Golden Rules of Receiving Care Packages

August 26, 2009 By LL
Posted in Guest Blogger

You know, my friend JP wrote a seminal piece on how not to send crappy care packages when he was in Afghanistan about 5 years ago (It is tongue-in-cheek and STILL riles up the masses). He pulls it out, dusts it off, and updates it occasionally, to remind all us supporters to mind our p’s and q’s.

Well, I think it’s time to give a tat for his tit. (Whoa, that SO didn’t come out right, but you know what I mean)

1. Don’t ask for electronics. I’m way better looking than Bill Gates, even though HE could probably get you the iPods and such, and I will send stuff to you, but asking for electronics is greedy. I have 2 kids to fulfill the greedy need-need-wanna-gotta-have hole in my life, m’kay? Unless I squeezed you outta my hoohah, you’re not getting a new iPod, thankyouverymuch, so stop asking.  (By the way, I still don’t have one, so I’m considered a luddite in JP’s eyes.  Whatever)

2. Generic food items should be appreciated. Oh my gosh, do you know how many starving children in Africa one generic instant mac & cheese cup could feed? 20. That’s how many. Stop yer whinin’! You can always go back to MREs and not poop for 3 weeks. Our bowels work just fine and we’re happy to send that stuff to someone else. (Yes, I’m a mother, and yes, that “starving children in Africa” phrase is in the Mom Handbook as a legitimate use phrase.)

3. Any clothing item requests should include colors and sizes. I’m used to buying for 3 people-a 13 year old girl, a 7 year old boy, and myself. Unless you want white t-shirts in Boys Youth M, or underwear with the Twilight motif, or a push up bra in size 38DD, be S.P.E.C.I.F.I.C.

4. Communication is our strong suit. Here’s a clue…if you ask us how we’re doing, we’re gonna tell you. Most of us are girls. We like to talk. We will tell you how we’re doing, what we’re doing, what we’ve done, what our dog just did, and what color we painted our toenails. If long boring emails or letters aren’t your thing, don’t ask.

5. Communication is a two way street. Don’t assume you’re the only soldier we support and that we know your every tiny like and dislike. If you didn’t tell us that cheese-in-a-can and crackers are your favorite snack EVAH and we just by luck threw some in a box and now you’re disappointed cuz the second box didn’t have it…blame yourself. If you TELL us you can’t live without sourpatch kids, we will send you 30 bags of it. If you don’t, you’re left sucking on butterscotch disks and cursing the gods for a crappy supporter who doesn’t know your proclivities. Bad communicator. Bad, bad communicator!

6. The word “entertainment” covers a lot of ground. I have it on good authority that some soldiers find tossing pebbles into each others mouths and torturing boobahs entertaining. These were infantry guys, so take THAT fact however you like, but we supporters are not mind readers. If you like to read Maxim for entertainment, let us know. If you need a deck of cards and some poker chips, sound off. If sudoku is your thing to while away the time, a head’s up is nice. Otherwise, you may end up with a box of pebbles. And I’m not talkin’ about the fruity cereal kind either!

7. Expect the occasional prank box. Ummm, some of us have a sense of humor. We can and WILL send inappropriate items such as pedicure kits, flip flops with daisies on them, or if you are arachnaphobic, you may get…..spidery things, etc. If you are a Serious Dexter, maybe you should tell us up front so you don’t have to explain the blinking pink princess crown to your buddies. We’re just trying to make you laugh and lighten things up a little. Barbie band aids handed out by medics amuse us. You have been forewarned. (Oh, and all items listed have been sent by myself or a small group of supporters that I coordinate with, so I’m really not kidding that if you don’t have a sense of humor, I’m not your gal or tell me you have no sense of humor. Then again, I may just send a prank box and have your buddy video record you opening it. I’m evil that way)

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