they started.
I’m not advocating babying troops and allowing them to get away with everything. There is a way to punish Soldiers for bad behavior while also providing the needed assistance to prevent it in the future. I asked the Soldier how many of his leaders have sat down with him as a concerned Soldier and leader and tried to find out about his personal life. The answer: none.
TriWest Healthcare Alliance has a new Disease Management program for Major Depression now being offered to eligible West Region TRICARE beneficiaries.
Beneficiaries suffering from Major Depression, also known as clinical depression, can receive extra help through TriWest Healthcare Alliance, which manages the TRICARE military healthcare entitlement on behalf of the Department of Defense (DoD) for 21 western states.
Major Depression is the most common depressive disorder. More than 20 million Americans have been diagnosed with depression according to the National Institutes of Health—about the equivalent of New York State’s population. Clinical depression is a disabling disease characterized by persistent and enduring sadness, unhappiness and negativity that interfere with one’s daily life. Generally, a person who is depressed also exhibits at least three other symptoms, such as sleep disturbance, significant drop in energy levels, weight gain or loss and frequent irritability.
TriWest’s Disease Management department also offers support to beneficiaries with diabetes, asthma, lung diseases (COPD) and heart failure. The depression program, launched by TriWest in November, is a no-cost entitlement for those who are eligible. Eligibility is determined by TRICARE and is based on claims history. Once a beneficiary is identified as eligible to participate in the program, the DoD refers the beneficiary to TriWest. A Disease Management health coach then contacts the beneficiary and invites him or her to participate in the program.
The Major Depression Disease Management Program has a number of services to help beneficiaries including a health coach who works with the beneficiary and the primary care manager to tailor an action plan. The health coach will then work with the beneficiary until the plan’s goals are met. As needed, the beneficiary can also access smoking cessation, exercise, medication and nutrition help from his or her TriWest health coach.
TriWest also works alongside the Military Health System to offer additional behavioral health resources to support those in need, including the TRICARE Assistance Program (TRIAP). Here eligible beneficiaries, including services members and their families, can access private, confidential counseling sessions 24/7 with a licensed therapist via Internet (Skype), chat or over the telephone. These sessions are non-clinical and intended for general life issues, such as stress management or relationship problems. For more information, visit www.triwest.com/onlinecare.
We You Served folks love highlighting the many great shows coming out lately that highlight the great and patriotic things our troops are doing. Current reality shows that showcase our military and veterans have left me fully satisfied. But, that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for more great show like Special Ops Missions, Surviving the Cut, and Top Shot.
Well, there’s always room for a show that is destined to help troops with an important issue facing them today – PTSD. The Military Channel premiered a new show on Sunday called “Horse Sense and Soldiers”. My assumption is that it will re-air, but I’m not sure when. Perhaps if all my readers email the channel, they will air it again.
Below is an excellent article written in 1995. It’s a great primer and introduction to PTSD, and it also would be a great way for younger teens and kids to learn about it.
Why Is Daddy Like He Is?
By Patience H. C. Mason
I used to think that if I was quiet as a mouse, my Daddy would be okay. But that’s not true.
My Mom says my Dad has PTSD.
“What’s PTSD, Mom?” I asked. She likes to explain things.
“P” is for post, which means after.
“T” is for traumatic–dangerous.
So the letters PT stand for Post-Traumatic, but they mean “after danger.”
“What about the SD, Mom?”
“S” is for stress, because it’s very stressful to be in danger.
“D” is for disorder. That means your life gets out of order. Your life isn’t like it would have been if you’d never been in danger.
“The whole word, PTSD, means after the terrible danger, a person can have this disorder.”
“PTSD is a normal reaction to really bad experiences, like seeing your house burn down or seeing someone killed–not killed like on TV, but killed for real, like when the kitty was run over.”
“Yeah,” I Said. “I remember that. I still feel awful about it sometimes.”
“Daddy has PTSD from the war. He saw people killed and houses burn and it’s hard for him to get over that.”
My mom likes to talk a lot.
“Yeah, but why does he always talk about the war?” I asked.
Why does he have nightmares? Why can’t we touch him when he’s asleep?
Why does he yell so much?
Why won’t he talk to me?
Why won’t he listen to me?
Why doesn’t he like me?
Why doesn’t he spend time with us?
Why is he so bossy about everything?
Why does he always worry about something happening to me?
Why won’t he let me do anything?
