Archive for the ‘Spouse and Family’ Category
February 10, 2010 By Claire
Posted in Spouse and Family
I got a link in an email taking me to an article on Salon where a former Army wife touts how easy it is to leave a soldier while he is in theater. She starts her article off by making provocative and pathetically attention seeking claims about how easy it was for her to leave her deployed husband. She writes intentionally inflammatory things because she has a book in the making. It’s obvious she is capitalizing on what is supposed to be a very private pain, and instead she has turned into some sick public celebration.
Using shock and awe for marketing is old hat, but I guess if you can’t market yourself on stellar morals and integrity you are left with the Hollywood approach. I even found it reminiscent of the old Paul Simon song “50 ways to leave your lover,” where instead of handling a relationship like an adult a man is being told to “step out the back Jack, make a new plan Stan,…” Anything but looking the other person in the relationship in the face and dealing with the issues at hand. It’s the quintessential expression of self-centeredness.
The writer only got me mildly riled because she is outrageous and she will only appeal to other outrageous people. She will not be very persuasive to audiences outside of those who would already enjoy reading what she has to say — which is really a bunch indiscriminate drivel, in my humble opinion of course.
I won’t directly quote her because I am not interested in giving this attention seeking person any more attention than what is necessary to address a few disturbing things I found in the article. If you really must read it you can do a google search for “leave soldier salon” it’s the first article to come up.
My only disclaimer for anything I say below is this: I do not judge the pain and suffering that multiple deployments cause in a marriage and on the spouse who remains at home. It is harder than anything else I have ever witnessed. I would be a hypocrite to say that I understand because I have only faced deployment as a mother. I shouldn’t say “only” because that is no walk in the park. I have faced a long separation from my husband with very little contact when he was in the Army. I know it sucks. I know it’s taxing, but he was not in a war zone so I would never pretend to fully understand the strain. I think it is safe to say this — I know it is exhausting and it takes a tremendous toll. I may not be able to address it directly, but I am by no means clueless since I am walk this road with my daughter-in-law right now and several other very close and personal friends.
Below are some points I want to address from the article:
- The author claims she fell in love with her soldier because he was a soldier. Romantic idealism is not a basis for a marriage. Should you marry because of this notion you are obligated to fulfill your marital vows — that is unless you thought ahead and instead of saying “until death do us part” you said “until death, boredom, or something else catches my fancy” do us part. The irony to this is she is now married to a “marxist” so it sounds as if she once again has fallen in love with an identity instead of a person. I wonder how long it will take before the ’sexiness’ of Marxism wears off for her. Yes, the thought of her need for lithium did come to mind.
- Sacrifices in military life are two way. The second that either party — the deployed or those waiting at home — fail to empathize with what the other is going through then problems start. It’s vital that the military marriage is viewed by both parties as a partnership and not merely as an “inconvenient truth.” This is not saying that even the strongest military marriages are not stretched beyond their means at times, but the resentment level seems to be lower when both spouses have a partnership mentality.
- War protests (and therefore protesters) make life harder on military families. Newly released research clearly shows that military spouses and military children do better during multiple deployment if they don’t have Marxist hippies holding stupid signs that say asinine things like “no war for oil.” Spouses and children fight warfare in their minds daily. They do not need idiots outside their place of residence who then like to add insult to injury. I just had to mention this since said author makes it a point to state that the “Marxist” she is married to now had participated in protests while she was a military wife. Ironic, no?
- Even though there are “50 ways to leave your lover” there is only one way to leave your children. It’s called abandonment. The final paragraphs of this article cover how the author’s son has chosen the path of his father (and millions of other wonderful men through out the Centuries) to serve this great Nation. The one statement she made that I can address head on is her concern about how it might feel to love her son now that he is a military member. My first thought was WTF? Then I reread it because I was sure she had said something else, right? No. She had to ask, and all I have to say is if you have to ask a question like that it really is time to learn a little something called sacrificial, unconditional, selfless love. If you failed to do this in marriage, now is the time to practice the concept. You love your soldier, sailor, marine, or airman like you always have, and then some. You work hard and sacrifice for them while they are working hard and sacrificing for you. The only other thought I had, pardon the crude expression, was to woman-up and grow a set of ovaries!
