Eight Ways to Save at Restaurants

June 12, 2009 By Kate Kashman
Posted in Guest Blogger

As much as I try to limit our restaurant eating, there are three events that seem to increase the number of times we eat out:  birthdays, traveling, and moving.  With four kids and two adults, eating in restaurants gets expensive pretty quickly.  There are a couple of strategies that we use to make sure that our final bill doesn’t exceed our budget.  Check them out: 

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Don’t Buy New

June 10, 2009 By Kate Kashman
Posted in Guest Blogger

Buying things is an inevitable part of life.  I mean, I’ve heard of people who scrounge everything from street corners and dumpsters, but most of us don’t have the time or inclination for that sort of lifestyle.  Therefore, we buy things.  There are, however, quite a few things that you don’t need to buy brand new.  Buying used is economical and it’s also environmentally friendly.  What are the best bets for buying second-hand?

1. Books, CDs, DVDs, and Video Games:  Used media is a huge business, which makes it easy to track down the stuff that you want at a discount price.  If you want to read the latest bestseller, see if your library has it.  For things that you want to own, check out the amazing number of online sources that sell used items.   Amazon.com, eBay, and half.com (owned by eBay)  all offer great deals on used media.  Just tonight, I went online to order some classic books for my kids on Half.com, and I spent less than four dollars per book, including shipping and handling.  Most of the books were priced at 75 cents each, and because I was able to get them all from the same seller, shipping and handling was only $1.89 per book.
2. Baby Gear and Kids Toys:  Let’s face it, baby stuff and toys are a huge expenses, especially considering the short amount of time that most of it is used.  Check out yard sales and consignment shops for great deals on all the stuff you’ll need for babies, and most toys until they are about 5.  I did purchase new car seats for my children, for safety reasons, and a new stroller because they tend to get awfully icky.  The crib and all the other gear was obtained from yard sales.  Be sure to check the recall list on any baby gear you buy.
3. Clothing:  Obviously, there are some things that you certainly want to purchase new, but consignment shops and thrift stores can be a fantastic way to fill out your wardrobe without emptying out your wallet.  Most towns and military bases have a thrift shop and consignment shops are a big business across the US.  Women’s and children’s clothes tend to be easier to find than men’s clothes.  Keep your eyes open for discount days and markdown schedules.  At my husband’s last duty station, the thrift shop had a dollar day where all clothing was one dollar per item.  I happened to find a huge stash of cute summer dresses in my size and I doubled my wardrobe.  The best part is that you’re not out a lot of money if the clothes don’t work out for you.  How often have you bought something only to discover that you don’t like it quite so much once you get it home?  At thrift store prices, it isn’t such a catastrophe if you make a bad choice.  Things that are particularly great to buy used includes winter coats, snow clothes, and dressy dresses.  I’m not a big fan of buying used shoes, but I will pick up a like-new pair if the size and price is right.
4. Cars:  New cars have that lovely new car smell, but that is a very expensive smell.  The average car loses at least ten percent of it’s value as soon as it is purchased, and the depreciation the first few years is quite steep.  Whether you choose a year-old model at a 20% discount, or an older car for a few thousand dollars, you’ll save quite a bundle on the up-front costs and your insurance rates will be lower, as well.  Check the CarFax report and have a used car inspected by a trusted mechanic, or consider purchasing a used car certified by the manufacturer.
5. Exercise and Sports Equipment:  Sporting gear can be expensive, and a remarkable amount of it is rarely used.  There are tons of places to find sports gear:  yard sales, Craig’s List, freecycle, thrift stores or a Play It Again Sports store.  Obviously, you want to avoid buying used footwear and anything else that has molded itself to the player’s body. 

I’m sure that many of you have things that you wouldn’t buy new.  Share in the comments and help us all save a little money!

For more ideas on stretching your paycheck, visit The Paycheck Chronicles.

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The Freezer Menu

June 1, 2009 By Kate Kashman
Posted in Guest Blogger, Spouse and Family, Uncategorized

Hi, readers!  I’m so excited to be guest blogging here at You Served.  Of course, this fun opportunity would come at the busiest time of my year:  the end of school.  In many ways, that makes this article even more appropriate, because this is exactly the time of year when I find myself pulling something out of the freezer instead of pulling through the drive-thru window.  If you enjoy, click on over to The Paycheck Chronicles  for more!

