Tag Archives: Katie Dyer

Can You Assist?

I got a flat tire today. A blow out – causing the steering wheel to jerk violently in my hands and the car to veer to the left, into oncoming traffic. Somehow, I managed to pilot myself safely to the shoulder, and get out to assess the damage. I was on a busy rural highway and it was 75 degrees and sunny, which means people where driving way too fast, with their radios way too loud… barely turning their heads to glance at me as they whizzed past. The tire, of course, was ripped wide open. (No, I’m not sure how that happened. Yes, I am sure that it was in no way my fault.) That means my usual go-to fix… the can of Fix-A-Flat stored in my glove box, was not going to cut it.

Did I cry? Did I throw my hands up in the air in despair? Hell, no! I am an Army wife. And Army wives are resourceful.

So, the plan consisted of standing beside my blown-out tire with the can of Fix-A-Flat in my hand, looking altogether perplexed and damsel-in-distress-like.

Can you guess what happened next?

About 45 cars sped by with no sign of tapping their breaks to avoid hitting me, much less offering assistance.

To me, this could have been a metaphor for deployment. Here I am, obviously in the middle of a crisis, and everyone else is zipping by in their own lives, taking care of business. Oh sure, we all say that if we saw a motorist in need of assistance on the side of the road we would stop to help – but would we really? Would we risk being inconvenienced, or late for our own plans? (Did I mention that I was in my bathing suit, a T-shirt and flip flops? And still, I got…. Nothing.)

How many times have people offered to “be there” for our military families while their soldiers are deployed and then not offered when help is actually needed?

I have car trouble a lot.

When Paul was deployed, I ran out of gas in the middle of a busy intersection. (No, the reserve tank light was not on. Yes, I am still sure it was in no way my fault.) I was blocking traffic. It was pouring rain. I was wearing a suit and 3-inch heels. So there I am, standing in the rain beside my car – Army wife sticker and blue-star banner proudly displayed in the back window – wondering why the car has suddenly stopped moving.  Clearly, not a good day for me. And what do the good citizens around me do? They honk, and shout, and flip me the bird… like this is my plan all along, to pull right into their way and then stop my car. Really? It doesn’t even occur to you to ask if I need help?

This time, my resourceful Army wife plan consisted of sobbing uncontrollably, screaming ‘My husband is deployed, dammit!’ at drivers passing me and finally concluding that all civilians are jerks and hoofing it a ½ mile to the nearest gas station with my heels in my hand and my make-up running down my face.

The morale of the story? (Besides the obvious conclusion that I should not be trusted in a car alone.) First, if we assume that someone else will assist, we could be stranding a heck of a lot of damsels. And second, sometimes those who need help have a hard time asking for it… especially if you’re driving by too fast.

Read more from Katie Dyer at Heroes At Home

Remembering Bruno

Since I became part of a military family, Memorial Day – along with Veteran’s Day, and Armed Forces Day – has taken on a special meaning. I am privileged to know, through my husband’s service and my own work with Heroes At Home, many soldiers and their families and I have seen the sacrifices they make. Last Memorial Day, as my husband served in Afghanistan, I stood at a cemetery service and listened to the bugler play Taps for our fallen troops, wondering if Paul would someday be among them. He came home. But today, as I watched the parade and drove past the row of flags erected along Main Street in our small town, I though of his best friend from college, his Army buddy of more than 10 years, who served bravely with him in Afghanistan, but didn’t return.

Bruno DeSolenni

Bruno DeSolenni

Captain Bruno DeSolenni, a member of the Oregon Army National Guard, was killed when his convoy hit an IED last September. He was 32. Bruno and Paul went to college together and received their commissions in the same class. They worked together in the Guard for a decade, stationed in different cities, but connected thoroughly daily phone calls. When the mission to Afghanistan was offered, they made the decision to go together.

Paul wasn’t there when Bruno was killed. He was in Australia with me for R&R. When we got the news, Paul returned immediately to grieve with the rest of his team in Afghanistan and I went home to attend Bruno’s funeral.

