Five Ways Being In The Military Is Like Raising A Baby
Due to familial obligations – read a whiny four month old – I was unable to finish what I had planned for my second week here at You Served. Fortunately, the good folks in charge saw fit to let me extend my tenure another week in order to reach their yearly quota of mildly offensive, wiener laden military based jokes. With the boy fresh on my mind: I’ve learned, in the four short months I’ve been a father, that there are a lot of similarities between raising an infant and being in the military. Here’s five of them:
# 1 You’re going to lose sleep
Baby-Wise: As a parent I’ve become accustomed to living life in a zombie-like state. Subsisting on a steady diet of energy drinks and power naps taken at inappropriate times; my life has started to feel like a video game played through a fish bowl. I’ve learned that I can sneak a quick snatch of rest at the following advantageous moments: On a ten minute break at work. On my lunch break in my car. And at extended red lights on my commute home. Of course there are some of you who will say that your child sleeps through the night and you are getting plenty of sleep. Congratulations. I hate you.
Military-Wise: In the military you are indoctrinated early on that your career will be spent in a persistent state of neither asleep, nor awake. Whether it’s basic training, a field exercise, mandatory formations or a deployment, you’re going to find that your opportunities to sleep are going to be few and far between. My father told me, when I joined the military, “Never pass up an opportunity to eat, sleep or go the bathroom.” Following that advice I’ve learned, and managed to, sneak in small increments of sleep during the following situations: in formation, while marching, and during a combat field exercise at Tinker Air Force Base while ground burst simulators were going off and Op-For was advancing on our base. Apologies go out to the fire team I was leading at the time.
Bottom Line: No matter where you manage to find it, sleep is an important commodity that can not be ignored. And however you manage you restock your supply of nocturnal,off-duty time, it’s kosher…regardless of what cadre says when the catch you sleeping in your bunk.
coiled and ready to strike!
#2 You’re going to get covered in poop
Baby-Wise: Sadly this is quite a literal statement. My son has the colonic fortitude of a revolutionary war canon defending a besieged fort, a skill that he has been more than happy to display, on numerous occasions. As any new parent can attest there will come a time, in any parent’s life, where you think you are embarking on the simple task of changing a diaper only to find yourself on the receiving end of an anus volcano that makes mt Kilimanjaro look like a miniature fireworks display. My son made this very apparent one day when he inadvertently decorated my mother’s make-up kit with fecal paint. Sorry Mom.
Military-Wise: Regardless of whether you’re in the Officer or Enlisted Corps, you’re going to start at the bottom. There is a saying in the military , “Sh*t rolls down hill.” and at the bottom of the heap you are going to get covered in more proverbial poop than a port-o-let cleaner on a bad day. This can come down in any manner of situations but the thrust of the situation is, generally, you failed to accomplish a task that would be nearly impossible unless you were a mutant with the ability to replicate yourself a hundred times over and some how, its your fault. It’s a pile of poop that’s a little harder to wash off.
Bottom Line: Whether you’re a parent or a military member, you’re going to get covered in poop. When a baby is involved it’s pretty easy to wash off. As a member of the military it will probably require a PCS to get this one off your record.
like this…but from the butt
#3 Say goodbye to your free time
Baby-Wise: As a parent I’ve learned that babies require a lot of attention. Ungodly amounts of attention. Attention that would usually be devoted to watching wrestling, drinking beer and crafting sophomoric comedy articles focusing on why I, as a man almost in my thirties, still identify with Transformers and spend a majority of my time watching cartoons. But babies hate it when their parents are enjoying time by themselves. Any time my wife and I seem to be enjoying ourselves – usually by her doing something productive and me playing Call of Duty - my son takes this to mean that we no longer love him and screams until we pay attention to him. And the joy that I’m experiencing on the “Spooky” gun ship level of Call of Duty 4 be damned!
Military-Wise: When you join the military you’re not just starting a job, you’re embarking on a lifestyle adventure. This adventure consists of things that you will never have experienced before in your life. Things like mandatory formations, parades, open ranks inspections and a little bugger known as “mandatory fun”. Only the military could take something with the word “fun” in the title and suck all of the actual fun out of it. Mandatory fun, for the uninitiated, is when someone really high on the totem pole decides that they know what the troops call “fun” and books a day filled with generic, bland activities that no one is interested in and you will be ordered to attend. This will take place on a weekend where you had planned to spend all day at the beach drinking and having an actual good time and you will have to explain to your friends that yes, this is the weekend, and no, you don’t have work, but you still have to report in at 0800 hours so you can spend your free time in accordance with your base commanders idea of a good time.
Bottom Line: It may be time to take up a new hobby that doesn’t require a lot of attention. I personally chose “Letting other people have a good time while I read about their exploits on facebook from my phone because I’m either up at 2am rocking a baby back to sleep or stuck at drill again.” Of course your new hobby is up to you.
#4 You have the opportunity to pass on your life experience – and screw up yet another generation.
Baby-Wise: There’s no test for being a parent, which is both a good and bad thing. As a parent one of things I look forward to the most is the opportunity to share with my child the lessons I have learned over my life. I hope that these lessons will prevent him from having to make the same mistakes I made and I hope that they will help him grow into a respectful adult. The flip-side to this is that when his head is still all soft and ripe for programming I can convince him of things that a grown up wouldn’t believe. The first example of this will be when I take him to Chuck E Cheese and convince him that it’s Disneyland. I’m sure his therapist will thank me, years later, when he is financing her vacation home in the Caribbean.
Military-Wise: Conversely there are tests for becoming a Senior NCO and an Officer, but those tests don’t always weed out those who would not make good leaders. As an NCO or Officer you have in your hands the malleable minds of young enlistees who will take to heart anything you tell them. ANYTHING! Certainly you can use this for good and train them to be effective soldiers who will be organized and accomplish their mission with dignity and respect. Or you could just lead them down the wrong path by seeing how many items off of Skippy’s List that you can get them to do. The first option is obviously the more effective one but the second option will provide you with hours upon hours of entertainment.
Bottom Line: You have the opportunity to hone the generation that will be replacing you, in both the service and in life. What you do with this power is up to you. Use it wisely. For the record, I’ll be telling my son that the sun sets in Phoenix Arizona, so I think it’s pretty clear which option I’ll be choosing.
trust me, he’s learning a valuable lesson from this
# 5 You’re no longer in charge of your own life.
Baby-wise: If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the four short months I’ve been a dad it’s this: the little thing that can’t even form an intelligent word, let alone a coherent sentence, is in charge. His needs and wants dictate the tone and tenor of your everyday existence. You learn to survive by being able to predict their moods and needs. Certainly eons of evolution would dictate that the people in the group who are able to make rational decisions and verbalize their needs would be the one in charge…but not in this case.
Military-wise: Pretty much the same story. Except replace “baby” with “Colonel”.
Travis
topic submitted by @chromedcurses on twitter
You can find more of Travis at his website – Whiskey For Breakfast or you can follow him on twitter .
