My dear friend Patti wrote the following based on her own experiences as a wife of a wounded warrior. Her husband came home from Iraq with a TBI and PTSD. Patti is as practical and helpful as they come. I asked her if I could repost this here in full, and she gave me the thumbs up. I hope you find the information helpful.
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Recently, I have had an influx of women sending emails to me asking if I have any information to help them cope with a husband who has PTSD.
Let me introduce myself. My name is Patti… my husband has PTSD.
PTSD is not something our men like to talk about. It’s not something we as wives want to think about either. But, the truth is there are many military men coming back from deployment only to face a mental war inside themselves.
First and foremost, let me say… PTSD is not something you should be ashamed of. If you think you have PTSD, or your husband has PTSD, it is very important that you go and find help. The military offers free counseling for those who need it.
I understand that some may not want to go on post for counseling. There’s another great resource out there… Give An Hour. Give An Hour is a private organization that offers not only free counseling, but confidential counseling.
Not only does PTSD effect our military men, but it effects families and can effect friendships. If you suspect your husband has PTSD and he will not admit it, you should still consider seeking guidance for yourself.
The more you know about PTSD, the better you will be able to cope with someone who has PTSD. Many military wives have secondary PTSD.
Pattis Top 10 on living with a combat injured, PTSD Vet:
1. Seek Godly counsel
2. Educate yourself on PTSD; you can visit CNN Health, they offer an array of information on PTSD. You can also GOOGLE PTSD and many results will pop up in the search engine.
3. Learn what your husbands “triggers” are and how to defuse situations (example: anniversaries of difficult situations; death of commrads, extreme firefights etc). If you know it’s the anniversary of something difficult your husband experienced while your husband was away, you may know why he’s having an exceptionally bad day, week or sometimes even month.
4. Take care of yourself. For the past couple of years, I have let myself go to take care of my husband and his injuries. I am finally getting back on task when it comes to taking care of myself. It’s been a long road, and if you can avoid going down the road I went down – trust me, it will be best for you! Exercise, eat right, try to sleep good. Its so easy to get wrapped up into worrying about your husband. If you don’t take care of yourself, you will eventually crumble.
5. If your husband is also suffering from other mental conditions such as depression or self harm, allow them to feel the way they do – BUT – watch for warning signals that things may be getting worse so that you can help them by alerting a mental health team or doctor.
6. Don’t be hard on yourself! Do not blame yourself for your husbands PTSD, do not think you “should have” done this or that. We all know that the horrific events of war are what caused your husbands PTSD, don’t start questioning yourself.
7. Keep a journal or have a mentor you can “vent” to. As women, most of us are external processors. This means, we need to release so many words to express our feelings and emotions. You will feel better after releasing these thoughts/words. You can either keep a journal or talk with a mentor. Sometimes, as women – we just need to “get it all out.”
8. Marriage counselling with someone who understands PTSD would be very benifical. I’m not saying this is going to “fix” your husbands PTSD, but it will hopefully allow you both an avenue to express yourselves on how you are both feeling, why you are feeling the way you do and what techniques may help you.
9. Find a PTSD support group in your area. If you cannot find a support group, maybe you will think about creating a support group yourself. There’s a very big need for PTSD support groups, and it’s always good to know you are not traveling down that road alone.
10. Don’t be afraid to admit that you need help. There are resources, organizations, support groups, books and so much more that are out there to help. We should be very thankful these resources are in place for us in todays day and age.
Resourses I have found helpful are:
Family Of A Vet
I am so sorry and know how you feel, myu husband of seven years does the same thing, the VA is no help for spouses and children and they often tell the veteran to leave or divorce us. it hurts and i feel the same way i am confused at the way they handle these things in the military and as always, like in the army infantry the families get left by the wayside.
Several months ago The Lord impressed upon my heart to make connections with other military wives regarding support groups for wives of husbands with PTSD.
