This was written by a very good friend of mine last year, but it still holds a universal truth regardless of the time it was written. enjoy! Originally posted at Wives in Bloom:
My Husband is Distant Before Deployment
(coping from a Christian perspective)
by Patti Katter
Dreading deployment is very common. I’ve never met a woman or her military man that did not dread deployment.
Quite a few wives have told me that weeks before deployment their husbands become distant to them. A wall begins to form in their marriage. Civilians may not understand, and if you are military and have not yet been through deployment you may not quite understand…. but the majority of our CMW members do understand due to multiple deployments, and they understand all too well.
Not all marriages have difficult times before deployments, there may be that woman someplace in the world that is not effected. I have yet to meet one. If you are that woman, PLEASE let me know who you are – I would love to meet you! =-)
Pre-Deployment:
Just when you think husbands and wives would grow closer to one another, knowing that many months will go by until they see their loved ones again… something happens. Kah-Pow! The world spins out of control and one of two things happen.
1. The words stop, your husband feels like its better to stop “being attached” to you – just “incase” something happens to him – you won’t miss him as much.
2. Arguing kicks in along with frustration. Your husband may think, “if I am a big jerk to her… she will not be so sad if something happens to me.”
And do you know what? I think many wives go along with that scenario. As a wife, you may be afraid something horrible is going to happen to your husband at some point in the deployment.
I think it must be a built in defense mechanism our minds use to rationalise things. I think its a wrong defense mechanism though. I know it’s not Godly thinking at all… that’s where it comes to play that we are all sinners – if we were all perfect we would not have sinful thoughts.
As a military wife, I know how us “military wives” think. We like to be in charge of things. If you think about it, we are pretty much in charge of everything. Paying bills, making sure the oil is changed in the car, grocery shopping, maybe holding an outside job, taking care of the kids and the list goes on. The fact is, we are a take charge type of person.
We like to be in charge of our thoughts, our emotions and that includes the safe return of our husbands. When being forced to really think about it, we cannot be in charge of our husbands safe return. No one really can… and, that can be scary.
We don’t like to think about things, let along talk about these things. I mean, what wife in her right mind would tell her husband that she’s afraid he may not make it home?! Not this wife. I would never tell my husband such a thing, especially before he went off to fight the enemy. It’s an unspoken thought… it’s scary and there’s only one who we can really take it to and that is Jesus Christ.
God is there for us in all times. When we are alone, when we are afraid… God is there. God knows our thoughts and our hearts. It’s so easy to take the frustration of deployment out on our husbands, but that is just not fair to them. Our husbands are brave, they are ensuring our freedom, they are doing their job. Our husbands also have internal battles that makes it very difficult to talk about things before they leave for war.
Your husband is married to you for a reason, he loves you. I’m sure your husband has thoughts inside of his head that he feels like he cannot talk to you about, just as you have things you don’t want to burden him with before he leaves.
Here are a few ways to keep your mind busy before your husband leaves for his deployment. I find that keeping my head clear and keeping busy with productive projects are very helpful, and these tips will help sweeten up that lemon mentality.
1. Write love notes, and hide them in your husbands luggage so when he gets where he is going… he will have quite a bit of literature to read.
2. Keep a prayer journal, I cannot stress this enough! When having your sour and sometimes bitter days – fill your prayer journal pages with prayers for your husband.
3. Talk to other women in your area, find a Christian-based support group.
4. Talk to God, He’s always there – He’s your best friend.
Don’t let your sour, bitter thoughts get in the way of your relationship with Christ or your husband. Don’t let pre-deployment jitters get you down! You are armed with something that non-Christians do not have. You have God on your side, “if God be for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31
Our actions fuel our husbands actions, if we can remain calm in Christ – and your husband can see that… it will make for a much better pre-deployment time on the homefront.