“When you have a cold you have symptoms,” Mom explained, “like a runny nose and cough.
Daddy has symptoms, too.”
“Some of his PTSD symptoms are numb symptoms– Sometimes it seems like he doesn’t have caring feelings…like he’s not there.
“Daddy had to numb his feelings in Vietnam so he could do his job and now it’s hard for him to show that he cares, but he does care.”
Mom told me some of the other symptoms are remembering symptoms. That is why Daddy talks about it so much. He can’t forget.
That’s probably why he worries so much. And why he doesn’t want us to do things. He is remembering that a little mistake can make someone die.
He wants us to be safe.
He wants to protect us from everything.
His nightmares are remembering symptoms, too.
Some of the symptoms of PTSD are like freak-out symptoms.
Daddy got used to being real alert and ready for attacks even when he was sleeping. Now he reacts before he’s awake as if he still needs to protect himself from being killed. That’s why we don’t touch him when he’s asleep. He might hit us thinking he was still in the war.
Mom thinks that is also why he gets mad so fast.
Sometimes in a war you have to get that mad to have the strength to save your life.
You don’t have time to think it over in a war–you just get mad.
When he gets mad real fast it sure can scare me!
Mom said sometimes the symptoms combine, too–combine means add together– and men like Daddy can be so numb, they don’t know they are getting angry until they are angry to control it.
And sometimes they can be so numb, they don’t even know they are yelling.
“When Daddy was in the war, some of his friends were killed, too. But there was too much danger to sit down and cry. When you cried about the kitty, it helped you feel better, remember?” Mom said.
“Daddy had to get angry to stay alive, and he never got a chance to cry, so he’s stuck in being angry a lot of the time.”
“Remember how mad you were at whoever ran over kitty? Well, daddy is that mad too.
He’s angry about what happened in the war, But the anger ends up getting splattered all over us.”
I used to think that if Mom and I were nice enough, Daddy wouldn’t be so unhappy;
if I were neat enough and never made a mess;
if I were polite enough and never got smart with Dad or Mom;
if I worked hard and got good grades;
if I hit a lot of home runs at Little League;
then Daddy would be nice, too.
When I would try real hard and Daddy was still upset, I would get real depressed.
Mom says trying real hard might make Daddy seem better for a little while, But nothing we do here and now can change what happened to him in the war.
We’re not responsible and we can’t fix it.
The war gave Daddy the symptoms, and he has to work on them himself. There are groups that can help him when he is ready to help himself.
Daddy will hurt a lot when he goes into therapy–that’s what they call the groups. He’ll hurt because he will have to remember all the bad things.
He’ll be angry and very, very sad.
We’ll have to let him feel bad.
We’re allowed to feel sad, too.
But because we know we’re not responsible for how bad he feels, It will be easier for us to love him while he goes through it.
Now that we know Daddy has a disorder, we don’t have to be angry at him for having symptoms.
We can love him, and we can begin to learn how to be happy, again, even though he still has problems.
I always felt so different from my friends because it seems so easy for them to get along with their dads.
I still am different, but it doesn’t seem like a bad difference now, because I understand more about my Dad.
We hope Daddy will get better, but until he does, we will be all right.
I’m just a kid, Mom says, and my job is to be a kid.
to get into messes,
to ask questions,
to need help from grownups,
to make mistakes and learn from them,
to be human,
and to grow up some with each passing year.
Antiochian Village is a beautiful little resort located in the hills about an hour and a half to the east of Pittsburgh, outside the quaint little towns of Bolivar and Fort Ligonier.
Day 2 began a little too quickly as I didn’t do well sleeping last night. Not only did I forget to pack undershirts for this trip, but I forgot….my medications (let the motherly finger pointing begin). It was a touch and go night full of intermittent sleep and cold sweats for some reason. Perhaps, talking about some of the things I brought up and listening to other stories brought back some subconscious things.
Then, at about 4am, I got a call from the EOC that one of our Soldiers had been arrested for trying to sneak a girl onto post in the trunk of his car. I don’t understand that. He could have just brought her in normally in the passenger or back seat of the car. But, since he wanted to be a bonehead, he got himself arrested for something stupid and ignorant and I got a call at the wee hours of the morning.
I decided to try to sleep and skipped breakfast. Not a good idea since I was the only one that didn’t show up from the group. The rest of the group was worried about me and one of the participants that I’ve connected with stopped by to make sure I was okay. The fact is that I rarely eat breakfast even when I don’t have trouble sleeping.