I encountered a woman in her work place almost in tears, several months ago. She stated, that she worked many hours just to get out of the house, because she had such a difficult time pleasing her husband. My heart was aching for her. I came home that afternoon and told my husband that something has to be done to support women who are in these positions, because there health and welfare are equally important. Suffice it to say, I did not act on this impression until it was again laid on my heart. (TODAY)
Having a spouse diagnoised with PTSD, I would like to participate in any way that I can to lighten the load for others, for it is an audious task.
I am married to Viet Nam Vet, Green Beret CSM. Medially retired,ie: heart attack. We have been married 12 years. When we first ment he was full of life, nothing like The day after we got married, it all stopped. No intimacy, hugs are empty, he is not physical, but a rude jerk with PTSD. I do everything around the house, mow, build, cook, while he eats, sleeps and shits. Plays on the computer and talks on the phone. I do not get compliments.He has taken away everything in this marriage that he possibly can.. He cant go to a show down town. Now I am the soul driver he has anxiety attacks when driving. If he wants to, he can be nice to neighbors or friends. When I am driving down the road, he is busy yelling at people, rolling down the windows… He got mad the other day, because the dog was barking in the car as we drove by, and I said, “He is doing what he sees, you barking out the window.” I am weary. I dont know how much longer I can deal with this. I havent felt warmth from him since the day we got married. I feel manipulated. I feel trapped.
A few months ago i meet a guy that has PTSD and we started dating. I have 3 kids and all the kids love him. I also have fallen for him alot. Befor i meet him i had no clue as to what PTSD was but i have put alot of hours into looking into it and have learned alot. I understand when he says he needs time along now what it means. When he is pushed to the limit i also know its time to give him some space. So the best thing for anyone to do is learn all you can about it and im still learning and want to know more.
Hello….Nice blog. I have suffered from Ptsd and depression since I was 17 years old. I recently went to a catholic priest thinking that maybe I could renew some of my Christian affiliations. I told them that I had PTSD…He said What’s that?. He was quite old and then asked me about my three kids…I am divorced. I told them that my wife and I brought up my children as Protestants and he just shook his head negatively. Needless to say, I never went back to that church. What is it about religious people and mental illness? They just do not get it.
Hello, I have been married to a PTSD vet for 35 yers now. Bad and good times. I have decided in order for e to survie that i am going to have to get my own couneseling. i want to be happy and love my house and do enjoy doing things for my husband. he is an isolationist though so we live way out n the country. i am going to start making new friends and try to find a part time job. he can’t fix me and i can’t fix him but i want to learn to get help to make me better and cope better. thank you ladies for all your encouragement
Hello,My husband was on a submarine,then worked in a womens prison 10 years each place, he was diagnosed with PTSD about 8 years ago.I like what u said Julia. My husband goes to counciling,i have been with him a couple times.seems like they go over the same thing.Lately my husband hasn’t asked me ti go along.And my concern is now he talkes to me in such a mean way,is that normal.I need to speak up but,i’m not one of those on the spot people.He catches me off guard.I have been keeping a journal.and venting to a l.friend of mine which i’m sure she gets sick of listening to me.
Sandi, I would like to chat with you, we have very similar stories
I have been married to my husband for 9 years now and we have 3 children together and 1 from my previous relationship. I have thought of leaving him many time and did once but my husband is a fast talker and really knows what strings to pull to get his way. But now that the children are getting older and my 17 year old just wants out. He wants college to get him away from all the yelling and criticism that comes with my husbands mood swings and anger. I want him to be independent but I want him to always feel like his home is always going to be an option for him. When I finished school and got my dream job a lot became possible for me. One was I didn’t feel I had to put up with him putting me down cuz he was the only one bringing money in and now that I can support myself and my children it has become evident that he is very careful to blurt out, “theres the door, leave!” 35 years seems so unrealistic for me to even think we will make it when I don’t even know if I can make it to 10 years in Dec. He won’t take the time to get put on new meds cuz he hates waiting in line. As you know with the military everything is waiting in line. He finally got disablity but sometimes I just want to talk with other people who know what I’m dealing with so that I don’t feel like he is just this evil man who only thinks about himself.