I only met Bruno once, a couple of years ago. He and Paul passed through town on the way from one training to another and I met them for dinner. He was handsome, charming, and mischievous.

“Do you have any single friends with kids?” he asked.
“No, why?”
“That’s what I’m looking for,” he answered. “Instant family – just add Bruno!”

We spent no more than two hours together before the guys had to leave town. But I know Bruno better than that brief meeting could ever allow. I spent four days in California with his family after his death. I attended his rosary service and funeral and burial. I met his high school friends and his brothers, sister and parents. I spent time with his fiancée and the men who had served alongside him. I saw pictures and heard stories. I laughed, and cried, and prayed, and celebrated him.

And here’s what I know about Bruno: He was brave, and genuine and caring. He loved kids and hoped to have a big family. He was the peacemaker among those around him, always helping to heal rifts and bring people together again. He had tremendous faith, even in the most difficult situations. He prayed daily in Afghanistan and didn’t hesitate to share his beliefs with others. He was funny; always providing comic relief for his fellow soldiers. Women loved him, and he enjoyed the attention from ladies young and old alike. He was a good soldier. He was a good leader. While most of the Afghan army called their mentors Capt. Smith and Sgt. Jones, Bruno was just ‘Bruno.’ And the men he served with – both American and Afghan – adored him. Most importantly, what I know about Bruno is that he believed in the work he died doing.

Bruno Desolenni

Always making us laugh

As Memorial Day draws to a close, I hope you will take a moment to remember Bruno, and all the others who have given their lives for our freedom. I hope you will lift your thoughts to all of those who are still in harm’s way, and their families who wait at home, hoping that by next Memorial Day, they will all be together again. No one forced them to serve. They do it because they believe in freedom. They believe in us. Today – and everyday – I hope we can show them that we believe in them, too.

Read more from Katie Dyer at Heroes At Home

Without My Husband, I Still Need Good Hair

I did a magazine interview yesterday about what it’s like to be the wife of a deployed soldier.

“What’s the thing you miss you the most while your husband is gone?” The interviewer asked.
“Being told that I’m pretty,” I said.

What??!

“Don’t print that,” I added quickly. “I meant to say, I miss having someone tell me my hair looks nice.”

Crap!

As embarrassing as it is to admit, it’s true. When your husband is gone for a year, it’s the little, intimate, romantic things that you miss the most. Things you never really noticed until they were gone. I’m not talking about sex. You will notice that the sex is missing. But you won’t wake up three months into the deployment thinking ‘no one has said they like my outfit in a really long time.’ You will just feel less sexy, less attractive, less confident, and you will wonder why. Maybe you get your haircut differently. But you come home to an empty house and no one is there to notice, so the thrill of ‘the new, fresh-from-the-salon you’ is gone. Maybe you buy a new dress, but there is no one to take you out to dinner in it.

In those tiny, everyday moments, I feel the loneliest. At the office, I have work to keep me occupied. I can take girlfriends to plays or gallery openings and have more fun than if I had dragged Paul along. Even on holidays, extended family keeps me busy and we usually get a special phone call from overseas. But on random Tuesday nights when I am watching the Dancing With The Stars results show and there is no one there to rub my feet or listen to me complain that Giles’ scores should have been higher… those are the moments when I hate the deployment.

Supporting our troops is critical. But supporting the families of deployed military personnel is important, too, and it’s easy. You don’t have to babysit their kids or mow their lawns for them. (Although, I don’t know many military spouses who would turn down those offers of help!) Instead, just treat them with kindness. Remember that they are doing it all alone right now, and that gentle support and love that we get from our spouses is missing from their lives.

Give hugs. Never under-estimate the power of physical touch. When Paul is deployed and I’m sleeping alone every night, it’s hard to get used to not having that contact. No one hugs you or kisses you or holds your hand. I know I can’t ask my girlfriends to make up for the kissing or hand-holding, but a heartfelt hug and a ‘how you doing?’ can mean the world to me on a stressful day.

