The Little Major That Couldn’t.
This story has been running around the internet for a few weeks now, but considering it’s really only being reported on in military circles I figured that maybe it was time to bring it out into the light of day.
If you don’t have time to click the link and read the story, here’s a quick synopsis:
Army Reserve Major Stefan Frederick Cook – who, for the purposes of this story we’ll call Major DoucheNozzle – volunteered to go to Afghanistan as an Individual Mobilization Augmentee. That “augmentee” part is pretty important to this story because it means that Maj. DoucheNozzle volunteered to work outside of his career field for this deployment. Volunteered is also important because it means a mobilization order didn’t come down from the top stating that Maj. DoucheNozzle would be forced to leave friends and family and spend a year in a foreign country. Volunteered means that this Major took a look at the deployment roster and said, without coercion, “That looks okay, I think I’ll go do that.”
a brief look through the Major’s rose colored glasses
Apparently after googling “Having fun in Afghanistan” Maj. DoucheNozzle realized that the closest Disney Resort is thousands of miles away. Promptly realizing that he might have made a mistake in his interpretation of “deploying to an active combat zone” he balked at his orders and decided that if he couldn’t bring cartoon souvenirs home to the family, he wasn’t going. As an Individual Augmentee, and a volunteer, the Maj. had the opportunity to revoke his orders at his whim. He could have walked into his mobilization office and yelled, “FOOLED YOU, I AINT GOING NOWHERE!” and walked out a man who wouldn’t end up spending a year picking sand out of crevices where sand should never go.
Instead, in a move to prove that he has bigger balls than the current administration, Maj. DoucheNozzle grabbed himself a lawyer and some press attention and loudly declared, “I aint going because Obama aint the President!”
AND HE GOT AWAY WITH IT.
A statement issued by LT. COl Maria Quona spokeswoman for the U.S. Army Human Resources Command-St. Louis, said “Cook was no longer expected to report today to MacDill Air Force Base, Fla., for mobilization to active duty, according to a report in the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer of Georgia.”
cajones THIS BIG!
Now there’s obviously a couple of groups that need to be addressed following this debacle. First is the United States Military.
Really guys? You’re going to let him get away with this? I understand that this was a voluntary deployment and he could have pulled out at any given time, but the precedent that you are setting is ABYSMAL! Certainly most people would want to get out of a deployment because of the familial hardship but you have officially opened the floodgates for any crackpot theory to be a viable excuse to get out of deployment. And unless you’re willing to wade into the murky waters of the tinfoil hat crowd in order to judge the relevance of every whack job conspiracy theory, be prepared to offer an easy out to anyone claiming any of the following:
1. Dinosauroid-like Alien Reptiles are dominating the World and I’m not fighting THEIR war!
2. 9-11 started all of this and since September 11 was orchestrated by the U. S. government the war is immoral.
3.Hitler is still alive living on his moon base and that’s the real threat we should be fighting.
4.My underpants out rank you and they say I don’t have to go. (followed by a crisp salute to their nether regions)
I hope you’re ready to deal with this, because the only thing most people took away from this news story is “crazy talk gets you out of a deployment.”
And finally; Major DoucheNozzle himself. Aside from being a disappointment to your superiors, and a chickenshit to your subordinates, I really only have one thing to say to you:
I got you a present.
It’s a bag of dicks.
And you can eat as many as you want.
Travis
i would’ve gone easier if he’d just admitted he was scared
You can find more of Travis at his website – Whiskey For Breakfast or you can follow him on twitter .
Coolpillow
July 29th, 2009 at 5:25 pmTravis,
I have finally met a person who Rush Limbaugh and Mark Levin describe as “a 20-something blogger who lives in his mommy’s basement”Combat, Fitness, Intelligence and cranks out the not only senseless- but completely fraught with lies, piece of CRAP.
This should be pulled off the net for sucking perfectly good oxygen out of the bandwith.
Major Stefan Cook is a highly decorated, COMBAT veteran of the Army who has served tours in both Afhanistan and Iran.
Highly educated, and has attended and graduated Officer’s Candidate School. He has degrees in Economics, Finance, Quantitative Analysis and Quality Management from Fordham, Anna Maria and St John’s Universities.
Military training includes Engineering, Combat and Fitness Training, Improvised Explosive Devices, Civil Military Relations, Defense against Suicide Bombing and much more.
He has combat patches, Meritorius Service Medals, Gold and Oak Lef Medals, Bronze Stars and Global War on Terror Service medals- to just name a few.
He is also Citrix, Cisco and Microsoft Qualified in the field of computers. This is a very abbreviated sort form resume- but suffcice it to say this man is no coward and has been in wars -with scud missiles and IEDs exploding around him. He is a great American.
It occurred to him- in concern for not only himself, but his comrades in arms- that should they be captured on foreign soil, they would NOT be protected by the Geneva conventions- SHOULD this president to be found to be Constitutionally UNFIT to be the Commander in Chief.