Let me guess…at least one night in the last month, you have ordered pizza, driven through a fast food place or picked up take out when you hadn’t planned to, right?  That is pretty common.  Life is moving fast and sometimes the thought of preparing dinner is just overwhelming.  Eating out or ordering in is expensive and not very healthy.  What’s a solution?

Here’s what I do…I have what I call our “freezer menu.”  It is a list of five or so days of meals that are quick and easy to make, and will last a long time in the cupboard or freezer.  I’m the first to admit that they aren’t the most healthy or glamorous meals, but they are better than nearly everything from a restaurant and the price is right.  What kind of things might you put on a freezer menu?  Here’s a sample of what we might have on hand: 

• Frozen chicken patties and frozen french fries with frozen edamame
• Boxed scalloped potatoes, frozen green beans and a ham slice.
• Macaroni and cheese and fish sticks with a veg
• Spaghetti with jarred sauce and turkey meatballs.  Add frozen bread if you want to be snazzy.
• Kielbasa or Smoked Sausage with boxed rice:  spanish, saffron, whatever you like - Yum

I’m pretty sure that you all have some variety of freezer menus in your minds, or maybe even in your freezers.  Please share your ideas!  For those of you who haven’t tried this trick, give it a try.  If it is too much to buy a week’s worth of meals at once, just add one meal a week.  The first time you manage to avoid Dominos or Burger King, it will pay for itself.  Your wallet and your waistband will thank you!

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Can You Assist?

May 26, 2009 By myheroesathome
Posted in Guest Blogger, Life in the Military, Spouse and Family

I got a flat tire today. A blow out – causing the steering wheel to jerk violently in my hands and the car to veer to the left, into oncoming traffic. Somehow, I managed to pilot myself safely to the shoulder, and get out to assess the damage. I was on a busy rural highway and it was 75 degrees and sunny, which means people where driving way too fast, with their radios way too loud… barely turning their heads to glance at me as they whizzed past. The tire, of course, was ripped wide open. (No, I’m not sure how that happened. Yes, I am sure that it was in no way my fault.) That means my usual go-to fix… the can of Fix-A-Flat stored in my glove box, was not going to cut it.

Did I cry? Did I throw my hands up in the air in despair? Hell, no! I am an Army wife. And Army wives are resourceful.

So, the plan consisted of standing beside my blown-out tire with the can of Fix-A-Flat in my hand, looking altogether perplexed and damsel-in-distress-like.

Can you guess what happened next?

About 45 cars sped by with no sign of tapping their breaks to avoid hitting me, much less offering assistance.

To me, this could have been a metaphor for deployment. Here I am, obviously in the middle of a crisis, and everyone else is zipping by in their own lives, taking care of business. Oh sure, we all say that if we saw a motorist in need of assistance on the side of the road we would stop to help – but would we really? Would we risk being inconvenienced, or late for our own plans? (Did I mention that I was in my bathing suit, a T-shirt and flip flops? And still, I got…. Nothing.)

How many times have people offered to “be there” for our military families while their soldiers are deployed and then not offered when help is actually needed?

I have car trouble a lot.

When Paul was deployed, I ran out of gas in the middle of a busy intersection. (No, the reserve tank light was not on. Yes, I am still sure it was in no way my fault.) I was blocking traffic. It was pouring rain. I was wearing a suit and 3-inch heels. So there I am, standing in the rain beside my car – Army wife sticker and blue-star banner proudly displayed in the back window – wondering why the car has suddenly stopped moving.  Clearly, not a good day for me. And what do the good citizens around me do? They honk, and shout, and flip me the bird… like this is my plan all along, to pull right into their way and then stop my car. Really? It doesn’t even occur to you to ask if I need help?

This time, my resourceful Army wife plan consisted of sobbing uncontrollably, screaming ‘My husband is deployed, dammit!’ at drivers passing me and finally concluding that all civilians are jerks and hoofing it a ½ mile to the nearest gas station with my heels in my hand and my make-up running down my face.

