Things you should know if you want to marry a soldier

February 19, 2010 By
Posted in Spouse and Family

I hear a lot from girls who are in love with a soldier… or think they are in love, or who want to marry a man they have met who is in the military. I don’t think it’s good to beat around the bush, so here’s a few answers to more common things I have heard from girlfriends and fiances.

If you are in a serious relationship with someone is already a soldier, or are very attracted to men in uniform and would like to be seriously involved with a soldier, there are a few things you need to know… If you marry a soldier:

  • you also marry the military. If he is a career soldier, you had better learn to love it or at least be at peace with it. Don’t use the military against him, and know his intentions from the beginning. Don’t marry a man who is intending on staying in for 20-years and then blackmail him later with guilt because he keeps signing back on.
  • be prepared for deployment. Don’t say “if” but make plans and say “when.” No matter his job he will more than likely deploy at least once. If he’s in a combat position or other vital areas be prepared for several deployments. If you can not live with this then you need to be honest and tell him NOW. Don’t wait until you are leaving him 3-years into the marriage because you didn’t open your eyes and look honestly at the commitment you were making before you said “I do.”
  • while you are dating or engaged, go ahead and get a good sense of who you are when he is away in training or deployed. If you are very needy and feel incomplete when he is away then work on yourself now. Marriage does not take your insecurities away, but sometimes it can magnify them if they are not dealt with. Finish your education, figure out who you are, what you like and what you are going to do to constructively fill your time when he is away.
  • this figuring out includes your need for physical contact also. If you need a lot of physical contact and feel you can not stay faithful to a man who is gone a lot, then don’t do this to him or yourself. Find yourself someone who is home and doesn’t travel for a living.
  • don’t fall in love with the uniform, the image or any other aspect of the military first. You must love the man in the uniform first and foremost. The man in that uniform you love may also be a man who comes home with injuries including PTSD, TBI or other physical wounds. He needs a wife who loves HIM and not just who he is when he’s strong and healthy and “hooahing” it up. Marriage is a public partnership, but a privately intimate “soulship” where both partners learn to give more than they take. If you do not think you can love this man if he came home with severe, life-threatening and life-altering wounds, then don’t marry him. When you say “for better or for worse” to a military man that includes the real “worst” that war has to offer (including raising your children as a widow).
  • if you are not a strong communicator or you have a lot of huge insecurities that leave you needing constant feedback and reassurance, then go to therapy before you marry. Women tend to be the stronger communicators in the relationship arena. You have to be a master at it and you have to be creative too.
  • if you think that marrying a soldier will make your life anything like the wives on “Military Wives” or “The Unit” then you need a serious reality check. If all that I have written sounds like too much work, then ask a military wife for yourself. Find one who has been through several deployments, has children, and who has a full and interesting life. The military community is full of them. Don’t ask her how she does it, but watch her do it for a while. Ask her for her advice.

15 Responses to Things you should know if you want to marry a soldier

  1. Pingback: Feb 18th Live Blog — You Served® – Veteran and Military Blog and Military Podcast

  2. I am not a wife yet.But I am learning…and it is a hard lesson.I am learning to listen when he says nothing at all.I am learning to read his telegrams ( where others write long emails). I m learning to wait patiently ( patience has never been one of my virtues) for his few phone calls.I am learning to keep for myself my fears and insecurities.He always told me this was going to be hard. It is.But he has already many problems in Af and I dont want to be another problem.I know I cannot be a solution but at least I can be his bridge with the positive emotions I have.But what I can say is that I am proud of what he is and what he symbolises.It is not only the uniform he wears.It is the man he is and what he does.I am very proud. I have learnt that army will be always his first option and I will always be behind that. But I accept this second best place.
    Thanks

    • Sounds exactly like my soldier. He doesn’t tell me much so I have to guess much of the time. We just started this relationship a month ago but the next time I’m going to see him is four months from the day we parted. I try to remember not to be clingy and impatient but I’m still learning. Today is one of those hard days that just drags on forever.