That being said- the reality is- that Obama has NOT brought forward his LONG FORM LIVE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
The computer generated version that has been seen on the web is a photo-shopped FRAUD.
The LONG FORM would have specific information that is missing from the Hawaiian “Birth Certificate.”
Whether he WAS born in Hawaii, Kenya or Timbuk-FN-tu- he FATHER was NOT a United States citizen. He was a dual citizen of Kenya a colony of the United Kingdom.
Obama has also to provide medical records, school records and records related to the Illinois senate.
Besides the birth certificate- it’s rumored that the reason the college records haven’t been released is because he was receiving monetary aid as A FOREIGN STUDENT.
So the simple answer to a simple question:
“Where’s the long form birth certificate?”
And why has Obama spent $2 million on multiple teams of lawyers to fight court cases all over the country.
I would suggest you owe Major Stefan Cook a profound apology.
But knowing you left-wing miscreants, you wouldn’t know how.
So crawl back under the rock in the basement and think twice before you spread the filthy lies.
And do some research before you spew your warrantless venom, you needle-dicked bug-F***er!
Improvised Explosive Devi
Travis G.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:27 pmThe thing I love about writing on the internet is that if you find that you disagree with me, you automatically assume that I fall into any number of categories of despicable people that you don’t like. If you’re liberal and don’t agree with me, then I’m obviously a conservative. If you’re conservative and don’t agree with me I’m obviously some red-diaper-doper-baby. Fact of the matter is I’ve espoused the virtues of neither political ideology. I’ve simply tried to make light of this news story.
The Major’s accolades aside, the story here isn’t about his fitness as a commander, an officer or a human. The story here is the media attention that this man has brought upon himself by aligning himself with this “birther” crowd. If he’d simply bowed out gracefully without the news coverage – he wouldn’t be a story.
But more than anything else; it’s called humor. It’s making light of a news story that I – obviously – only see as canon fodder for making dick jokes. I didn’t put this man in the news the only thing I’m doing is making jokes out of the story linked above.
If Major Stefan Cook is truly as offended by this as you seem to be I’ll offer him an apology. Until then go ahead and check this out and feel free to send an impassioned email to Stephen Colbert about how offended you are.
http://www.indecisionforever.com/2009/07/29/colbert-is-a-proud-member-of-the-birther-movement/
Travis G.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:37 pmAlso I don’t “F*CK” bugs…I make love to them.
Lou
July 29th, 2009 at 7:41 pmI’m guessing that this commenter is probably Maj. DoucheNozzle himself. Googling your own name is called “egosurfing”. Looks like you do it.
And I’m seriously lol’ing at the touting of Citrix/Cisco/MSQ being touted as “surprising”. I’ve known retarded monkeys permafried on acid and ecstacy who knew more about computers than most of the MS Qualified/Cisco Certified individuals I’ve met.
And just so you know… All the good bandwidth cables are already pretty much oxygen-free. Like, 99% free.
LL
July 30th, 2009 at 8:15 amcoolpillow,
Using ad hominem attacks against Travis as the opening salvo in your comment is exactly equivalent to what the right has always disdained the moonbats for. You are no different than the Bushitlerites when you do that.
As to your argument, I say this. We are in the midst of the most devastating economic crisis our nation has seen in decades. Several countries are stuffing uranium down their pants and running like a fat kid with a torte down his, whose mom said, “No more cake, Fatty McFatty!” We’re neck deep in Afghanistan and ankle deep, with a lot of detritus still clinging to us, in Iraq.
What do you suppose would happen if Obama suddenly “saw the light” and quit cuz he’s not a citizen??
HAVE YOU SEEN AND HEARD JOE BIDEN??? HOW ABOUT NANCY PELOSI, 3rd IN LINE??
Let’s focus on important issues that face this nation and rally the conservatives around things like fiscal responsibility, reduced taxation, reduce government presence, and for the love of all that’s holy, NO NATIONAL HEALTH CARE PLAN. There are some things bigger than a birth certificate, m’kay?
LL
July 30th, 2009 at 8:17 amPS-Travis is funny. This is a funny post. Laugh, it might make you feel better.
Troy
July 30th, 2009 at 8:24 amNot only is coolpillow not really knowledgeable about the military (gold and oak lead medals? what are those?) the person also puts a lot of weight into a microsoft or other technical certification. Check out any number of braindump sites on this beloved internet and you too can have all the answers to any number of technical certification tests. As someone who is pretty senior in the IT field I can tell you when hiring someone, experience, not certifications is what matters.
Coolpillow you have done your friend right. Be sure and email him to let him know you did you best to defend his sorry and un-patriotic actions.
Mrs. Diva
July 30th, 2009 at 10:09 amcoolpillow,
You really do need to get a sense of humor before you pop a blood vessel. Maybe you could rent one for a day or two….