The morale of the story? (Besides the obvious conclusion that I should not be trusted in a car alone.) First, if we assume that someone else will assist, we could be stranding a heck of a lot of damsels. And second, sometimes those who need help have a hard time asking for it… especially if you’re driving by too fast.

Read more from Katie Dyer at Heroes At Home

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Remembering Bruno

By myheroesathome
Posted in Guest Blogger, Life in the Military, Patriotism, Spouse and Family, Why We Serve

Since I became part of a military family, Memorial Day – along with Veteran’s Day, and Armed Forces Day – has taken on a special meaning. I am privileged to know, through my husband’s service and my own work with Heroes At Home, many soldiers and their families and I have seen the sacrifices they make. Last Memorial Day, as my husband served in Afghanistan, I stood at a cemetery service and listened to the bugler play Taps for our fallen troops, wondering if Paul would someday be among them. He came home. But today, as I watched the parade and drove past the row of flags erected along Main Street in our small town, I though of his best friend from college, his Army buddy of more than 10 years, who served bravely with him in Afghanistan, but didn’t return.

Bruno DeSolenni

Captain Bruno DeSolenni, a member of the Oregon Army National Guard, was killed when his convoy hit an IED last September. He was 32. Bruno and Paul went to college together and received their commissions in the same class. They worked together in the Guard for a decade, stationed in different cities, but connected thoroughly daily phone calls. When the mission to Afghanistan was offered, they made the decision to go together.

Paul wasn’t there when Bruno was killed. He was in Australia with me for R&R. When we got the news, Paul returned immediately to grieve with the rest of his team in Afghanistan and I went home to attend Bruno’s funeral.

I only met Bruno once, a couple of years ago. He and Paul passed through town on the way from one training to another and I met them for dinner. He was handsome, charming, and mischievous.

“Do you have any single friends with kids?” he asked.
“No, why?”
“That’s what I’m looking for,” he answered. “Instant family – just add Bruno!”

We spent no more than two hours together before the guys had to leave town. But I know Bruno better than that brief meeting could ever allow. I spent four days in California with his family after his death. I attended his rosary service and funeral and burial. I met his high school friends and his brothers, sister and parents. I spent time with his fiancée and the men who had served alongside him. I saw pictures and heard stories. I laughed, and cried, and prayed, and celebrated him.

And here’s what I know about Bruno: He was brave, and genuine and caring. He loved kids and hoped to have a big family. He was the peacemaker among those around him, always helping to heal rifts and bring people together again. He had tremendous faith, even in the most difficult situations. He prayed daily in Afghanistan and didn’t hesitate to share his beliefs with others. He was funny; always providing comic relief for his fellow soldiers. Women loved him, and he enjoyed the attention from ladies young and old alike. He was a good soldier. He was a good leader. While most of the Afghan army called their mentors Capt. Smith and Sgt. Jones, Bruno was just ‘Bruno.’ And the men he served with – both American and Afghan - adored him. Most importantly, what I know about Bruno is that he believed in the work he died doing.

Always making us laugh

As Memorial Day draws to a close, I hope you will take a moment to remember Bruno, and all the others who have given their lives for our freedom. I hope you will lift your thoughts to all of those who are still in harm’s way, and their families who wait at home, hoping that by next Memorial Day, they will all be together again. No one forced them to serve. They do it because they believe in freedom. They believe in us. Today – and everyday – I hope we can show them that we believe in them, too.

Read more from Katie Dyer at Heroes At Home

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Without My Husband, I Still Need Good Hair

May 21, 2009 By myheroesathome
Posted in Guest Blogger, Life in the Military, Patriotism, Spouse and Family

I did a magazine interview yesterday about what it’s like to be the wife of a deployed soldier.

“What’s the thing you miss you the most while your husband is gone?” The interviewer asked.
“Being told that I’m pretty,” I said.

What??!

“Don’t print that,” I added quickly. “I meant to say, I miss having someone tell me my hair looks nice.”

Crap!