- An issue I discussed here a while back that is detrimental to military families is the entitlement mentality. Freedom, liberty and our personal pursuits are intricately tied up in our responsibilities. This concept is becoming more and more foreign in our culture. Everyone has an excuse for why they can’t follow through — I even heard a young woman the other day assigning what “percentage” of blame she owned in a situation. Have we become so petty and so cowardice that we can’t own the responsibility that is rightfully ours? It’s time to put big girl pants on and deal with it. We are not entitled to erotic love or even sexual gratification. I know our culture is steeped in it, but there are bigger things in this life. Sex is a wonderful and beautiful part of marriage — I am no prude! For the love of all things good it’s not the main goal in life and if it is you are officially diagnosable.
The only other advice I offer is this — if you are a disgruntled ex-wife or ex-girlfriend of a military member and plan on writing a book any time soon, never use the back of a deployed soldier you kicked in the face as your platform for sympathy. Not only is it the most classless thing you can do, but it will backfire on you. Any brilliance you presume to have will be outdone by brave women wearing Gold Stars. Other women I know shine their Blue Stars every morning and they get up and deal with the life they have before them.
Plain and simple – I do not hear self-pity from them and they have a reason to express their pain and suffering. I think pity and whining sums up what I heard in the tone of that article.
One further illumination of the point are the Silver Star families. There are hundreds of spouses, parents, friends and loved ones who are caring for their wounded warriors. I have three good friends who have husbands with severe TBI, PTSD and two have been through multiple surgeries to correct wounds they sustained by IEDs. These women do not feel cheated. Everyday they wake up happy they married a man with substance to his character, and a man who stands for the right things and not selfish motivations. They are grateful for the hardships they face each day with doctor’s appointments, procedures, and problem solving around memory issues, because they know the alternative would have meant burying their husbands. One of my friends told me a while back that people have asked her if she knew then what she knows now, would she have married a soldier? She told me with tears in her eyes, “I tell them proudly that I would. I have no regrets and count myself blessed to love my husband who just so happens to be a soldier.”
That’s the difference between falling in love with an idea and falling in love with a man.
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February 1, 2010 By Claire
Posted in Spouse and Family
I highlighted the area in bold text below that needs a LOT of attention brought to the matter. Negative reporting on the war, and the lack of support of the war and our troops affects the morale of everyone — including our military children. I am so sick and tired of the BS line “we support our troops but not the war.” It’s not true. It’s contradictory and this report here shows how that very attitude is not only unsupportive, but it is outright harmful to the children of our deployed troops.
I am going to print out a copy of the actual report and will write up some more. I am heading out to Fort Leonard Wood at the end of the week, so I am sure as a passenger in our 12-hour car ride, I will have plenty of time to read and respond.
SOURCE LINK
With the recent announcement of President Obama’s fund increase to Military Family Programs, the importance of assisting our military Soldiers and families is ever prevalent. Today’s guest blog entry comes from a study completed at the Army War College by Dr. Leonard Wong and Dr. Steven Gerras discussing the the impact of multiple deployments on families, especially the children.
The new reality of repetitive deployments has led to innovative programs and policies designed to assist military children in dealing with the difficulties of deployments. Initiatives—ranging from “flat daddies” replacing deployed soldiers at the dinner table, to senior leaders ceremoniously signing the Army Family Covenant at installations across the world, to the First Lady proposing nearly $9 billion to support military families—point to the growing concern that multiple deployments may be as stressful to Army children as they are to soldiers. Despite the increased attention and seemingly endless resources directed at children in deployed families, however, there has been very little research examining the effects of multiple deployments on children.
In March of 2009, Leonard Wong and Stephen Gerras from the U.S. Army War College began a two-phase study to examine the effects of multiple deployments on Army adolescents. The first phase, collected through an online survey, evaluated the perspectives of over 2,000 soldiers, 700 spouses, and 500 Army children between 11 and 17. The second phase collected the views of over 100 Army adolescents through individual interviews at 8 Army installations throughout the U.S.
