Ann Little - Army Veteran
On September 11th I sat in a room with other young soldiers watching in disbelief as the Twin Towers crumbled before us on the TV screen. At that moment, my initial reason for joining the Army, for the tuition benefits, seemed so insignificant that it all but disappeared. The reality of my father, an electrician for FDNY, or my brother, a NYPD Officer, in danger was all I could think about yet I was powerless to do anything but wait. Uncertainty had been a familiar feeling throughout my life, but this was different. What was meant to be just a job turned into an obligation I was unable to comprehend the magnitude of. My naivety, as it did for so many others that day, ended. It was impossible to anticipate what I was about to face or the fortitude I would require to get through the next five years. People constantly tell me "I could never have done what you did," but we are inherent with the basic will to survive. Some people might be so fortunate to have suffered no more then a broken nail or a flat tire on any given day, but, when faced with hard circumstances that we do not understand, we forge ahead. We do what we must; we adapt and rise to that challenge. Uncertainty could no longer be an obstacle in my way.
The greatest lesson for me would be one in humility. On Route Tampa in Baghdad, also referred to as IED Alley, we were returning to post from a mission. I sat in the back of a truck with my rifle pointed outward scanning the surrounding landscape locked and loaded. Often on convoys, children would appear out of no where. Except for a hovel out in the middle of debris and trash there was little around us, and it seemed unthinkable that anyone could live there. On that particular day, however, a little girl emerged. She ran up to the convoy in a red and black dress two sizes too big for her, the way I might have run for the ice cream truck when I was her age. The smile on her face as she ran along side us is burned into my memory. I grew up wanting for nothing in a nice suburban town; there was a chance she might not live to see another year. That day though, more than any other in my entire life, I learned humility. It would be a constant lesson every day I served in the Army and one I hope I never forget.
When people ask about what it's like to serve I feel pride in myself and my accomplishments but I also think of how I never held my nephew in those first few months of his life. You take for granted that your family will always be there until one day they are not by your side. Returning home posed a new challenge in my life. Learning how to reconnect and get reacquainted with the people I left behind is difficult. I was not the only one to change while I was away. I have missed birthdays, births, christenings, weddings and deaths and so many other precious moments with those I love. Times lost because I could not see their significance then, or because my duty kept me away. Now it is a matter of trying to fit back into the picture of their lives when I have been absent from it for so long. A fellow service member told me upon my discharge that I would not know how much I had changed until I was home again. Almost a year later, I still feel alone in the crowd and am constantly aware of how what was once familiar now seems incredibly foreign to me. There is no training for that, no manual, just patience, understanding and time.
I must be honest and say that, before the service, I lacked goals. I did not appreciate what I had in family, friends or opportunities. I skated through my life, just getting by, unsure of myself and what direction I wanted to go in. Since that time, I have experienced the human condition in its extremes. I have stood in beautiful cities that date back farther than my imagination allows. I have seen the most amazing displays of love, compassion, heroics and the ugliest of hate and intolerance in men and women alike. Mostly, I've seen in my reflection a woman not as young as I thought I would be at the end of this. A job has not ended, a way of life has; one that required me to do my duty first and foremost.
As a college student before the service my GPA left me battling academic probation and expulsion constantly. I lacked discipline and the determination to see things through. Now, five years later, I'm on the Dean's list. I'm a major in Political Science and History with minors in Jewish Studies and Psychology. Friends say its ambitious, and maybe their right. My experiences in my five years of service cultivated in me a great passion to do the most with my life that I am capable of and the drive to attempt even beyond that. I have lost time after two deployments to Baghdad in 2003 and Mosul, Iraq in 2005. I have lost friends and comrades in the line of duty. I have lost parts of myself just as much as I have grown in other ways. In the end, I have lost enough and refuse to waste each day I'm fortunate to get. I might struggle to find my place back in the civilian world but every morning I get up with the will to continue, regardless of how hard some days seem to be.
My intent is to continue on with government service upon graduation. I might not choose to wear a uniform anymore but my commitment to make a difference is just as steadfast. I'm currently enrolled at SUNY Purchase College and receiving the GI Bill monthly yet unfortunately, with cost of tuition, books and commuting, it is not enough. In a years time I will graduate and I'm optimistic for the future. What I've accomplished has left me feeling confident that I can face any challenge or obstacle. The Army and those I served with pushed me to strive for excellence and it is something that has become engrained in me. I had chosen to serve for the financial benefits towards my education. I'm proud I served because it made me a stronger person who went where others would not.