As embarrassing as it is to admit, it’s true. When your husband is gone for a year, it’s the little, intimate, romantic things that you miss the most. Things you never really noticed until they were gone. I’m not talking about sex. You will notice that the sex is missing. But you won’t wake up three months into the deployment thinking ‘no one has said they like my outfit in a really long time.’ You will just feel less sexy, less attractive, less confident, and you will wonder why. Maybe you get your haircut differently. But you come home to an empty house and no one is there to notice, so the thrill of ‘the new, fresh-from-the-salon you’ is gone. Maybe you buy a new dress, but there is no one to take you out to dinner in it.

In those tiny, everyday moments, I feel the loneliest. At the office, I have work to keep me occupied. I can take girlfriends to plays or gallery openings and have more fun than if I had dragged Paul along. Even on holidays, extended family keeps me busy and we usually get a special phone call from overseas. But on random Tuesday nights when I am watching the Dancing With The Stars results show and there is no one there to rub my feet or listen to me complain that Giles’ scores should have been higher… those are the moments when I hate the deployment.

Supporting our troops is critical. But supporting the families of deployed military personnel is important, too, and it’s easy. You don’t have to babysit their kids or mow their lawns for them. (Although, I don’t know many military spouses who would turn down those offers of help!) Instead, just treat them with kindness. Remember that they are doing it all alone right now, and that gentle support and love that we get from our spouses is missing from their lives.

Give hugs. Never under-estimate the power of physical touch. When Paul is deployed and I’m sleeping alone every night, it’s hard to get used to not having that contact. No one hugs you or kisses you or holds your hand. I know I can’t ask my girlfriends to make up for the kissing or hand-holding, but a heartfelt hug and a ‘how you doing?’ can mean the world to me on a stressful day.

Complement me. Everyone likes to know their outfit is pretty or their hair looks good. Usually, we count on our spouses for that validation – but sometimes it can mean even more coming from girlfriends (my husband has no idea whether my shoes are cute or not!) Or better yet, when is the last time you sincerely complemented a neighbor or co-worker? It doesn’t have to be physical. How about throwing a little praise my way because my yard looks great, or because I’m holding on to my poise even though you know it must be hard being without my soldier.

Include me. Just because my other half is missing, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hang out with you and your significant other. People are so afraid of drawing attention to my married-but-single status and making me uncomfortable as the ‘third wheel,’ they don’t invite me to do anything at all. Maybe a table for 3 would be awkward at our favorite restaurant, but I would still love to come to your house for a BBQ. Please, make the call.

Talk about my soldier. He’s in a foreign country, but he still exists. I assure you; not mentioning him does NOT make me miss him any less. Even if we’re not talking about him, I’m still thinking about him; wondering if he’s safe; obsessively checking my cell phone for his call. It would make me feel good to know that you’re thinking about him, too. Just keep it brief and upbeat.

Say ‘Thank You.’ It really doesn’t take any more than that. Just two words. Remind me that you know that I am serving our country, too; that I am also making sacrifices. And that you appreciate it. It may not make me feel pretty, but it will always make the burden of deployment a little easier to bear.

Read more from Katie Dyer at Heroes At Home

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POST DEPLOYMENT/MOBILIZATION RESPITE ABSENCE (PDMRA)

By CJ
Posted in Guest Blogger, Military News, News, Spouse and Family, Top Posts, Veteran Benefits

On August 7, 2007, the Army released a message informing Soldiers about the new Post Deployment/Mobilization Respite Absence, or PDMRA. PDMRA is a new category of leave similar to administrative leave in the civilian sector. It is a DOD program intended to compensate Soldiers with days of non-chargeable leave when required to mobilize or deploy with a frequency beyond established rotation policy goals. The program only applies to deployments and mobilizations underway on, or commencing after, 19 Jan 07. I want to take a few minutes and try to explain this very confusing policy.

First and foremost, Soldiers should recognize that there are no tax benefits like combat zone exclusions for taking this leave. This program does not replace or circumvent traditional leave accrual. Soldiers will earn both their standard 2.5 days per month as well as PDMRA, if qualified. I’ll break this up into Active and Reserve (National Guard) forces.