  3. I’ve been a military wife 7 + yrs we are apart now. Some last but true study and fact 80 % military marriages don’t. I wish the good souled ppl good luck. I was one of those but my hubby wasn’t. Military and being overseas his 5th deployment changed his ways. Advice for ppl you can not just do whatever you want on a base. I knew many young ppl who thought oh I can bring my wife with me & do whatever I want. That will get you in trouble as well as your hubby. Base rules are just like outside rules. Live and learn !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. I am currently in a serious relationship with a soldier who is stationed in Italy. I have no doubt in my mind I am a strong enough woman to deal with being the spouse of a dedicated Military man. My concern is how fast they want to rush the relationship when it comes to marriage. Is it possible that the relationship can work and I can travel where he is stationed stateside without getting married right away? Marriage to me is forever and this is the first time ive ever discussed such a big step with someone I am with and am scared he wont understand if i dont rush this

    • I realized you replied a year ago. What’s your current situation? I’m faced with the same situation. I just met my soldier a month ago and already he’s talking about getting married. Reading about the 80% divorce rate from the previous replier makes me worried. Thoughts?

  5. I am with a soldier who is stationed in south Korea. I have known him since grade school and he is a really great guy I couldn’t ask for a better man.And I know in my heart that I am strong enough to deal with deployment But it is really hard. I made a promise to this man that I will always be by his side and I will stick to my promise. But when you get with a soldier prepare to give up sleep lol bc you will wanna spend your nights skyping your soldier..or when you get that text message from him just to tell you that he is fine and he loves you and will be home soon I get butterflies in my stomach and it gets hard to breathe when I hear my soldiers voice..I dont regret being with a soldier…to me its the best feeling in the world just knowing that he is serving and protecting his country but when he is thousands of miles away from me and makes me fall even more in love with him.But when it comes to your soldier being deployed the best thing for you to do is just do something to keep your mind off of it.If you dont think you can handle being away from him for months or even years then marrying a man in the military might not be such a good thing bc you will have to go through it.But to me being a Army Wife is the best feeling in this world and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

  6. Claire – I loved reading your article and was able to use it in my notes for today’s blog on our facebook community page. If your interested in my version of your article feel free to look us up on facebook at Ohio Military Love. I had a blast writing my current notes.

    Thanks for your work,
    Erica
    OML <3

  7. Amanda Ybarra

    I’m currently not in this situation but in a couple of years I will be. I’m looking for someone who will help me and give me some pointers or some tips on how to cope and pull threw this. I have a couple of friends who are in this situation and they say it isn’t to bad but everyone’s different. If someone would be helpful and help me get threw this I would greatly appreciate it(:

  8. Kharizza Ledda

    I am with a soldier who is in Virginia right now for training and is about to be stationed to Germany. I am so proud of him and I knew before getting in the relationship that I will always be second best. It was hard at first to deal with the distance so I am still in the process of learning right now. I have learned to not be needy and just be patient. Right now we are able to text and talk on the phone everyday but when he moves to Germany I know that will change. I know I am strong enough to deal with the distance. I am a Christian and I always pray about him and us and to keep us strong and that helps me alot. We have talked about marriage. We don’t have a date yet but the plan was to get married after I graduate college so about a year from now. The replies really helped me see that despite all the negative comments I see and hear about military couples, it is possible to make a relationship and marriage last. I fall more in love with him when I see how much he wants to serve his country and I made him a promise that I will support him 100%, even if that means he will make the military his career and we will be apart for long periods of time. Thank you for all the comments here. They helped give me peace of mind.

  9. Yes a part 2 please! You ladies have helped me more than you will ever know!

  10. I am currently engaged to a solder i love him very much and i want to do EVERYTHING i can to become the woman i need to be to stay in a marriage with him for the rest of our lives. I worry though because my father is in the military for 33 years now and is current going through his second divorce i feel that both women were not prepared for the hardship the army would put on them i now that marriage is hard on its own but as i read the strength of you women i see that my mother and step mother where nothing like you, and you give me hope, what can i do to became the best army wife i can be and to always be working to be better? are there groups and things that i can attend and people i can talk with or anything?
    i also worry that my own issues will get in the way of our relationship how and who should i talk to about these?

  11. So, I’m only 17, but I’ve been seeing this guy seriously for awhile. He’s graduated and leaves for basic training for the Air Force in April, I believe. I really, really care about my future soldier. I’m just worried. What if he forgets about me while he’s living his dream? I’m going to be here to support him through whatever he needs. I’ve been telling him that a lot, and I think he realizes that now. I just worry that he’s not going to be emotionally strong enough to deal with separation from all the people he loves. How can I make absolute sure that he knows I’ll be here to support him?

  12. I just realized he’ll be an airman, not a soldier. Oops!

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