As expected, they found that strong families—to include a non-deployed spouse who coped well with deployments—as well as ample activities such as sports to keep Army youngsters busy serve to reduce stress levels of Army adolescents during a deployment. Surprisingly, they also found that the attitudes of Army children play a role in dealing with deployment stress and coping with a life of deployments. Children who believed that soldiers are making a difference in the world and that the American public supported the war were significantly more likely to report that they were coping better with deployments. The study highlights the often overlooked impact of attitudinal factors such as the influence of public opinion concerning the war and the importance—in a life marked by multiple deployments—of an adolescent’s confidence that their parent’s call to duty is worth the sacrifice.
For a free download of the full study, please visit the US Army War College Strategic Studies Institute website:http://www.strategicstudiesinstitute.army.mil/pubs/display.cfm?pubID=962.
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By Claire
Posted in Spouse and Family
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By Claire
Posted in Podcast, Spouse and Family
This is the first in a series of mini-podcasts that will address the many facets of post-deployment challenges. This first one deals with depression. It’s about 10-minutes in length and is focused on education and encouragement. Other parts to the series will include post-traumatic stress, anger management, sleep problems, and relationship issues.
Podcast Series Addresses Post-deployment Challenges
American Forces Press Service
WASHINGTON, Jan. 11, 2010 – Servicemembers and their families can get help coping with post-deployment stress through a new series of podcasts profiling the personal stories of those who have lived it.
“Combat brings individuals face-to-face with the harshest demands imaginable. In fact, it’s impossible to be unaffected by these experiences. Stress reactions, family and relationship difficulties, and work conflicts can affect an individual’s emotional well being.”
These words set the stage for the premiere episode of “There and Back,” an audio podcast series developed by afterdeployment.org, a Defense Department Web site developed by the National Center for Telehealth and Technology and the Defense Centers of Excellence for Psychological Health and Traumatic Brain Injury.
The podcast series is directed to the entire military community to help manage some of the challenges faced by servicemembers and their families following a deployment, defense officials said.
“Learning About Depression,” the initial ten minute podcast in the “There and Back” series is a tapestry woven of education, encouragement and emotional intimacy.
Dr. Jenifer Alford, a clinical psychologist and afterdeployment.org’s functional director, guides listeners through the world of depression. “Depression can happen to just about anyone given the right set of circumstances,” Alford says. “Taking no action, or believing that time will heal the depression, could result in the depression getting worse or lasting longer.”
The podcast is punctuated by servicemembers and their families telling their personal stories, allowing listeners to know that they are not alone in their struggles.
Listen to: “There and Back: Learning about Depression”
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By Claire
Posted in Spouse and Family
What a great resource! Tutoring can make such a difference to a student (of any age and grade!), but can often be expensive and not affordable. The other great thing about online tutoring is the portability factor. If you move you can take your tutor with you! That’s great for a child who has found a tutor he/she really likes and works well with.
SOURCE LINK
Military Families Gain Access to Free, Online Tutoring
By Elaine Wilson
American Forces Press Service
WASHINGTON, Jan. 26, 2010 – The Defense Department has launched a free, online tutoring service for servicemembers and their families.
The site – http://www.tutor.com/military — offers round-the-clock professional tutors who can assist with homework, studying, test preparation, resume writing and more.
Marine Corps and Army families have had access to the program for more than a year. Seeing the value, Defense Department officials decided to expand the service to encompass all servicemembers and their families, officials said.
“Providing 24/7 academic and career support for military families during a time when so many parents have a deployed spouse has been an important and well-received benefit for Marine Corps and Army families,” said Tommy T. Thomas, deputy undersecretary of defense for military community and family policy.
“We are pleased to expand this program to all U.S. military families and provide peace of mind that their children are never alone when it comes to learning – there is always a certified, professional tutor available to help,” he said.