After 12 months deployment, eligible Soldiers earn ONE day of administrative absence. Those Soldiers with 18 months deployed begin to earn TWO days and those with 24 months will earn FOUR days. The deployments must occur within a 36 month period. Here’s how it works:

If you deployed for a 15 month tour AFTER the date above, you earn one day of PDMRA PER MONTH after the 12th month. Months 13, 14, and 15 each get one day for a total of three. If you deploy for 21 months, you earn two days of PDMRA PER MONTH after your 18th for a total of six days. Each month past 24 months earns four days per month. Now, this must occur within a 36 month window. If you deployed for 15 months and then didn’t deploy again for three years, your count begins back at zero for PDMRA. The only difference for the Reserve forces is that they have more time to accrue deployments. For those Soldiers, it is a 72 month window.

The deployments that are creditable under this program are to Afghanistan, Iraq or certain theater units and other areas as determined by the Secretary of the Army. For Reserve component Soldiers, creditable mobilizations are defined as mobilizations under Title 10 only and only include INVOLUNTARY mobilizations unless the duty is in conjunction with “deployment to Iraq or Afghanistan.” It gets a bit confusing for Reserve components, but here is the actual policy:

…for the Reserve component Soldiers, creditable mobilizations are defined as mobilizations under Title 10, United States Code, sections 12301a, 12302, or 12304. These are involuntary mobilizations. Voluntary mobilizations under 12301(d) /CO-ADOS, Retiree Recall) do not qualify for PDMRA, unless the 12301(d) mobilization/duty is in conjunction with ―deployment to Iraq or Afghanistan.‖ To qualify for PDMRA under a 12301(d) period of duty the Soldier must have documentation showing their Iraq/Afghanistan duty under Combat Zone Tax Exclusion (CZTE) on their LES showing the payment of Hostile Fire/Imminent Danger pay to verify the period of Boots on Ground (BOG) in Iraq or Afghanistan. More than 50% of the entire 12301(d) mobilization ―time‖ must occur BOG in Iraq or Afghanistan for a 12301(d) to qualify for any PDMRA. For example, one month of CZTE can be authorized/earned for one day in theater. Technically, a 12301(d) Soldier traveling to Iraq or Afghanistan one day per month for 6 months would earn 6 months CZTE and have an LES that indicates 6 months CZTE. However, that does not qualify the 12301(d) Soldier for any PDMRA since 50% of the mobilization ―time‖ was not preformed in theater.

For active component Soldiers, creditable deployment time commences on January 19, 2004, or the date that is 36 months prior to the Soldier‘s initial deployment, whichever date is most recent, and includes the day of the Soldier‘s arrival in theater through the date of departure from theater. For example: If the Soldier deployed October 10, 2007, creditable deployment time for the Soldier would include previous deployments back 36 months to October 10, 2004. A deployment on December 21, 2013, looks back 36 months for previous creditable deployment… December 21, 2010 in order to calculate the number of days of PDMRA earned. Make sense? It does to me, but if you’re CORNfused, that’s what the comments section is for. Ask away! The following image should explain it a little better. The red blocks account for deployment time. For qualified deployments, a number appears indicating how many days of PDMRA you have earned for that deployment.

PDMRA Example

Now for the REALLY confusing part - the Reserves and National Guard. For Reserve component Soldiers, creditable mobilization time commences on October 7, 2001, or the date that is 72 months prior to the Soldier‘s mobilization, whichever date is most recent, and includes the day the Soldier is initially mobilized through the date the mobilization is terminated; includes the effective date of the Soldier‘s mobilization orders through the date of the expiration of the mobilization order, to include periods of R&R and temporary duty (TDY) outside Iraq and Afghanistan for TDY periods of 30 days or less. For example: A deployment on December 21, 2013, looks back 72 months for previous creditable deployment(s)…December 21, 2007 in order to calculate the number of days of PDMRA earned. PDMRA accrual for RC Soldiers includes all qualifying mobilizations, not just to Iraq or Afghanistan. Only mobilizations under 12301(a), 12302, or 12304 qualify to accrue PDMRA. A 12301(d) period of duty also qualifies when it is documented that the 12301(d) period was in conjunction with a deployment in support of Contingency Operations in Iraq or Afghanistan; deployment time for this purpose includes the day of the Soldier‘s arrival on Title 10 at MOB station through his REFRAD date. PDMRA days do not continue to accrue while Soldier is on transition leave and/or extension of mobilization orders for the purpose of PDMRA usage. Here’s the reserve graphic explanation:

I think these images make a bit more sense than trying to explain it all. I could have saved a lot of energy just posting these at the beginning.

