I had such fun on the radio with Yankee Mom earlier this past week. If you haven’t had a chance, take a listen. We had a lot of fun talking about the practical side of troop support — what it means and what citizens can do to support our troops now and for the long haul!
While I was talking Deb asked me if I ever had anyone ask me dumb questions. I was reminded of a post I wrote way back when Mike first rolled into Baghdad — he was preparing for Baqubah and the surge, but I was still ignorant of what was going to happen. Really, at that point, ignorance was best for me.
I thought you all would get a kick out of these questions. Some asked to me directly and some asked to other blue star parents/wives that I know. If you’ve got one to share, please comment. I would love to start a collection.
Enjoy!
BASIC COMPASSION TRAINING (BCT) 101
A few weeks ago I wrote an entry concerning mothers and deployment. Today I want to talk about a related topic — a topic that is related because it impacts the difficulty of deployment for families.
Some of the military moms that I have the immense pleasure of knowing and chatting with are underground. Yes. I have heard them tell one another to not even mention that their son or daughter is in Iraq in a conversation until they can be sure that the person to whom they are speaking will not go off on a tirade of anti-war sentiment. It’s not as if myself or these other moms walk around with a huge sign that our sons are soldiers, but it certainly does come up in conversation when it is warranted.
I support and uphold any citizen’s right to air their grievances where any institution is involved — including the military. This is one of the basic and fundamental rights for which my son is currently fighting to preserve. These basic rights are what compelled my husband to leave the civilian world and work as a soldier to support the efforts of our Army. This is in no way, shape or form, a call to silence people. This is my own airing of grievances, and I choose to do it here where it is relatively safe. I choose to do it here because if someone wants to say something hateful and non-supportive, I have the option of deleting their comment. It is an option I wish I had at times in my physical reality.
There are those in our society who feel an intense opposition to the war in which we are currently engaged. Again, I respect their right to protest, to voice their discontent, and to do whatever they have to do, within the limits of the law, to make their voices heard. I, in turn, reserve my own right to voice my own opposition to the way in which some of their opposers voice their discontent.
Sometimes you do have people around you who are genuine, and who are truly trying to find something to say when they learn that you have a loved one in Iraq. I honestly feel for them. I know that awkward feeling of not knowing what to say, but feeling compelled to say something anyway. I have found that saying “I really don’t know what to say, but I will be praying for you.” is a safe and honest response. I would rather hear that than hear a comment that leaves us both feeling uncomfortable.
I thought I would do a quick “Cliff Notes” version of some of the things I have heard personally, or have heard from other families. These are things that were hurtful or just straight out insensitive. Some of the comments are things that I think well meaning people utter without thinking about what they are saying. Oh, and yes the comments below are real comments and real questions. No one could make this stuff up!
I think I may put these on note cards so that when I am caught in the moment I can rattle off a retort. It is so hard to do on the spot sometimes:
“I don’t know why your son would join the military right now. This war is illegal and wrong! (insert a tirade of political gobbledygook here)”
OK, here’s the skinny. My son joined because he does not believe this is an illegal war. Your opinion is just that — opinion. Many young men and women are rising to the challenge to defend this Country and to defend your right to say the things you just did. Please, find someone to vent to who can listen to you and appreciate it. I am not that person.
“Your son should have stayed in college!”
There is a concept in Social Work that we call “Self Determination.” It is something that adults do. He is a man, and quite capable of making his own decisions, and I happen to be very proud of him for his decision to join.
“Stop worrying. I know your son will be just fine. Have a little faith.”
I appreciate that you are trying to comfort me, but those words minimize my very real and surmounting fears. How do you know that every thing will be just fine? How can you say that? Also, please realize that voicing my fears and frustrations is not an indicator of a lack of faith. It is an outward manifestation of my frailty and my humanity.
“Has your son ever had killed anyone?” (yes this is a real question, and one that soldiers get asked sometimes too) I am going to quote my son here:
“Why do you want to know? To know if I might be one step away from being a PTSD case? Or is it because you want to live vicariously through me? Is it because you understand the thought process that goes behind having to pull the trigger on a living, breathing, human being? [Maybe] you want me to prove that I’m a killer, and upon receiving that proof you want to use it to show how the military changes good men. The military, and combat, does change good men; it changes them into people who respect life more than anyone else could ever understand. Stop asking.”
“Where are you going to bury your son if something should happen?”
Say what? You did NOT just ask me that! Either you are a very tactless salesman for the local cemetery or you are very socially inept. Basically, you had better get out of arms reach of me, and quickly. First, let’s talk about all of your thoughts on the death of your own child, and then maybe we can get to mine. I still can’t believe you just said that!
“Has your son ever seen a dead body?”
Dude, he’s in Baghdad. He’s smack in the middle of a combat zone. Now, let’s play a game of connect the dots!
“What do you think about Cindy Sheehan?”
The only thing that she and I have in common is that our sons have both served in the military and served in Iraq. She does not represent military mothers any more than the rest of us. We all have our opinions, and hers bought her a season of fame. Her son is a fallen hero, and I hold him in highest regard. Other than that I do not think about her at all.
And, I will finish with my all time ‘favorite.’ This was said to a mother of a deployed soldier by someone who noticed the yellow ribbon magnet on her car. He spoke before he knew he was speaking to a soldier’s mom, but unfortunately I don’t know if that knowledge would have stopped him. :
“Those magnets are stupid and cheesy. You aren’t supporting the troops by displaying that. If you really wanted to support them you would demand that they come home.”
If you think for one moment that the mother, wife, father, husband or any loved one of a deployed soldier wants him in a combat zone then you really are a few clowns short of a circus. We don’t want them there, but we support them being there because we understand that it is necessary. Balancing paradoxical emotions and understandings is hard work, but we manage. You have no clue what that woman does for the troops. I am sure it goes beyond a magnet on her car.
Furthermore, leave her alone and let her have her ribbon magnet. She is minding her own business, abiding by the law and harming no one. What makes you think she should have to stand there and be verbally assaulted by you because she is displaying a very public symbol of a personal reality. Oh, and I always have an extra magnet and contact information to send a soldier a care package, here’s my card since you are anxious to support our guys!
I am afraid that this is to be continued….
