How much do you tell your deployed soldier?

I have heard this question many times, and during Mike’s first deployment I found myself asking the same question. There is no clear cut or cookie cutter answer. A lot of it depends on your relationship with your soldier and your preferences as a family. It’s very important for you and your soldier to have this discussion during a time when you can be very open and honest with one another (when you are saying your final goodbyes is generally not a good time!).

There are different types of information to consider and figure out what he wants to hear and know about while he is deployed. The first is the day in and day out hum-drum routines of life. I found that both my husband and son enjoyed hearing about the mundane things like doctor’s appointments, the car breaking down, and how the moves went while they were away. I was careful to not just complain to them when frustrations cropped up because I know my guys — they want to fix things. It was my goal to share with them, but not leave them frustrated or feeling helpless to help me with things when we hung up. Often times I would share with them a particular struggle I had after I had solved it. They could give me good feedback to consider, but we could hang up and they knew the problem was taken care of.

The next level of information is sensitive information, but not something that is drastically life changing like a severe illness, terminal diagnosis or death in the family. This is the gray area and often the one family members struggle with. We faced a situation like this when Mike was in Iraq the last time. My mother, his grandmother, was diagnosed with lung cancer and would need a pretty serious surgery. It wasn’t  imminently life threatening, but the threat of it turning that way quickly was very real. He was coming home on leave and would be here shortly after her surgery, but at the same time he was right smack in the middle of the surge in Diyala, and he’s in combat arms. They were doing a lot of missions and I knew he was extremely focused. Our phone calls were very, very, short and often just for a minute or two before he would leave off on another mission. He was outside the wire more than inside, and finding the time and opportunity to tell him was very hard.

I finally found an opportunity when I knew he would have a few days off and so we chatted about it. I was able to answer all of his questions and give him supportive answers. The important thing, again, is making sure your soldier isn’t left with worry or with anything that make him feel more frustrated than he has to be. Frustration will be there because of the separation and inability to participate in a time of family need… just don’t add to what is naturally there by  expecting something from your soldier when he just can’t be there to help out.

One time on a military family discussion board a question came up from a mother who had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. She was not sure if she was going to tell her deployed son or not. The advice given to her was varied… some saying don’t bother him and others saying he would want to know. She wound up not telling him. Those who were in favor of her telling him carried on the argument that his reintegration may be harder because when he steps off the plane he will see his mother in a drastically changed state of physical well-being (the chemo was very hard on her). Again, though, I think it depends so much on the soldier and the family.

Just be sure to have these kinds of discussion ahead of time. Ask your soldier point blank what kind of information he wants and what would be better to not bog him down with. Think of scenarios so that you can be more clear.