Now the question on probably every Soldiers’ mind is “how do I use it?” PDMRA can be used during any R&R leave period or in lieu of using chargeable annual leave at home station. However, you can’t add the PDMRA to R&R time. If you have 20 days of leave saved up and your R&R is only 14, you can’t extend that time period to use up your leave. You only get to use the 14 days. Soldiers may use PDMRA leave within 12 months of returning from deployment or during PCS travel. If you don’t use them within 12 months of returning from deployment, too bad, so sad. Leaders must make every effort to give their troops this time off within that timeframe. We owe it to them!

Soldiers who return from deployment due to an injury or are deemed to be “not fit for duty” will have one year to use their PDMRA from the day that they are determined to be “fit for duty.” This is good news for those Soldiers recovering from injuries sustained as a result of combat or their deployment, but stuck somewhere like Walter Reed for extended periods of time. Soldiers who are getting out of the Army can combine their ETS (terminal) leave with PDMRA.

PDMRA days do not continue to accrue for those Soldiers on transition leave and/or extension of mobilization orders for the purpose of PDMRA usage. It also doesn’t have a cash value like normal leave does. If it’s not used, it goes the way of GM dealerships and just disappears without a trace and no “cash out” option. For those Soldiers in the Reserve component with federal, state or local government civilian employment, you cannot by law receive civilian pay while using this leave. Since you are considered on active duty while taking this leave. However, there is a provision in the law that allows you to elect to receive Assignment Incentive Pay in lieu of PDMRA. For this purpose, the AIP would be valued at a rate of $200 for each day of administrative absence that otherwise would have been authorized/earned under the PDMRA program, but can’t exceed $3,000 per month. To request this, simply use the 4187 process (see your 1SG).

I hope this cleared up some of the confusion or lack of knowledge about this important way our nation shows its appreciation for what we’re doing. Our media likes to highlight all the down sides of these deployments while completely ignoring worthy programs like this, additional pay, and other benefits that Soldiers receive during and after deployments. We take care of our own and this is just another example of that.

If you have any further questions about the program, don’t hesitate to ask in the comments section so that others can learn along with you. Also, please see your PAC or 1SG. However, since I’ve been contacted by a few First Sergeants myself, they may not have the answer. In those cases, provide them with this link to educate them. They’ll thank you for it!

For services other than the Army, this program SHOULD work the exact same way. It’s a DOD program, not an Army one. We are just better at getting the word out there!

Oh and I almost forgot, you can access a special calculator to help you figure out how much leave you may be due by clicking HERE.

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Feeling Less-Useful Post-Deployment

May 19, 2009 By myheroesathome
Posted in Guest Blogger, Life in the Military, Spouse and Family

I met with a life coach today. Even though (or especially because) I am a certified life coach, I think it’s a good idea to routinely check in with someone outside your own head about how you’re doing. Someone to ask you about your goals and dreams, and hold you accountable for them. So I did. And that hour of help looking at the big picture of my life was more valuable that the countless hours of soul-searching I’ve been bogged down in over the past week.

Draw a circle.
Now draw lines through the circle, dividing it into six equal sections – like a pizza.
Label each of the sections with these titles: Professional, Financial, Wellness, Spiritual, Emotional and Relationships.
Take a few minutes to think about how happy you are in each of these areas of your life.
Now assign each slice a number: 1 is ‘really unhappy,’ 10 is ‘everything’s perfect

Here’s what mine looks like:
Professional: 4
Financial: 1
Wellness:9
Spiritual: 9
Emotional: 8
Relationships: 9

Now, color in each pizza slice as indicated by the number you picked. For example, I’ll fill in the spiritual slice 9/10 of the way from the center. Try to consider the shaded area as a second circle inside the original one. If it were a wheel, could it roll? Mine would be a pretty bumpy ride.