Active-duty servicemembers, National Guard and reserve personnel on active duty in a deployed status, Defense Department civilians in a deployed status and their dependents are eligible to participate, officials said. Along with test preparation, the site is open to students of any age – from kindergartners to high school seniors – for one-on-one help in math, science, social studies and English.
Many of these students, officials said, are making the most of the live, one-on-one help. “Thanks for having this service when our family is separated at this time due to deployments and training,” a 6th grader of a Marine commented. “My father is unable to help one-on-one.”
“I really appreciate this,” another program participant, a 9th grader, said. “It really helps me understand my schoolwork. It’s going to really help me ace my exams coming up! I am definitely going to use this very often.”
Tutor.com’s network includes more than 1,800 professional tutors and career specialists who have delivered more than 5 million one-on-one tutoring sessions since 2001, officials said. Each tutor is certified through the site, and all sessions are recorded for quality control.
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January 29, 2010 By Claire
Posted in Spouse and Family
I have asked a lot of various military spouses I know to tell me what they would recommend putting into a ”bag of tricks” that would help spouses who were facing deployment. Some of my friends have been through 4 or more deployments with their spouse over the years, and some are facing their very first. No matter which deployment you are facing, fifth, second or anticipating one, it’s a scary and anxiety filled time.
Here’s some of the tips I got. I have more to share and will post them a little later.
1. (Shannon) Get involved in your FRG, but stay away from any petty gossip or stupid drama. Pay attention and know who you can and can’t confide in.
2. (Brock) Set at least one healthy and attainable goal to work toward while your husband is away. Plan it out. If you want to lose weight, join a gym and set a goal. Make it realistic. If you want to save money come up with a way you will do that. It gives you something positive to look forward to and work on while he is away.
3. (Tanja) Keep a diary or a blog. Write down what you are a going through each day. Sometimes it can change several times in one day.
4. (Brenda) Plan a regular girl’s pampering party at your house or a friend’s house. Everyone can bring a snack and a beauty product to share. Do each other’s nails and hair. Just have some fun and laugh.
5. (Michelle) Redecorate your bedroom. I found that the change helped me because the change made me look forward to my husband’s return instead of dreading his departure. I was excited for him to see what I had done! Keep in mind though that it should be something he would like too!
6. (Amy) Journal your time apart with pictures. Start an online, free album and upload a new picture for everyday. Just take your camera around with you. Take pictures of things like your front lawn or the kids near the car. It was a way for us to stay in touch and a way for my husband to see things he was familiar with and missed.
7. (Sarah) Pick up a new hobby you always wanted to do. If you want to learn how to cook or garden, do it now. Involve your kids because they need things to help them through too.
8. (Deb) Pick out about 5 of your all time favorite movies and watch them after the kids go to bed. I had a standing date with myself once a week where I would make popcorn and indulge in my favorite theater candy while watching my movies. I had a friend over once in a while, but I really enjoyed the down time after the kids were asleep too.
9. (Cheryl) Take a hot bath. Even if you don’t normally like them. Take one an hour before bed. It always helped me sleep.
10. (Terri) Cry when you need to and don’t be strong for the world. Be strong for your kids. Support your husband and cry like a baby to your support people. They are there for it. Let it out.
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January 25, 2010 By Claire
Posted in Spouse and Family
My dear friend Patti wrote the following based on her own experiences as a wife of a wounded warrior. Her husband came home from Iraq with a TBI and PTSD. Patti is as practical and helpful as they come. I asked her if I could repost this here in full, and she gave me the thumbs up. I hope you find the information helpful.
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Recently, I have had an influx of women sending emails to me asking if I have any information to help them cope with a husband who has PTSD.
Let me introduce myself. My name is Patti… my husband has PTSD.
PTSD is not something our men like to talk about. It’s not something we as wives want to think about either. But, the truth is there are many military men coming back from deployment only to face a mental war inside themselves.
First and foremost, let me say… PTSD is not something you should be ashamed of. If you think you have PTSD, or your husband has PTSD, it is very important that you go and find help. The military offers free counseling for those who need it.
I understand that some may not want to go on post for counseling. There’s another great resource out there… Give An Hour. Give An Hour is a private organization that offers not only free counseling, but confidential counseling.
