I got a link in an email taking me to an article on Salon where a former Army wife touts how easy it is to leave a soldier while he is in theater. She starts her article off by making provocative and pathetically attention seeking claims about how easy it was for her to leave her deployed husband. She writes intentionally inflammatory things because she has a book in the making. It’s obvious she is capitalizing on what is supposed to be a very private pain, and instead she has turned into some sick public celebration.
Using shock and awe for marketing is old hat, but I guess if you can’t market yourself on stellar morals and integrity you are left with the Hollywood approach. I even found it reminiscent of the old Paul Simon song “50 ways to leave your lover,” where instead of handling a relationship like an adult a man is being told to “step out the back Jack, make a new plan Stan,…” Anything but looking the other person in the relationship in the face and dealing with the issues at hand. It’s the quintessential expression of self-centeredness.
The writer only got me mildly riled because she is outrageous and she will only appeal to other outrageous people. She will not be very persuasive to audiences outside of those who would already enjoy reading what she has to say — which is really a bunch indiscriminate drivel, in my humble opinion of course.
I won’t directly quote her because I am not interested in giving this attention seeking person any more attention than what is necessary to address a few disturbing things I found in the article. If you really must read it you can do a google search for “leave soldier salon” it’s the first article to come up.
My only disclaimer for anything I say below is this: I do not judge the pain and suffering that multiple deployments cause in a marriage and on the spouse who remains at home. It is harder than anything else I have ever witnessed. I would be a hypocrite to say that I understand because I have only faced deployment as a mother. I shouldn’t say “only” because that is no walk in the park. I have faced a long separation from my husband with very little contact when he was in the Army. I know it sucks. I know it’s taxing, but he was not in a war zone so I would never pretend to fully understand the strain. I think it is safe to say this — I know it is exhausting and it takes a tremendous toll. I may not be able to address it directly, but I am by no means clueless since I am walk this road with my daughter-in-law right now and several other very close and personal friends.
Below are some points I want to address from the article:
- The author claims she fell in love with her soldier because he was a soldier. Romantic idealism is not a basis for a marriage. Should you marry because of this notion you are obligated to fulfill your marital vows — that is unless you thought ahead and instead of saying “until death do us part” you said “until death, boredom, or something else catches my fancy” do us part. The irony to this is she is now married to a “marxist” so it sounds as if she once again has fallen in love with an identity instead of a person. I wonder how long it will take before the ‘sexiness’ of Marxism wears off for her. Yes, the thought of her need for lithium did come to mind.
- Sacrifices in military life are two way. The second that either party — the deployed or those waiting at home — fail to empathize with what the other is going through then problems start. It’s vital that the military marriage is viewed by both parties as a partnership and not merely as an “inconvenient truth.” This is not saying that even the strongest military marriages are not stretched beyond their means at times, but the resentment level seems to be lower when both spouses have a partnership mentality.
- War protests (and therefore protesters) make life harder on military families. Newly released research clearly shows that military spouses and military children do better during multiple deployment if they don’t have Marxist hippies holding stupid signs that say asinine things like “no war for oil.” Spouses and children fight warfare in their minds daily. They do not need idiots outside their place of residence who then like to add insult to injury. I just had to mention this since said author makes it a point to state that the “Marxist” she is married to now had participated in protests while she was a military wife. Ironic, no?
- Even though there are “50 ways to leave your lover” there is only one way to leave your children. It’s called abandonment. The final paragraphs of this article cover how the author’s son has chosen the path of his father (and millions of other wonderful men through out the Centuries) to serve this great Nation. The one statement she made that I can address head on is her concern about how it might feel to love her son now that he is a military member. My first thought was WTF? Then I reread it because I was sure she had said something else, right? No. She had to ask, and all I have to say is if you have to ask a question like that it really is time to learn a little something called sacrificial, unconditional, selfless love. If you failed to do this in marriage, now is the time to practice the concept. You love your soldier, sailor, marine, or airman like you always have, and then some. You work hard and sacrifice for them while they are working hard and sacrificing for you. The only other thought I had, pardon the crude expression, was to woman-up and grow a set of ovaries!
- An issue I discussed here a while back that is detrimental to military families is the entitlement mentality. Freedom, liberty and our personal pursuits are intricately tied up in our responsibilities. This concept is becoming more and more foreign in our culture. Everyone has an excuse for why they can’t follow through — I even heard a young woman the other day assigning what “percentage” of blame she owned in a situation. Have we become so petty and so cowardice that we can’t own the responsibility that is rightfully ours? It’s time to put big girl pants on and deal with it. We are not entitled to erotic love or even sexual gratification. I know our culture is steeped in it, but there are bigger things in this life. Sex is a wonderful and beautiful part of marriage — I am no prude! For the love of all things good it’s not the main goal in life and if it is you are officially diagnosable.
The only other advice I offer is this — if you are a disgruntled ex-wife or ex-girlfriend of a military member and plan on writing a book any time soon, never use the back of a deployed soldier you kicked in the face as your platform for sympathy. Not only is it the most classless thing you can do, but it will backfire on you. Any brilliance you presume to have will be outdone by brave women wearing Gold Stars. Other women I know shine their Blue Stars every morning and they get up and deal with the life they have before them.
Plain and simple – I do not hear self-pity from them and they have a reason to express their pain and suffering. I think pity and whining sums up what I heard in the tone of that article.
One further illumination of the point are the Silver Star families. There are hundreds of spouses, parents, friends and loved ones who are caring for their wounded warriors. I have three good friends who have husbands with severe TBI, PTSD and two have been through multiple surgeries to correct wounds they sustained by IEDs. These women do not feel cheated. Everyday they wake up happy they married a man with substance to his character, and a man who stands for the right things and not selfish motivations. They are grateful for the hardships they face each day with doctor’s appointments, procedures, and problem solving around memory issues, because they know the alternative would have meant burying their husbands. One of my friends told me a while back that people have asked her if she knew then what she knows now, would she have married a soldier? She told me with tears in her eyes, “I tell them proudly that I would. I have no regrets and count myself blessed to love my husband who just so happens to be a soldier.”
That’s the difference between falling in love with an idea and falling in love with a man.