Looking at the drawing, I realized that although my emotional and spiritual life, my health & wellness and my relationships are all happy and fulfilling, my professional and financial life leave much to be desired. A common dilemma for a military wife. Especially one coming out of a deployment.

When Paul deployed, I quit my job as a TV anchor in order to run our farm while he was gone. Although I started Heroes At Home during the year he was gone, my life was very much about supporting him and holding down the homefront in his absence. I went from a steady paycheck to being the much less significant income in our two-income family. We didn’t miss the money because his salary jumped with the addition of separation and hazardous duty pay. We could afford for me to focus on my spiritual and emotional well-being, my relationships, my health. And, of course, all the home maintenance, laundry, dog care, finances, cooking, cleaning, letter-writing, package-mailing, power-of-attorney wielding, vehicle upkeep, holiday celebration… and all the other trappings of a two-person life that fell squarely on my shoulders. It was a blessing to have that flexibility during a very difficult year. I am very proud of being a military wife – doing my part to serve our country by lending Uncle Sam my husband and hanging in there while he’s gone.

Here’s the problem. He’s home now. And I want my life back.
I spent a lot of time with my girlfriends during the deployment. I ate well, lifted weights attended pilates regularly. I managed my stress and anxiety by finding activities that fulfilled me and relying on my faith to get me through. I have 8s and 9s in all those pizza slices of my life.

But I went from a pre-deployment 9 in the professional slice (10 seems a little pompous… but suffice it to say I had nothing to complain about on the career front) to a post-deployment 4. I love my work with military families – it is rewarding and meaningful, but I constantly wish I could reach more people. I haven’t been able to focus on growing the business over the past year, because – as any spouse who has survived a combat deployment can tell you – it’s hard to focus on anything other than getting through the days and trying to not think about what will happen if your soldier doesn’t come home. And the post-deployment 1 in the financial slice? I guess I didn’t realize how important it was to me to be an equal financial contributor in our partnership.

So… I’ve got some work to do. I’m going to focus on growing the business, and hope that the money will follow. But I’m also going to spend some time realizing that I still make some pretty valuable contributions around here (anyone for clean BDUs or homemade veggie lasagna?) Just because the deployment is over, doesn’t mean my service doesn’t matter anymore, or that my sense of purpose should disappear. As I struggle to re-define my role in the family for the second time in the past year, I will try to remember that it was my strength and support that got us both through it.
And, really, you can’t put a price on that.

Read more from Katie Dyer at Heroes At Home

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Urban Camo Makes my Milspouse Skin Crawl!

May 18, 2009 By myheroesathome
Posted in Guest Blogger, Life in the Military, Patriotism, Spouse and Family

 I spent the weekend at a winery with my girlfriends. The sun was shining, we had a table on the patio, and I was on my third glass of pinot gris when I came face to face with my biggest pet peeve as an army wife: urban camo. You know what I’m talking about… civilian clothes that come in “cute” camouflage patterns. Sometimes you’ll see them in pink or blue…. mostly in dog collars and infant clothes…. I can get over that. My dogs all wear military “dog tags” after all. But what I can’t seem to accept is full-on, olive green, why-would-you-wear-it-if-you’re-not-in-uniform camo. Women in their 20s and 30s are the biggest offenders. Usually it’s Capri pants with cargo pockets and little drawstrings at the ankles. Or too-tight, ribbed GI Jane-style tank tops. Civilian men are not immune to the camo craze – but they prefer “authentic” surplus-store-style duds…. the knee length shorts made out of an old pair of BDUs, and my absolute favorite: the digital camo backpack/ruck sack. I’m sure they are very useful on missions…. but in the frozen foods aisle at Safeway? Not so much.

“Urban Commando!” Paul shouts whenever we’re out and see someone in their camo gear.
“Where?” I ask. “I don’t see anyone.”
He nods knowingly.
“That’s because they’re camouflaged.”
It never ceases to be funny, even though in the small town where we live, there is usually an entire urban battalion down at the Dari-Mart on any given day.