Complement me. Everyone likes to know their outfit is pretty or their hair looks good. Usually, we count on our spouses for that validation – but sometimes it can mean even more coming from girlfriends (my husband has no idea whether my shoes are cute or not!) Or better yet, when is the last time you sincerely complemented a neighbor or co-worker? It doesn’t have to be physical. How about throwing a little praise my way because my yard looks great, or because I’m holding on to my poise even though you know it must be hard being without my soldier.

Include me. Just because my other half is missing, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hang out with you and your significant other. People are so afraid of drawing attention to my married-but-single status and making me uncomfortable as the ‘third wheel,’ they don’t invite me to do anything at all. Maybe a table for 3 would be awkward at our favorite restaurant, but I would still love to come to your house for a BBQ. Please, make the call.

Talk about my soldier. He’s in a foreign country, but he still exists. I assure you; not mentioning him does NOT make me miss him any less. Even if we’re not talking about him, I’m still thinking about him; wondering if he’s safe; obsessively checking my cell phone for his call. It would make me feel good to know that you’re thinking about him, too. Just keep it brief and upbeat.

Say ‘Thank You.’ It really doesn’t take any more than that. Just two words. Remind me that you know that I am serving our country, too; that I am also making sacrifices. And that you appreciate it. It may not make me feel pretty, but it will always make the burden of deployment a little easier to bear.

Read more from Katie Dyer at Heroes At Home

Feeling Less-Useful Post-Deployment

I met with a life coach today. Even though (or especially because) I am a certified life coach, I think it’s a good idea to routinely check in with someone outside your own head about how you’re doing. Someone to ask you about your goals and dreams, and hold you accountable for them. So I did. And that hour of help looking at the big picture of my life was more valuable that the countless hours of soul-searching I’ve been bogged down in over the past week.

Draw a circle.
Now draw lines through the circle, dividing it into six equal sections – like a pizza.
Label each of the sections with these titles: Professional, Financial, Wellness, Spiritual, Emotional and Relationships.
Take a few minutes to think about how happy you are in each of these areas of your life.
Now assign each slice a number: 1 is ‘really unhappy,’ 10 is ‘everything’s perfect

Here’s what mine looks like:
Professional: 4
Financial: 1
Wellness:9
Spiritual: 9
Emotional: 8
Relationships: 9

Now, color in each pizza slice as indicated by the number you picked. For example, I’ll fill in the spiritual slice 9/10 of the way from the center. Try to consider the shaded area as a second circle inside the original one. If it were a wheel, could it roll? Mine would be a pretty bumpy ride.

Looking at the drawing, I realized that although my emotional and spiritual life, my health & wellness and my relationships are all happy and fulfilling, my professional and financial life leave much to be desired. A common dilemma for a military wife. Especially one coming out of a deployment.

When Paul deployed, I quit my job as a TV anchor in order to run our farm while he was gone. Although I started Heroes At Home during the year he was gone, my life was very much about supporting him and holding down the homefront in his absence. I went from a steady paycheck to being the much less significant income in our two-income family. We didn’t miss the money because his salary jumped with the addition of separation and hazardous duty pay. We could afford for me to focus on my spiritual and emotional well-being, my relationships, my health. And, of course, all the home maintenance, laundry, dog care, finances, cooking, cleaning, letter-writing, package-mailing, power-of-attorney wielding, vehicle upkeep, holiday celebration… and all the other trappings of a two-person life that fell squarely on my shoulders. It was a blessing to have that flexibility during a very difficult year. I am very proud of being a military wife – doing my part to serve our country by lending Uncle Sam my husband and hanging in there while he’s gone.

Here’s the problem. He’s home now. And I want my life back.
I spent a lot of time with my girlfriends during the deployment. I ate well, lifted weights attended pilates regularly. I managed my stress and anxiety by finding activities that fulfilled me and relying on my faith to get me through. I have 8s and 9s in all those pizza slices of my life.

