I was very saddened the other day to hear a young military wife openly talk about playing with fire. She’s not admitted to an affair, but she is talking herself right into one by trying to convince herself that she is entitled to affection and she deserves some sexual satisfaction while her husband is away.
She is younger and part of the crowd we are coming to know as the “entitlement generation.” The entitlement generation does not understand certain things about the real world — the world outside of hover-parents who rescued them, schools who give out unearned “As” and video games that make them think they can be a real rock star. Outside of all of those things that color their view of the natural world are consequences. Someone has to pay the piper and when it comes to playing around with sexual fire, there are a lot of consequences to be had.
I have heard people say that an affair “just happened!” I don’t buy it. Affairs don’t just happen. Bad boundaries, many choices, and selfish motives are in that mixture. Yes affairs happen, and they take a lot of planning — whether that planning is conscious or just below the surface it is still an act of the will. Unlike video games, we can not simply re-boot life and start over when we mess up. We take those messes into our future with us. Some people do learn from their mistakes and once they were burned they never played the game again. Those people gained wisdom. They still had to deal with the consequences though.
You do not have to have a full-fledged sexual fling to lose your sexual integrity. Sexual integrity begins with the boundaries that you put around yourself and your household that clearly state “I’m married and I don’t even go there so leave me alone.”
I was once chided by male colleagues in the work place who said “Don’t tell the nasty jokes, Claire just walked in!” To which I thanked them for respecting my boundaries. Call me a prude, but my husband never worries about where my mind and heart are. You know what? The consequences of those boundaries are peace in my home, and a pure marriage bed. Those are things money can’t buy, but affection from any other source could destroy in a minute. No thank you.
Integrity, or “inner-grit” as a friend of mine used to call it, means that there is a congruency between your stated values and your actions. Hypocrisy is the opposite of integrity. Hypocrisy is a discord between the values and principles one claims to have and the person’s actions. It’s funny that we so often ascribe the title “hypocrite” to a person of faith who fails to live up to their values, but we don’t call adulterers and cheaters the same. They are hypocrites.
The most standard of wedding vows include a statement of undying love and fidelity to your spouse. I know there are variations, but for the most part — the vast majority of us promise to keep ourselves only for our spouse and we promise to do this even when times are crappy. We promise that money, illness, and difficulties will not cause us to falter on the vow of “forsaking all others.”
Keeping ourselves true to that vow starts with our relationship with others. Inappropriate emotional ties with people of the opposite sex when you are married is wrong. You are not entitled to sexual satisfaction. You made a vow. You made a promise. Your vow and promise is only as good as your willingness to sacrifice and work to keep it true.
Of course there are the consequences of adultery that must be taken into account if someone insists on playing the game. You can count on these things – maybe not all, but at least a few:
- loss of emotional and sexual intimacy with your spouse — a loss you may never recover due to broken trust.
- financial stress and strain after divorce since many marriages that suffer infidelity ever fully recover.
- the probability that you may cheat and divorce again if you do not deal with the reasons you cheated in the first place.
- the suffering of your child(ren) if you have them. No child goes unhurt in marital discord and divorce.
- increased risk for depression
- increased risk for suicide in the family
If we feel entitled to immorality then we must remember that we are also entitled to the negative consequences that are always tagged on with those choices. I can’t believe that a little selfish excitement is worth the payment that will be demanded by natural consequences.
If you are wife on the home front who is struggling with resentment and loneliness due to multiple deployments, then please reach out for good support. Find those around you who value fidelity, but who understand what you are feeling and going through.
Never fool yourself into thinking that you are exempt from temptation. You are human. You are going through massive stress and strain. There is no shame in any of that. Find a way to get the support you need in a way that strengthens your own character and builds your family up.