“Rabbit”
Jessica, I am in the same boat although i am currently pregnant (7m) and have two children 5 and 6 with my husband. I have had to kick him out last week, for freaking out and not getting his meds and skipping appointments. he has done this before and it escalated to him being hospitalized. But what I dont understand is the VA telling him to leave ME. we have been married for 7 years now and I have dealt with his behaviors before, severe mental illness run in his family and he was diagnosed with bi-polar like his mother and grandfather when he was 18 and in rehab, though the VA will not diagnose him and tell him that he is not. I am so confused at when to say when in this situation, I have panic attacks and severe anxiety when he is around and the kids are also suffering. He has hit, and spit on me on numerous occasions and even pushed me down, that was of course before i told him to get help or i would leave him(he refuses to go to his VA appts all the time ) and when he told them about what he had done, they did NOTHING. His family even says it’s all in my head and that I am overexaggerating. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AT THIS POINT,he said he would get help and continually make changes and he was and then BOOM he stopped and it’s the old jekle and hide routine. Any insight or help into this and some advicve would be nice. He has been out two years now and its just this constant up and down, wich he hides from his family and friends. hE TELLs me it’s me and so do they and now i am starting to feel like im going crazy!!!!!
HELP!!!!
Jessica,I understand,my husbands the same way .My kids are both out of the house,they don’t like to come home,my son said the other day how do u keep from going insane?Your situations hits the nail on the head
I have been married to a veteran for just three years. We dated for two and a half years. He never told me that he suffers from ptsd, depression, suicidal thoughts, dreams, etc. Dating him, he was the perfect gentleman. He was a great conversationalist, outgoing, acted like he loved me so much, etc. After he took me to Niagara Falls to marry me on July 4, 2008, that day my life changed for the worst. Almost instantaneously he changed. On our wedding night, he did not want to consumate the marriage. He had every excuse in the book for not wanting to be intimate. I did not understand but I let it go. When we arrived back home two days later, he did not want to be intimate with me….more excuses. I knew then that something was wrong. Two weeks later, I came home from work and my husband had left me. I mean everything he owned was gone. Again, I did not understand. All I could do was cry because I did not understand but I knew something was wrong. He wouldn’t answer the phone. He moved back in after a week but did not explain what was wrong. A month and a half later, he moved out again. This went on for the entire time we were married. He was smart enough to move out each time the rent was due and all the bills, leaving me stuck with them all. Two days ago, he had planned to leave again but I was supposed to be on a trip to San Antonio, Texas but did not go because of the weather. He is a very intelligent man and no one believes that he is like this except his counselors. When the counselor ask why he never told me about his situation, he said “She didn’t ask”. I am pissed off and broke!! What am I supposed to do. In my religion, we don’t leave our mates unless they committ adultry or die. Please help me, please and let me know are there any services for me and my daughter. I am told that he may be getting benefits for us both.
He probably wont committ adultry because he don’t have a desire for sex….Wow! I sure can pick them
Jessica I would like to chat with u,if u don’t mind
Hello. I have been married to a US Marine Scout Sniper and DI for two years. He was medically retired and has PTSD. I read many of these posts and broke down in tears because I am dealing with the same thing. My husband only focuses on the fact that he can’t go back to the Marine Corps. He can be so sweet one minute and the next turns into a walking nightmare. It used to be that it only happened every now and then and now it’s daily. He constantly asks me what he can do to fill up his time because he’s bored. I work part time an hour away from home, have two kids and he stays at home all day. He says that he feels trapped at home, but every time that I try to suggest something for him to do, he lists the reasons why he can’t. He constantly makes me feel bad for finding a job where I feel appreciated and happy and constantly accuses me of not being there for him. I try every day- no I’m not perfect and have said things out of anger in fights, but it’s getting to the point where he tears me down every day. I used to want to be around him all the time and now I am terrified. He refuses counseling, he only wants the VA to prescribe meds that will check him out all day so that he doesn’t have to deal with anything. In arguments, he gets out of control- throwing things, yelling and screaming, keys my car, destroys things in the house and then blames me because I pushed his buttons. I want to help him so bad, but I feel that he just wants to be angry, that he enjoys being angry. I love him so much and want us to be happy. I know that there will be problems, but I’m trying to get him to talk about things- when I try that, he gets sarcastic and becomes a rude jerk. I don’t know what I am supposed to do? I used to laugh, have a bubbly personality and was happy. Now, I hardly smile or laugh at anything and feel guilty if I do find happiness in anything. Please help. A friend of ours who is Army also PTSD (who never acts the way my husband does) just says that I need to love and support him. I’m doing that and my husband still continues to tear me down, blame me for his misfortunes and pushes me away. I’m sad, angry and feel taken advantage of. Is there anything out there that could help our situation?