The weekend was a resounding success in my mind. The retreat took place at a completely neutral location away from the hustle and bustle of normal life and allowed us to focus on each other. The building was located in the hills of a heavily wooded area and miles from the nearest highway. It included a small koi pond with some of the largest fish I’ve seen. There were also four geese that make the most serene noise. I enjoyed just walking down, sitting on the bench or leaning on the fence, and watching the fish slowly swim around while the geese scavenged for food in the well-manicured grass.
Vets4Vets is a way to get vets from all backgrounds together to discuss their experiences and help one another understand and cope with them. Through timed discussions, we were able to have equal time to discuss without worrying about any one person monopolizing the weekend. I was a little leery at first, but ended up liking the timed sessions. For one, it forced us to get to the point of what is bothering us without rambling and it ensured that everyone had equal time to speak (and listen).
At times, we broke into small groups for short and long timed opportunities to listen intently and personally to one another. The V4V staff provided coping strategies and counsel made sense at least to me. I had an opportunity to share some intimate combat experiences with other people who understand. For the first time, I was able to talk about some of the issues that I could never talk about before without just breaking into uncontrollable sobbing. While still difficult, I’m finding that talking about these experiences is truly helping me to cope with them.
The biggest take away from the event was camaraderie and being a set of ears for someone. I made some great friends, some great connections, and got away from it all for a few days. I’m going back to work recharged and ready to take care of troops.
I highly recommend that suffering veterans look into Vets4Vets.us and check out a workshop near you. They are generally held over the weekend, so minimal time away from the office is needed. I would also ask that if you are able, please donate to this organization or ask your business to sponsor a workshop. Each one costs about $30,000 and they are always looking for sponsors to bring veterans together to heal and cope. This is my plea and not an official request. Nor was I asked to make it.
I would also like to take a quick opportunity to thank Air Compassion for flying some of us out for free. We were treated better than we deserve and the opportunity to attend this workshop without having to worry about paying for a flight made the event that much more stress free. American Airlines. The staff and flight crew were top notch and uber-professional. If given the opportunity in the future, I will indeed consider American before any other airline. They even allow active duty military (in uniform or not) to board the plane with 1st Class Passengers.
I’m going to try and give a day by day of my experience as I attend this Vets4Vets retreat. Obviously, I won’t get specific about the people attending or exactly what is discussed, but hopefully give readers an idea of what the organization provides. Already, I’m super impressed.
American Airlines has a program called Air Compassion that provides free air travel to these retreats. When I got to the airport in Dallas, I heard my name over the intercom. As always, I didn’t get up right away because I never want to associate myself with a name given over a loudspeaker so I’m not targeted. It’s one of my issues.
When I get up to the counter, the pilot pulls me around the counter and thanks me for my service. He said he was a message to give me a special welcome, but no indication as to why. I explained why I was traveling to Pittsburgh and he again thanked me. One of the other employees said she wished I had come up earlier and she would have given me a First Class seat. I told her that I didn’t need one, but thanks for the offer. Just prior to this, another guy unrelated to the airline wouldn’t let me pay for my lunch.
One of the cooler aspects of this group is that they sent me a few special coins that I was supposed to give to the flight crew as thanks. Each employee was very thankful for the small token of appreciation and mentioned that it was the first time they had been given something like that. I was treated like a king, something truly undeserved. The Captain even announced my presence on the plane the resulted in one of those awkward moments where an entire flight is clapping for me. It was an uneasy feeling.
Anyway, today we travel from Pittsburgh to a place called Antiochian Village in Bolivar, PA. My only complaint is that there aren’t any nearby geocaches to find! I need to find at least one between here and there so I can add Pennsylvania to my map.
Almost exactly two weeks ago, I found myself in the fetal position at the foot of my bed crying my eyes out. It was culmination of many stressors that threw me over the edge and caused to seriously think about taking my own life. Thankfully, I had great friends I could turn to. I sent an email to one friend as sort of a last ditch cry for help, thinking in my mind it was futile due to the late hour. As fate (or God) would have it, I got an almost instant response to call someone quick. I did just that.
