Monthly Archives: October 2010

By Claire

I have written a couple of articles now about some pretty incredulous things I have been asked or others have been asked about our loved ones when they were deployed. Someone suggested that I write something helping people to understand exactly what to say, so I am setting out to do just that. However I want to do a primer before I do a “comment/retort” format like I did with the other posts. Bear with me. This will come in handy in lots of situations, but I think it’s particularly helpful when you are wanting to reach out and support a military family in the midst of great stress and strain.

In my past-life I had to study many models of human behavior as well as human relationships. When you study to be a therapist (or really even study to decide if you want to become a therapist) you have to learn many angles of effective communication. My favorite model for therapeutic communication has been the Empathy Scale model by therapists Carkuff and Truax. This model is complimentary to and part of the neo-Freudian movement and transanalytical therapeutic models.

Now, before you go ‘huh?’ and decide to not read any further, let me explain. This is going somewhere — it’s leading us to effective communication, trust me.

The Empathy Scale is based on the fact that little can ever be achieved in analytical therapy without a trusting relationship between client and therapist, and without the therapist knowing how to listen and knowing how to offer genuine feedback that is empathetic. People get enough sympathy in this world. Everyone feels sorry for someone at one point or another. Sympathy is often expressed as a form of pity. It is sometimes necessary to feel, but it is not sufficient to truly comfort a burdened heart.

While sympathy is sometimes necessary, any therapist worth her weight in salt will tell you that people don’t want someone to feel something “for” them. What we all crave and want is empathy. Empathy provides our human souls a richer and more personal connection with others. You can have sympathy for someone and never really understand (or try to for that matter) what they are really feeling or going through.

When you have empathy for another person you understand both the content of what they are telling you, and you feel on a personal level the emotion they are communicating. You do not feel for the person, but rather you feel with the person. You don’t walk a mile in their shoes, but rather you walk a mile hand in hand with them. When you have experienced empathy you know immediately the difference between that and when someone feels sympathy for you. The two are very distinguishable experiences.

Even though professionally I went on to do non-profit administration and social research, I had to spend some time in the therapeutic trenches. It is the nature of the social work profession for its members to experience direct client work for at least a season.

One of the most beautiful moments as a therapist is when you have a client who has shared a very painful and lonely experience, and at some point through the course of therapy you (the therapist) finally understand what she is feeling. When you communicate your insight to her you see her face light up like you’ve never seen before. Suddenly she knows she is no longer alone on her journey. This is often when healing begins.

Empathy is hard for the giver. It forces you to let your guard down, and it forces you to embrace a level of vulnerability. As humans we naturally brace against such feelings — not embrace them. It is not easy walking toward a black storm of pain, and voluntarily walking right in and experiencing the storm with another. It takes courage.

Being a Blue Star mom and knowing many Blue Star families, I can testify that when your son, daughter, husband, or wife enters the battlefield you are taken from the ranks of the “normal” experiences of life. You are thrust into a world that some of your non-military friends have a very hard time relating to. Actually you are thrust into a world that they sometimes abhor. You are suddenly the reminder to them of the evil that lurks in the streets of Afghanistan. You are the reminder that if your soldier was not there defending this Country voluntarily, then their son or daughter may have been forced to go.

More than once I have been engaged in a conversation with friends who ‘accidentally’ have said something like “Well it’s better that Johnny works at the gym since he doesn’t want to go to college. At least he’s not being sent to Iraq!” The couple of times this sentiment has slipped out they suddenly look at me, red faced, and I get ‘the look.’ You know what I’m talking about. The look that says “You poor dear! You poor woman!”

Sympathy sucks. I don’t want sympathy. I want them to know that although I am scared when my son deploys, that I am so intensely proud of him at the same time. I am not pitiful. I am painfully proud! They don’t get it, and I guess maybe I should pity them in return for not understanding — more so for their not wanting to understand.

You can practice empathy easy enough. Instead of trying to brace yourself or come up with specific answers for specific conversations, just relax and remember that sometimes the only thing you can say is “thank you for your sacrifice.” Sometimes you may be able to relate to a specific emotion, but remember that empathy is “feeling with” the other person. You can only gain it by listening and truly caring.

The next thing I will post are some responses that others have heard that meant a lot to them while their loved ones were deployed. I actually believe there is more material to work with on the positive side. There are so many wonderful military supporters in this Country who have risen to the occasion and have struck an empathetic chord with families. We always hear thank you from them… well I want to say “thank you!” back. The support is priceless.