But I went from a pre-deployment 9 in the professional slice (10 seems a little pompous… but suffice it to say I had nothing to complain about on the career front) to a post-deployment 4. I love my work with military families – it is rewarding and meaningful, but I constantly wish I could reach more people. I haven’t been able to focus on growing the business over the past year, because – as any spouse who has survived a combat deployment can tell you – it’s hard to focus on anything other than getting through the days and trying to not think about what will happen if your soldier doesn’t come home. And the post-deployment 1 in the financial slice? I guess I didn’t realize how important it was to me to be an equal financial contributor in our partnership.

So… I’ve got some work to do. I’m going to focus on growing the business, and hope that the money will follow. But I’m also going to spend some time realizing that I still make some pretty valuable contributions around here (anyone for clean BDUs or homemade veggie lasagna?) Just because the deployment is over, doesn’t mean my service doesn’t matter anymore, or that my sense of purpose should disappear. As I struggle to re-define my role in the family for the second time in the past year, I will try to remember that it was my strength and support that got us both through it.
And, really, you can’t put a price on that.

Read more from Katie Dyer at Heroes At Home

Urban Camo Makes my Milspouse Skin Crawl!

camo-pants

 I spent the weekend at a winery with my girlfriends. The sun was shining, we had a table on the patio, and I was on my third glass of pinot gris when I came face to face with my biggest pet peeve as an army wife: urban camo. You know what I’m talking about… civilian clothes that come in “cute” camouflage patterns. Sometimes you’ll see them in pink or blue…. mostly in dog collars and infant clothes…. I can get over that. My dogs all wear military “dog tags” after all. But what I can’t seem to accept is full-on, olive green, why-would-you-wear-it-if-you’re-not-in-uniform camo. Women in their 20s and 30s are the biggest offenders. Usually it’s Capri pants with cargo pockets and little drawstrings at the ankles. Or too-tight, ribbed GI Jane-style tank tops. Civilian men are not immune to the camo craze – but they prefer “authentic” surplus-store-style duds…. the knee length shorts made out of an old pair of BDUs, and my absolute favorite: the digital camo backpack/ruck sack. I’m sure they are very useful on missions…. but in the frozen foods aisle at Safeway? Not so much.

“Urban Commando!” Paul shouts whenever we’re out and see someone in their camo gear.
“Where?” I ask. “I don’t see anyone.”
He nods knowingly.
“That’s because they’re camouflaged.”
It never ceases to be funny, even though in the small town where we live, there is usually an entire urban battalion down at the Dari-Mart on any given day.

Camo is not a very flattering look on most people, but when I see someone out in their olive green duds, I feel like calling the MPs more than the Fashion Police. Camouflage, to me, signals military. It’s what my husband wears to work. I’m just not sure how it became so popular in civilian attire. Could you imagine the uniform trend catching on? People would be out at bars on Friday nights in their medical scrubs…. Or maybe just the scrub pants, paired with a cute lace camisole or babydoll T? I don’t think so. Will Nordstrom soon carry navy polyester button-ups with faux police badges on the chest? Or evening-wear versions of the bright orange, mesh construction worker vest?

I blame the camo craze on the fascination civilians have with all things military. Witness: boot camp workouts, combat boots and Hummers. Trust me, as someone living the life – it ain’t all that magical.

In the interest of full disclosure: I do have a pair of camo patterned converse tennis shoes. But they were a gift. And really, they do go with everything.

Read more from Katie Dyer at Heroes At Homecamo-sneakers

Missing my Battle Buddy

I’m mourning the loss of my Battle Buddy. She’s not really gone, but our husbands are home safely from Afghanistan, and the “battle” that bonded us is over. We still talk every couple of weeks, but gone are the twice-daily phone calls that got us through the long weeks of last year’s deployment. Gone is the shared set of emotions – anger, fear, loneliness, depression, pride, love – that we weathered together.
And I miss her.