Looking back, it’s easy to see where I went wrong, but it doesn’t make the result less frightening. One of my Soldiers lost his entire family and I took that hard. Both my grandparents died within a week of each other at the same time. There was a lot of self-induced work stress trying to get up to speed on a new job. Writing. Radio Show. Family. Lack of sleep. Pain. Nightmares. Trying to get the house rented or sold. Lawsuit against the school. Household goods delivery. Getting the new house ready. And the straw that broke my spirit – I ran out of my medications.
I work on West Fort Hood and we only have a small – but great – clinic over there. When I first was about to run out of my anti-depressants, I went to the clinic to get a refill. Unfortunately, they can’t do transfers at the West Fort Hood (Apache) Clinic from other duty stations and I was referred to the hospital on main post. It’s such an inconvenience to go to main post. I either have to miss work or spend my entire lunch fighting lines and traffic getting over there. One day turned into the next and before I knew it a week had gone by without taking my medications – along with everything else happening. An argument with the love of my life threw me into an out of control tailspin. I’ve never been so deep and desperate. For the first time in my life, I thought seriously about ending it.
My saving grace was my very strong belief that suicide is pointless, weak, and stupid. I’ve said it numerous times that there is nothing in this life we can’t handle; Nothing worth taking our life over, and I believe that. And while I personally don’t find a lot of worth in myself, I know that there are people out there who do find me a worthy person. People rely on me, love me, and want to help me. The same goes for every one of you. There are people that rely on you, love and want to help you, regardless of what you think. It’s difficult to describe exactly where my head was that night. Looking back, I’m honestly baffled at how I got there. It doesn’t seem like me.
This past week, I had the privilege to sit in on a bloggers roundtable on “Signs, Symptoms, and Treatments of Psychological Health Concerns”. On that roundtable, was a Soldier named SSG Meg Krause. She is a combat medic with the United States Army Reserves, did five years of active duty from 2002 to 2006 and returned from Iraq, in 2006, thinking that she was going to be just fine.
Like most Soldiers, she just figured that a few nightmares or flashbacks here or there were normal, and did her best “to cope and avoid triggers I knew bothered me such as movies or crowds and things like that”.
It’s a common problem what we need to address, but the problem is that there are still people in the military that don’t quite understand what they’re dealing with. Big Army gets it. Most leaders understand that PTSD is real. What many leaders get wrong is dealing with it.
When Soldiers are feeling suicidal and have the good sense to reach out for help, leaders have to understand that they may NOT be the ones they reach out to. Commands need to adjust their SOPs to account for this. Some leaders think that if a Soldier doesn’t call his squad leader or section leader at such a time of crisis first, the problem rests either with the Soldier or the leader. They will say that a good leader would have such a great and wonderful relationship with his troops that they would call them first when contemplating suicide or any other personal problem. It just doesn’t work that way.
When I found myself balled up on the floor of my room wondering if this was my last night on earth, the last person I was thinking about was someone in my chain of command. It’s not because I don’t trust them or get along with them. It’s just the way it is. I have a GREAT relationship with my supervisor, my Sergeant Major, and my battle buddy, a fellow Master Sergeant. But, the first people that came to my mind when I needed it the most was my wife, my mother, and Wendy. Those are the people I reached out to and I didn’t inform my chain of command until the next day.
The problem lies, I think, in the “serious incident report” (SIR) timelines. In most cases, the timeline kicks in with the event. So, technically, my command was hours behind because they didn’t find out about the event until nearly 6 hours later. If your SIR reporting procedures call for a report submission of incident plus one or two hours, you’re already behind and people get more stressed and frustrated when they are questioned about the lateness of the report. This doesn’t make sense in my case or many others. It’s understood that chains of command need to be informed, but to that Soldier the most important thing in his/her mind is survival – not an SIR reporting timeline.
By the time I had finished talking with those three people, I was so exhausted, I just wanted sleep. My wife wouldn’t let me hang up that phone until she was absolutely confident I was going to make it through the night. I definitely wasn’t in the mood to answer a bunch of questions so that a formal report could be filed. The success is in the fact that my training worked and I called someone – anyone – when I needed it. THAT is what is important – not an SIR. And because I have good leaders, they were the first people I told when I got to work the next day and went to my Chaplain.
Depression and PTSD are debilitating issues. I never in my wildest imagination thought that I was even capable of having those thoughts. It still confuses me how I got there. I look back to two weeks ago and I still can’t comprehend the depths of my despair that night. But, I know what I felt that night and I never want to go there again.