Not only does PTSD effect our military men, but it effects families and can effect friendships. If you suspect your husband has PTSD and he will not admit it, you should still consider seeking guidance for yourself.
The more you know about PTSD, the better you will be able to cope with someone who has PTSD. Many military wives have secondary PTSD.
Pattis Top 10 on living with a combat injured, PTSD Vet:
1. Seek Godly counsel
2. Educate yourself on PTSD; you can visit CNN Health, they offer an array of information on PTSD. You can also GOOGLE PTSD and many results will pop up in the search engine.
3. Learn what your husbands “triggers” are and how to defuse situations (example: anniversaries of difficult situations; death of commrads, extreme firefights etc). If you know it’s the anniversary of something difficult your husband experienced while your husband was away, you may know why he’s having an exceptionally bad day, week or sometimes even month.
4. Take care of yourself. For the past couple of years, I have let myself go to take care of my husband and his injuries. I am finally getting back on task when it comes to taking care of myself. It’s been a long road, and if you can avoid going down the road I went down – trust me, it will be best for you! Exercise, eat right, try to sleep good. Its so easy to get wrapped up into worrying about your husband. If you don’t take care of yourself, you will eventually crumble.
5. If your husband is also suffering from other mental conditions such as depression or self harm, allow them to feel the way they do – BUT – watch for warning signals that things may be getting worse so that you can help them by alerting a mental health team or doctor.
6. Don’t be hard on yourself! Do not blame yourself for your husbands PTSD, do not think you “should have” done this or that. We all know that the horrific events of war are what caused your husbands PTSD, don’t start questioning yourself.
7. Keep a journal or have a mentor you can “vent” to. As women, most of us are external processors. This means, we need to release so many words to express our feelings and emotions. You will feel better after releasing these thoughts/words. You can either keep a journal or talk with a mentor. Sometimes, as women – we just need to “get it all out.”
8. Marriage counselling with someone who understands PTSD would be very benifical. I’m not saying this is going to “fix” your husbands PTSD, but it will hopefully allow you both an avenue to express yourselves on how you are both feeling, why you are feeling the way you do and what techniques may help you.
9. Find a PTSD support group in your area. If you cannot find a support group, maybe you will think about creating a support group yourself. There’s a very big need for PTSD support groups, and it’s always good to know you are not traveling down that road alone.
10. Don’t be afraid to admit that you need help. There are resources, organizations, support groups, books and so much more that are out there to help. We should be very thankful these resources are in place for us in todays day and age.
Resourses I have found helpful are:
Family Of A Vet
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January 20, 2010 By Claire
Posted in Military News, News, Spouse and Family
I don’t know if they mean prevent it totally or prevent a more severe case of PTSD, but it makes perfect sense that the faster horrific pain is addressed and the less suffering that happens, the better the injured solider will fare in the long run.
Health News
By Allie Montgomery
Published: Thursday, 14 January 2010
EXCERPT
Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD) affects both active duty soldiers and war veterans, but now there may be a way to help prevent it. Immediately administering a treatment of morphine to troops wounded in the field can cut the chance in half that they will develop PTSD, according to a new study that is suggesting a new strategy for preventing the psychological fallout of war.
Researchers from the U.S. Naval Health Research Center led the study of approximately 700 troops that were injured in Iraq between the years of 2004 and 2006. Troy Lisa Holbrook, who is an epidemiologist at the Naval Center and the leader of this study, said, “It was surprising how strong the effect of the morphine was.” The findings of this study were published in Thursday’s New England Journal of Medicine.
Of course, whether or not the Pentagon will adopt this practice on the battlefield remains to be seen. Dr. Jack Smith, who is the acting deputy assistant secretary of defense for clinical and program policy, stated that the “very interesting findings” are “likely to stimulate further research.”
Approximately 53,000 troops that have returned from Afghanistan and Iraq have been treated for PTSD, a disorder in which someone who has endured a traumatic event keeps re-experiencing both the event and the fear and emotions it caused. These patients often have trouble with relationships, substance abuse, work and physical ailments.