Camo is not a very flattering look on most people, but when I see someone out in their olive green duds, I feel like calling the MPs more than the Fashion Police. Camouflage, to me, signals military. It’s what my husband wears to work. I’m just not sure how it became so popular in civilian attire. Could you imagine the uniform trend catching on? People would be out at bars on Friday nights in their medical scrubs…. Or maybe just the scrub pants, paired with a cute lace camisole or babydoll T? I don’t think so. Will Nordstrom soon carry navy polyester button-ups with faux police badges on the chest? Or evening-wear versions of the bright orange, mesh construction worker vest?

I blame the camo craze on the fascination civilians have with all things military. Witness: boot camp workouts, combat boots and Hummers. Trust me, as someone living the life – it ain’t all that magical.

In the interest of full disclosure: I do have a pair of camo patterned converse tennis shoes. But they were a gift. And really, they do go with everything.

Read more from Katie Dyer at Heroes At Home

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Missing my Battle Buddy

May 17, 2009 By myheroesathome
Posted in Guest Blogger, Life in the Military, Spouse and Family

I’m mourning the loss of my Battle Buddy. She’s not really gone, but our husbands are home safely from Afghanistan, and the “battle” that bonded us is over. We still talk every couple of weeks, but gone are the twice-daily phone calls that got us through the long weeks of last year’s deployment. Gone is the shared set of emotions – anger, fear, loneliness, depression, pride, love – that we weathered together.
And I miss her.

Kelly and I spent twelve months of our lives in identical situations, as our husbands were paired up overseas to mentor the Afghan National Army. We met during the pre-deployment briefings a few days before our soldiers left. We experienced every stage of our first deployment together. Though we live three hours apart, we managed several dinners at a halfway point on the highway. She took me to the spa for my birthday weekend. We made the 5-hour rode trip together to attend the funeral of one of our husbands’ fallen comrades, sobbing our way through the service with my head on her shoulder and her hands clasped tightly around mine. We were each other’s source of strength and understanding. There were daily emails, 3-hour phone calls, and countless messages passed between the two of us and our husbands, when one of the guys was able to call before the other. The four of us were linked in a way that is hard to explain. My husband, Paul, wrote Kelly’s number in sharpie inside his uniform so that if anything happened to her husband, she would hear it first from his best friend. Kelly’s husband, Mark, took Paul’s goodbye letter to me, keeping it safe in case it was ever needed.

Paul and I were on R&R in Australia when we learned of the death of a soldier in his unit. We called Kelly in the middle of the night. I needed her.
“How’s Mark?” I asked.
“He needs Paul,” she answered.
Paul needed Mark, too, so he returned to Afghanistan on the next flight.
Paul needed Mark more than he needed me.
And I needed Kelly.

The deployment took my husband away for a year, but it didn’t take my need for a best friend, a confidante, someone to lean on. Kelly became that person. And now that our soldiers are home, it seems like we should release our death-grip on each other, and bond with our husbands again.
But my husband didn’t know me during this deployment the way Kelly did. And Mark and Paul don’t understand the bond Kelly and I share anymore than we can comprehend the new ‘brotherhood’ they claim.

And to be honest, as we both try to navigate marriages in which both partners have changed so much, I’m not sure Kelly and I have ever needed each other more. So why does our closeness seem like a betrayal now when it was essential to our survival just a few months ago?

When the guys came home from the war, Kelly and I rode to the airport together. The four of us headed for the bar and spent the night immersed in karaoke and pitchers of Bud Light. We laughed and told stories of our time apart. Kelly met Paul and I met Mark face to face for the first time. And I had visions of shared vacations and lifetimes of barbeques in each other’s backyards. But in the first glorious days of homecoming, no one tells you how difficult the next few months will be. No one tells you that the man you married will seem like a stranger, and the world he shares with fellow soldiers will always seem foreign and just out of reach. All the prayers and wishes you sent into the universe during the deployment have been granted – he’s home safely and you’re supposed to have everything you’ve ever wanted. He’s your best friend again, and the one person who might be able to understand why you still feel so lonely won’t be able to pick up the phone on a Sunday afternoon – because now her husband is home, too.

Read more from Katie Dyer at Heroes At Home

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