I’ve already said how thankful I was to the people that were there for me that quite literally potentially saved my life that night. It was the first time I’d ever felt like that and I hope the last. But, I know that if it does come back, I have people I can turn to. I learned the hard way that when dealing with depression, it’s ok to be prescribed anti-depressants. We tend to have this attitude that being on anti-depressants is embarrassing or weak, but it’s no different than heart attack victims that need blood thinner or diabetes patients that need insulin for the rest of their lives. There’s no shame in that and leaders that think there is need to be replaced immediately.
If you are a servicemember and you’re contemplating suicide, you also have someone you can turn to. And as SSG Krause said in the conference call the other day, you need to understand “that seeking help for post-traumatic stress disorder is so important to not only your psychological health, but your overall lifestyle; and that there is no shame in admitting it” to anyone, including your friends, family, and chain of command.
It then becomes the chain of command’s responsibility not to immediately jump to any conclusions. I learned something about myself today in helping one of my Soldiers who was where I was a few weeks ago just last night. I learned that even I have some biases to overcome and I’ve been dealing with this for nearly 7 years. I should have recognized the signs a little better and I didn’t. I jumped to incorrect conclusions that this Soldier was a poor performer who couldn’t be relied upon. What I didn’t do was look into the WHY of his performance or his history. I would have seen that he used to be a stellar performer and outstanding Soldier. I jumped to inaccurate conclusions and falsely labeled him. I’m a little ashamed of that, because I got so angry last year when I was losing my mind that no one understood what I was going through. They made things worse instead of better and my family is the only thing that kept me going. I was officially labeled a “trouble maker”, a “disgrace to the NCO Corps”, and a “poor leader”. While they can kiss my ass three ways to Sunday, it still added stresses on top of my already-challenged emotional instability at the time.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying to allow Soldiers with PTSD to get away with anything by any means. If a Soldier commits a crime, he should be punished for it while weighing his mental state into the conviction and/or sentencing process. PTSD isn’t an excuse, but it could be a factor. We, as a society, need to understand that. We can’t coddle our suffering vets, but we can’t throw the book at them either.
As is customary when I’m in this type of mood, I have a song to go along with what I’m about to say. It’s from a band I learned about just a few weeks ago – not long after my episode – called 7 Years Today. The lead singer, Mylon, got out of the Army after a tour in Iraq a little more than a year ago and wrote this song as his coping mechanism. We will be interviewing Mylon and the rest of 7 Years Today on June 3rd. Keep in mind that I just threw this together real quick.
The point is that if you find yourself someplace that may result in a fatal decision, do something. Call a friend. Write another song. Wright another blog post. Take up a hobby. Confront your pain, don’t run away from it. Write another chapter in your life instead of forcing someone else to write the epilogue.
One day, I’ll spend a little more time on it and make it a bit more in synch.
In honor of St. Patrick’s Day I wanted to post this blog entry about this song/video that the Celtic Rock band Flogging Molly created and released. The song is titled “Punch Drunk Grinning Soul” and is intended to raise awareness of PTSD and depression. It does it with animations of a hurt rabbit dealing with what appears to be his rabbit family. Singer Dave King wrote this song in memory of an Irish friend who struggled with PTSD and eventually committed suicide.
I recently wrote a piece on A Soldier’s Perspective about suicide called “Suicide Solution is No Solution.” I’ve gotten a lot of very supportive emails about all my recent posts on suicide prevention and mental health issues.
One of the emails I received posed some great questions. With the approval of the author, I wanted to answer these questions publicly in case there were others out there seeking these answers.
[Is] there any advice and direction you can give to those of us who haven’t had those experiences and truly can’t identify with the experiences our men and women in uniform encounter on a daily basis? How can we as civilians assist them in their time of need? Is there anything that we can truly do to help them? To show them how much they are cared for? To show them how important and truly invaluable they are to us? To show them how invaluable their contributions are to each one of us? To help them in deciding against making a fateful decision?
One of the toughest barriers that civilians or non-combat veterans will have to overcome is the combat veteran’s personal bias against those who haven’t “been there.” It’s not that they’re snobbish or “holier than thou” but a feeling that to truly understand what they are dealing with, you have to be there.
My grandfather fought in the skies over Germany during WWII in a B-24 and B-17. I remember reading his journal as a young man and just being awe-struck at what these young men had to deal with in the skies during their bombing runs. Yet, whenever I asked my grandfather to talk about these experiences, he closed up and wouldn’t talk. He talked around it or changed the subject completely. My father told me that my grandfather NEVER discussed his combat.