The researchers have been testing different ways to treat it, and this new study looked at whether fast and strong pain relief can help to prevent it. However, it was still unclear as to whether it was the fast pain treatment or something more specific to the morphine that made the difference. READ MORE
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January 18, 2010 By Claire
Posted in Podcast, Spouse and Family
Don’t forget to join us tonight at 8:00pm (EST) to hear from the authors of Battlefields and Blessings: Stories of Faith and Courage from the war in Iraq and Afghanistan.
You can find the You Served Spouse and Family Highlights showpage HERE. Log on to have a reminder sent to you automatically.
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January 16, 2010 By Claire
Posted in Spouse and Family
This past week a major study focused on mental health and military spouses was released in the New England Journal of Medicine. The study indicates that military spouses who have been through one or more deployments have an elevated risk of being diagnosed with a mental health problem. The problems cited in the study are depression, sleep disorders, anxiety and other stress related issues.
I was talking with a good friend of mine about the study and she said “Well isn’t this obvious!?” Yes, it is to those of us who are within the military community. It’s obvious to others too. I am assuming this study will help to justify additional mental health support for the families of our military members. The study was done using electronic data, and I have not read the whole study to see if there was any qualitative interviews done. I am much more interested in what the wives have to say than what their electronic data indicates.
Ultimately there are things we can do as wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends, etc. When we know deployment is inevitable we can plan to proactively deal with issues by:
1. Ensuring we have a strong network of support — not just those around us who are our obvious supports. Remember your granny’s old saying “Don’t put your eggs in one basket?” The same applies here. Be sure you have a broad and diverse network. Get involved in a church, in a community group, and with other like minded individuals.
2. If you are already struggling with depression and sleep disorder issues talk with your physician now about how to manage if/when the exacerbation of your symptoms occurs. Don’t wait until your depression bottoms you out! Some forms of depression are a life long illness and need to be treated like any other disease — such as diabetes. Treat it daily!
3. I know I preach a lot about this, but physical exercise can make such a huge difference in your ability to cope. Your body expends nervous energy, you feel better, you sleep better and your confidence grows as you gain strength and health. Check with your physician first if you are not already an active person. Even if all you can do is walk around the mall, find a partner, make a plan and hold one another accountable.
4. Know your weaknesses. It takes a good deal of honest self-awareness and assessment, but you know what your weaknesses are. Do you tend to overeat when you are stressed? Do you spend too much money to distract yourself from the stress? Do you isolate yourself? How do you deal with your anger? Ask your spouse to help you figure out ways to cope and deal with the loss of his direct support in areas where you struggle.
These are just a few ways to prepare yourself for the long journey ahead.
Here’s a snipped from an article in the News and Observer about the research
BY MARTHA QUILLIN - STAFF WRITER
Military wives often try not to complain, but a large-scale study published today suggests that they have a right to, citing elevated rates of depression, sleep disorders, anxiety and other mental-health problems among women whose husbands were deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan.
The study looked at electronic medical data for more than 250,000 of the nearly 300,000 women whose active-duty husbands were deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan from 2003 to 2006. It appears in the New England Journal of Medicine and was Alyssa J. Mansfield’s doctoral dissertation at UNC-Chapel Hill’s Gillings School of Global Public Health.
“The results that we found won’t come as a surprise to Army leaders,” said Mansfield, who is now a researcher at RTI International. “It’s probably something they have assumed. But it’s an opportunity to kind of quantify what’s going on.”
–Snip–
While the Army relies heavily on family readiness groups to support spouses and families while soldiers are deployed, Katter felt more comforted by her church. Eventually, she started Christian Military Wives, a faith-based support group.
For the study, Mansfield and other researchers worked with the medical records of women whose husbands had been on active duty for at least five years as of Jan. 1, 2007. Researchers did not include military husbands in the study for statistical reasons. The study did not include members of the reserves or the National Guard.
The results are likely conservative, Mansfield said, and an even larger percentage of women probably have experienced mental-health issues connected to their husbands’ wartime service. READ MORE
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