I need help. I am the wife of a husband with combat ptsd. We live in North Carolina. I would love to have someone to talk to. We are newly weds and this is much harder now than the last 8 years we have spent together. I am losing my mind. Please someone help me in the right direction. I feel so lost. Feel free to email me anytime to contact me if you can. Anything is greatly appreciated. jnbundy3511@gmail.com
Thank you in advance, Nikki
Lindsay,
Our situation is a lot like yours. I have been married to my husband for 8 years now and we have two wondeful boys (3 and 7). His mother is bi-polar and so is he. After his first of three deployments his attitude, moodswings, and triggers escelated. I left him several times once even while I was pregnant but not for very long until I returned back to the same life with him. Over a year ago I finally packed up my kids and left after all of the insults, abuse, lies, and his self mutilation. I am a very patient person, I have always been faithful, honest, and tried to always put him first. I could not take it any longer. Our friends all took his side because he would lie. Throughout this time they have all (including his family) called me apologizing for not being there and not believing me. They were not aware of what was really happening. I moved to a new town, worked full time, and tried to start over. He lost it! Went into overdrive. He maxed out credit cards, stopped paying bills, had multiple affairs, and rarely saw his kids. I tried to be as understanding as I could. I blamed myself for everything and even shut down. I have gotten mad, disgusted, and resented him for everything. This summer he broke down and was forced to a mental hospital. Since then he has been half way trying to get back into our lives. Telling me how he loves me, calling me 20 times a day, and doing pillow talk. I love him still and lord can only tell me why. I do not think there is much anyone can do except be an ear for them. They will ALWAYS blow up, be irrational, make wrong decisions and blame you for them all. If you can handle it then stand by him, learn the routine, study the triggers. It is something that will not go away on its own. I don’t have answers only a million stories that end in tears. I hope that whatever you do decide makes it easier to breathe. If your like me, the more pain they cause, the more you feel you cannot breathe, relax, or trust. I hope I don’t offend anyone. This is just me and my story….limbo
i am in the same boat as you ladies. i feel so lonely,sad and broken. we have a four yr old son, and my husband acts like he has to take his crap out on him and me. it really pisses me off when he tells me im lazy and dont understand when it is him who has the problem opening up! everyday feels like a war, and i cant take much more. i think ive developed secondary ptsd that wives somehow get,and i also believe i am bipolar. ive suffered almost being attatcked by a neighbors pitbill that should be taken away for being dangerous,as well as a car accident, which had sparked ptsd to be even worse. yet i get no empathy from my husband. i dont know what to do, my friends cant stand him and now wants nothing to do with me. his family is nuts, his sister is stalking me and yet he doesnt want to press charges on her, when she is stalking him to, and yes it is unwanted contact, and lewd things as well as slandering me, and also spying with the friends she moved in on our block. he plays mind games between myself and his daughter, whom is my step daughter. tries to blame me for it all, even his own responsibilities he isnt accountable for. i just dont know what to do. my son is acting worse, and doesnt want to be left alone with his father. i need a support group or someone i can relate to because regardless what im told, i know im not crazy, and i know im not making things up in my head like he says. im tired of fighting this and playing or him trying to play mind games on me. i feel badly for his illness, but he has insulted me so badly and has used every threat about taking our child away and me never seeing him again, to how he will call cps on me for HIS dirty clothes,on the floor. i just want to feel happy again, and feel like i belong, with others that can understand and that do get what i am going through.