However, when I returned from Iraq, my grandfather began opening up to me in ways my father could only dream about. He talked about his combat experience and how he was “scared s***less” each time he had to get back that plane for another mission. He had been hit by German flak in the leg and many times wondered if he’d ever make it back home. That fear prompted him to constantly urge me not to go back to Iraq or Afghanistan. “I had done my time,” he said.
The fact is that because my father had never seen combat – though he volunteered to serve in Vietnam, was never sent closer than a carrier took him – he couldn’t talk to him.
Just because a combat veteran won’t open up about his experiences to those non-combat veterans or civilians doesn’t mean you should throw in the towel and give up. Our veterans still need to know that we care about them. Just because you can’t necessarily empathize with us, doesn’t mean you can’t assist us.
So, the question remains: “How can we as civilians – and I’ll add non-combat veterans – assist them in their time of need?”
The quick answer is “be there for them.” Don’t let the fact that these Soldiers (an all-inclusive term encompassing all branches of service, apologies to Marines) won’t talk about specific experiences divert you from your attempts to help. Don’t press for specifics. Be an ear. There’s a saying that God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we’d listen twice as much as we spoke. Imaging you have ten ears when trying to help a veteran and no mouth.
Sometimes, there is just nothing you can verbally say that will help, but just by being there and listening and showing that you care is worthy of a million words of encouragement. Soldiers are entitled to bad days, but when they have them don’t avoid them. These are the times when Soldiers need to know they’re not alone the most. A bad day can be made even worse when we think that no one seems to care.
Don’t be thin-skinned when trying to help a combat veteran suffering with Post Traumatic Stress. He may say things he doesn’t mean or just not be capable of conveying exactly what he’s thinking at that moment. We say some stupid stuff during our lows and words are difficult to take back. However, if you have a thick skin and can make yourself understand that it’s not personal, you’ll be better off for it. Don’t get me wrong, this does NOT give the veteran the right to verbally berate you or be abusive in language. Stand up for yourself and let him know that you don’t appreciate those words and that you are there for them anyway. PTSD is not a free ticket to stupidity and criminal activity.
Is there anything you can truly do to help them? Yes. Take the time to ask them how they’re doing, especially when it appears they are in their low point. Encourage them that their life is special. Don’t be afraid to ask if they are considering hurting themselves or others. Sometimes, just the mere question will convince them not to go to extremes.
Don’t baby them. Don’t let them get away with insults or extreme behavior. Don’t patronize them by allowing them to do or say things that are hurtful. Encourage them to find outlets to deal with their feelings by talking to you or others or by writing their feelings down in a journal. You can show them you care for them just by calling them or stopping by to say hi.
For those that are able to, if you see a combat veteran at an eating establishment (indicated in the Army by a right shoulder unit patch below the flag), pay for their meal secretly. Don’t let the server point you out or give any identifying information.
I recently ate at a Cracker Barrel (Wednesday Chicken Pot Pie Day!!) on my way home from a TDY in uniform. As I was finishing up, the waitress informed me that my meal was paid for but wouldn’t say who did it. This simple act reinforced my belief that I’m not invisible and people care about me. If you can’t afford to pay for a meal, walk up to that Soldier and just thank them for their service. If you’re shy, just write it on a napkin and place it on the table or have the server take it to the Soldier.
Finally, you have to understand that sometimes nothing you can say or do will convince some people that living is worth it. When even your best efforts aren’t “good enough” revert back to what I said earlier: be thick-skinned. It’s not your fault. It’s not Bush’s fault. It’s not Obama’s fault. It’s not his family’s fault. It’s not the war’s fault. It’s that Soldier’s fault. There is nothing in this world worth taking your life over. The only one that a suicide victim has to blame is himself. Don’t take it personally. Believe me, I’ve beat myself up over and over again when this happens and it doesn’t do any good. It wasn’t my fault. Could we have done more? Of course. We can always do more! But you can everything in the world for someone and if they aren’t willing to accept that sacrifice, there’s nothing you can do about it.
I hope this helps a little for those asking these questions of themselves.
Note: I am not a doctor nor am I a trained expert in this field. I’ve studied the topic independently and the following information my personal opinion. I am not in any way a subject matter expert and recommend that you seek professional guidance for serious cases. I also do not represent the official military or government position on any of these issues.
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