Katie & KellyKelly and I spent twelve months of our lives in identical situations, as our husbands were paired up overseas to mentor the Afghan National Army. We met during the pre-deployment briefings a few days before our soldiers left. We experienced every stage of our first deployment together. Though we live three hours apart, we managed several dinners at a halfway point on the highway. She took me to the spa for my birthday weekend. We made the 5-hour rode trip together to attend the funeral of one of our husbands’ fallen comrades, sobbing our way through the service with my head on her shoulder and her hands clasped tightly around mine. We were each other’s source of strength and understanding. There were daily emails, 3-hour phone calls, and countless messages passed between the two of us and our husbands, when one of the guys was able to call before the other. The four of us were linked in a way that is hard to explain. My husband, Paul, wrote Kelly’s number in sharpie inside his uniform so that if anything happened to her husband, she would hear it first from his best friend. Kelly’s husband, Mark, took Paul’s goodbye letter to me, keeping it safe in case it was ever needed.

Paul and I were on R&R in Australia when we learned of the death of a soldier in his unit. We called Kelly in the middle of the night. I needed her.
“How’s Mark?” I asked.
“He needs Paul,” she answered.
Paul needed Mark, too, so he returned to Afghanistan on the next flight.
Paul needed Mark more than he needed me.
And I needed Kelly.

The deployment took my husband away for a year, but it didn’t take my need for a best friend, a confidante, someone to lean on. Kelly became that person. And now that our soldiers are home, it seems like we should release our death-grip on each other, and bond with our husbands again.
But my husband didn’t know me during this deployment the way Kelly did. And Mark and Paul don’t understand the bond Kelly and I share anymore than we can comprehend the new ‘brotherhood’ they claim.

And to be honest, as we both try to navigate marriages in which both partners have changed so much, I’m not sure Kelly and I have ever needed each other more. So why does our closeness seem like a betrayal now when it was essential to our survival just a few months ago?

When the guys came home from the war, Kelly and I rode to the airport together. The four of us headed for the bar and spent the night immersed in karaoke and pitchers of Bud Light. We laughed and told stories of our time apart. Kelly met Paul and I met Mark face to face for the first time. And I had visions of shared vacations and lifetimes of barbeques in each other’s backyards. But in the first glorious days of homecoming, no one tells you how difficult the next few months will be. No one tells you that the man you married will seem like a stranger, and the world he shares with fellow soldiers will always seem foreign and just out of reach. All the prayers and wishes you sent into the universe during the deployment have been granted – he’s home safely and you’re supposed to have everything you’ve ever wanted. He’s your best friend again, and the one person who might be able to understand why you still feel so lonely won’t be able to pick up the phone on a Sunday afternoon – because now her husband is home, too.

Read more from Katie Dyer at Heroes At Home

Sacrifice of Military personnel is Greater Than We Could Ever Know

The phone woke me up, but I never minded losing sleep for the chance to talk to Paul. He was deep into what he referred to as “the mission” in Afghanistan and was rarely able to call. Usually it was just a quick ‘I love you. I miss you’ conversation. But this time he sounded flustered, restless. Then he said the words that made me sit straight up in bed. The words that we have never spoken about since that night, but will forever be the defining point of the deployment for me.

“Babe,” he said. “I’m afraid if you know the truth about what I’ve had to do here, you won’t love me anymore.”

There was silence on my end of the phone. Was I ready for the truth? Could I handle the truth?

“I will always love you,” I told him, knowing we both hoped desperately that it was true.

I still don’t know what happened in Afghanistan to force him to make that call. But that moment clearly defines two things I learned during the deployment. First, that those of us who have never been in combat cannot begin to fathom the sacrifices we are asking from our men and women in uniform. It’s not just the hardship of being away from their families that we put them through – missing birthdays, holidays and anniversaries; living in the desert without the comforts of home; feeling lonely, isolated. We also ask them to kill when necessary, and carry the burden of that moment with them for the rest of their lives; the questions and doubts that surround that one instant when they were forced to make a very difficult decision. Then we ask them to return to their lives at home and act as if they are the same man or woman who they were before they left. A sometimes impossible task.

Second, that moment reminds me that even though Paul and I may someday talk about what happened in Afghanistan, the version of it that I will come to know will be a much-sanitized, easier to live with ‘truth’ than the one he experienced. I will never see the faces of the enemy shooting at me; never smell the sweat and fear and death that clouds the battlefield; never have to live with the fact that it was my finger on the trigger. Why? Because he did it for me. Because our military personnel volunteered for those missions so that most of us will never have to carry the guilt and stress and heartache of a combat tour. And because they continue to volunteer, we will always be given the option not to volunteer.

