Families Sacrifice Too

In the nearly ten years that our country has been at war, our military has obviously been at the forefront of the news of how this war is affecting them. From time to time, the families of these troops are covered as well, but not nearly as much as they should in my opinion. A few years ago, I put up a video on my YouTube page that was released by the Army to honor our military families. It saddens me that this campaign was a one shot deal. It continues to get views, though, and I’m happy for that (over 113,000 views so far).

We all know that not all Soldiers are cut for the military. What seems to be overlooked, but should be taken just as seriously, is that not all spouses are cut out for the military either.

I remember when I first made the decision to join the Army and signed the papers. Emily and I were engaged at the time and separated by geography. She was still in Japan and I was in Texas. Her dad hadn’t PCS’d back to the states yet. I called her on a short phone card to let her know I had joined the Army and to say she wasn’t happy would be an understatement!

It’s not an easy life to live. Frequently, spouses are required to raise kids alone, handle difficult moves, deal with school issues, and take care of the family’s finances while the troop is deployed. It’s a LOT of stress to put on anyone, especially young and newly married couples.

In the recently begun spouse blog, Tales from the Homefront of the 103rd ESC’s Deployment, the author wears her emotions on her sleeve about her husband’s recent deployment:

I know I don’t want to do this.

I hate the Army right now.

Freedom isn’t free. I am very aware that there are many who have paid a higher price for our cherished freedoms, but right now, I’m feeling that the price that my family and I are paying is pretty damn high.

I think after this deployment is over I’m done paying the price. Someone else’s turn. We will have done our time.

It’s important to note – and a good learning point -that she has found ways to help pass the time during the deployment. She is reading books, reading scriptures, taking a stained glass class, and will be going to see that ass-monkey, Paul McCartney, in concert. Yeah, I said ass-monkey.

It’s important that spouses find ways to fill the time that is created by a loved one’s deployment.

The Dallas News today started covering these stories as well that focus on the impacts of families of deployed troops.

It’s the story of Aimee Ybarra, a mother of two grade-school children, whose husband came home after his fifth combat tour and told her he wanted to leave their 15-year marriage because he had gotten used to being gone. It’s the story of Lisa Bernreuther, who’s steeling herself for her husband’s sixth deployment; he’s only been home from his last tour since April. She keeps his Army boots by the door, she says, “because sometimes I forget I even have a husband.”

And it’s the story of Gwendolyn Roberts, a bright, outgoing sixth-grader and “Daddy’s girl.” When her father left for war for the third time in five years, the spark went out of her and she tumbled into severe depression.

It is no longer proper to compare the impact of these wars with the deployments of WWII. It’s a completely different time for wars that have outlived any previous combat action taken on by this country. While I’m glad that the Dallas News is covering this issue, I’m a little saddened that their focus is on all the negative aspects, ignoring those families that find way to positively deal with the separation. They are going to focus on:

• Repeated combat tours to Iraq and Afghanistan have split up marriages and forced kids to grow up without one or both parents for chunks of their childhood.

• Troops return home from combat tours with severe injuries and psychological disorders, thrusting spouses and other family members into new roles as long-term caregivers.

• Suicides in the military have risen to record levels, and the divorce rate has climbed steadily since the U.S. went to war in 2001.

I truly believe (but may be wrong) that deployments are really what you make of them. If you go into with a positive attitude, it’ll be a better experience. It might not be easier, but by finding ways to keep busy, focused on the marriage and the deployed troop, the year or so will go by faster than you know.

Try to find ways to make it interesting. Think of ideas for theme care packages to your loved one. It’s a lot of fun looking for things that fit that theme. When I was in Iraq, I got a bunch of those. A USA themed care package with red, white and blue items and candies. For St. Patrick’s day, a bunch of green stuff. A movie care package with microwaveable popcorn – that I never got to eat because we didn’t have a microwave where i was – and Jujubes. Introduce your service member to a new television series and send a different season each month. I became a huge fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer while deployed, a show I never before had interest in. From there, I became an Angel fan. Send your loved one a recording of various neighborhood people sending greetings to him/her. If you’re at Wal-Mart ask the cashier if she’ll say something. Go to the mayor’s office. A local police officer. Your local radio show host. etc. Obviously, if you have any kids, have the kids send a greeting too. Then, send it to them in email or on an inexpensive MP3 player along with some songs that will remind you of your loved one and the deployment.

Deployments are difficult, but they don’t have to be impossible. Remember that happiness is a choice.