I recently wrote a piece on A Soldier’s Perspective about suicide called “Suicide Solution is No Solution.” I’ve gotten a lot of very supportive emails about all my recent posts on suicide prevention and mental health issues.
One of the emails I received posed some great questions. With the approval of the author, I wanted to answer these questions publicly in case there were others out there seeking these answers.
[Is] there any advice and direction you can give to those of us who haven’t had those experiences and truly can’t identify with the experiences our men and women in uniform encounter on a daily basis? How can we as civilians assist them in their time of need? Is there anything that we can truly do to help them? To show them how much they are cared for? To show them how important and truly invaluable they are to us? To show them how invaluable their contributions are to each one of us? To help them in deciding against making a fateful decision?
One of the toughest barriers that civilians or non-combat veterans will have to overcome is the combat veteran’s personal bias against those who haven’t “been there.” It’s not that they’re snobbish or “holier than thou” but a feeling that to truly understand what they are dealing with, you have to be there.
My grandfather fought in the skies over Germany during WWII in a B-24 and B-17. I remember reading his journal as a young man and just being awe-struck at what these young men had to deal with in the skies during their bombing runs. Yet, whenever I asked my grandfather to talk about these experiences, he closed up and wouldn’t talk. He talked around it or changed the subject completely. My father told me that my grandfather NEVER discussed his combat.
However, when I returned from Iraq, my grandfather began opening up to me in ways my father could only dream about. He talked about his combat experience and how he was “scared s***less” each time he had to get back that plane for another mission. He had been hit by German flak in the leg and many times wondered if he’d ever make it back home. That fear prompted him to constantly urge me not to go back to Iraq or Afghanistan. “I had done my time,” he said.
The fact is that because my father had never seen combat – though he volunteered to serve in Vietnam, was never sent closer than a carrier took him – he couldn’t talk to him.
Just because a combat veteran won’t open up about his experiences to those non-combat veterans or civilians doesn’t mean you should throw in the towel and give up. Our veterans still need to know that we care about them. Just because you can’t necessarily empathize with us, doesn’t mean you can’t assist us.
So, the question remains: “How can we as civilians – and I’ll add non-combat veterans – assist them in their time of need?”
The quick answer is “be there for them.” Don’t let the fact that these Soldiers (an all-inclusive term encompassing all branches of service, apologies to Marines) won’t talk about specific experiences divert you from your attempts to help. Don’t press for specifics. Be an ear. There’s a saying that God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we’d listen twice as much as we spoke. Imaging you have ten ears when trying to help a veteran and no mouth.
Sometimes, there is just nothing you can verbally say that will help, but just by being there and listening and showing that you care is worthy of a million words of encouragement. Soldiers are entitled to bad days, but when they have them don’t avoid them. These are the times when Soldiers need to know they’re not alone the most. A bad day can be made even worse when we think that no one seems to care.
Don’t be thin-skinned when trying to help a combat veteran suffering with Post Traumatic Stress. He may say things he doesn’t mean or just not be capable of conveying exactly what he’s thinking at that moment. We say some stupid stuff during our lows and words are difficult to take back. However, if you have a thick skin and can make yourself understand that it’s not personal, you’ll be better off for it. Don’t get me wrong, this does NOT give the veteran the right to verbally berate you or be abusive in language. Stand up for yourself and let him know that you don’t appreciate those words and that you are there for them anyway. PTSD is not a free ticket to stupidity and criminal activity.
Is there anything you can truly do to help them? Yes. Take the time to ask them how they’re doing, especially when it appears they are in their low point. Encourage them that their life is special. Don’t be afraid to ask if they are considering hurting themselves or others. Sometimes, just the mere question will convince them not to go to extremes.
Don’t baby them. Don’t let them get away with insults or extreme behavior. Don’t patronize them by allowing them to do or say things that are hurtful. Encourage them to find outlets to deal with their feelings by talking to you or others or by writing their feelings down in a journal. You can show them you care for them just by calling them or stopping by to say hi.
For those that are able to, if you see a combat veteran at an eating establishment (indicated in the Army by a right shoulder unit patch below the flag), pay for their meal secretly. Don’t let the server point you out or give any identifying information.
I recently ate at a Cracker Barrel (Wednesday Chicken Pot Pie Day!!) on my way home from a TDY in uniform. As I was finishing up, the waitress informed me that my meal was paid for but wouldn’t say who did it. This simple act reinforced my belief that I’m not invisible and people care about me. If you can’t afford to pay for a meal, walk up to that Soldier and just thank them for their service. If you’re shy, just write it on a napkin and place it on the table or have the server take it to the Soldier.
Finally, you have to understand that sometimes nothing you can say or do will convince some people that living is worth it. When even your best efforts aren’t “good enough” revert back to what I said earlier: be thick-skinned. It’s not your fault. It’s not Bush’s fault. It’s not Obama’s fault. It’s not his family’s fault. It’s not the war’s fault. It’s that Soldier’s fault. There is nothing in this world worth taking your life over. The only one that a suicide victim has to blame is himself. Don’t take it personally. Believe me, I’ve beat myself up over and over again when this happens and it doesn’t do any good. It wasn’t my fault. Could we have done more? Of course. We can always do more! But you can everything in the world for someone and if they aren’t willing to accept that sacrifice, there’s nothing you can do about it.
I hope this helps a little for those asking these questions of themselves.
Note: I am not a doctor nor am I a trained expert in this field. I’ve studied the topic independently and the following information my personal opinion. I am not in any way a subject matter expert and recommend that you seek professional guidance for serious cases. I also do not represent the official military or government position on any of these issues.