So today, on Armed Forces Day, Thank You to all of you that wear, or have worn, the uniform. Your sacrifice is truly staggering.

Read more from Katie Dyer at Heroes At Home

Can You Learn to be Too Independent?

Yesterday, I had my wisdom teeth out. I woke up and took myself to the appointment. Then I brought myself home, stopping by Burger King for a milkshake and the video store for a chick flick on the way. I spent the day on the couch, doling out my own vicodin and gatorade. But I didn’t feel lonely – I felt strong, independent, and capable. And even with my eyes half-swollen shut; I could see that these feelings were a direct result of the deployment.

My husband returned from Afghanistan three months ago. As an Army National Guard wife in the middle of a deployment, I spent a year learning that being alone was valiant; doing things for yourself meant you were a survivor; needing no one demonstrated your service to our country. And it hasn’t worn off yet. I developed a new sense of self during that deployment year – a sense that I really was capable of anything. I could take care of our 15 acre farm, our 100 year old farmhouse, our 6 dogs – and I could do it all without knowing on a daily basis where Paul was or when I would hear from him.

Those days I spent staring out the kitchen window, wondering if the sedan would pull up carrying the soldiers that would tell me my husband wasn’t coming home – those were battles just as hard-fought at home as the ones Paul waged in the deserts of Afghanistan. National Guard troops are spread out – there are no spouse clubs or weekly coffee dates, no bases with row houses filled with neighbors in the same unit. In the National Guard, there is you, and your soldier, and a world full of civilians who sometimes don’t understand. During a deployment, it’s just you and the civilians. The sense of purpose I felt last year at being part of the mission, supporting a soldier that I loved while he carried out work I believed in, isn’t easy to just put on a shelf now that he’s home… to be taken down and dusted off the next time orders come. It’s not something I can let go of that easily.

But when I woke up this morning and my mouth hurt and there was no one to complain too, I wondered if it’s possible to be too independent. Is it dangerous not to trust anyone but yourself? Even soldiers on the battlefield rely on each other to keep them safe. Still now, in the uncomfortable transitional period of post-deployment, Paul is more at ease sharing his feelings with his buddies from the front lines than with me. But last year, I fought most of my toughest battles alone. And when you become the person who always has it all together; when you don’t need to lean on anyone, and would rather die than ask for help… well, sooner or later, you will be staring at the paperwork in your dentist’s office and not know whose number to put down in the ‘call in case of an emergency’ slot.

Perhaps my civilian girlfriends will read this and say “why didn’t you call us?!” And the answer is simple: because I didn’t need to. But the truth is I would have liked the company. Getting loopy on vicodin is only really fun if you have a buddy there to remember all the crazy things you say, and re-tell them over drinks at next week’s girls’ night.

Military wives are the strongest, most capable, resilient women I know. We have to be. But let us not forget that whether the battlefield is the homefront, the doctor’s office, your workplace or anywhere else you wage war on a daily basis… deep down, it’s OK to still be the girl who needs someone there – if only to grab a fresh bag of frozen peas out of the freezer, because she knows how important it is to get the swelling down before it ruins your plans for the weekend.

Read more from Katie Dyer at Heroes At Home

You Served Welcomes Katie Dyer, Heroes at Home blogger

You Served is pleased to welcome Katie Dyer, founder of the Heroes at Home blog. Mrs. Dyer is the first guest in our new series – “On Loan at You Served” as we introduce and promote those in the milblogging family.

Mrs. Dyer said she felt “like she had been punched in the stomach” when her husband, Army Capt. Paul Dyer left for Afghanistan in Dec. 2007. As she worked through her emotions, the certified life coach decided she didn’t want anyone else to feel like that when faced with a spouse leaving for combat, so she started the Heroes at Home blog in early 2008.

“I want to reach out and help as many people as I can,” Dyer said.

Don’t miss Mrs. Dyer on the You Served podcast May 21st.