Good Fences=Good Neighbors?
There is an old adage that goes “Good fences make good neighbors.” I think it can be taken two different ways — either a person uttering this idiom is fed up with neighbors and only wants a fence nearby, or the person agreeing with this knows that having a clearly marked boundary around their home and the home of their neighbor can prevent future problems. It’s kind of the “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” mentality.
I live in a nice neighborhood. Some neighbors have fences, and some don’t. The one the thing that we all seem to have in common, regardless of the presence of a physical fence, is good strong personal boundaries. Of course those boundaries only give us peace when we are surrounded by others who respect them. This makes for a lot of harmony in the neighborhood.
This topic came up because in the last few months I have had a few friends solicit my advice on how to deal with friends/neighbors who do not respect personal boundaries — and, in turn, they do not have healthy boundaries themselves. My friends are struggling because they are kind and giving, but they have never defined how much is too much for them — they are missing a part of the fence!
People with blurred boundaries can really struggle to find a good balance when they become part of the military community. Military community dwellers share an enormous amount of life’s struggles together. We face separations from our loved one during deployment and training, we face injuries, and sometimes death together. We celebrate the birth of babies and the graduation of young adults, together. We also turn to one another for an empathy that we simply can not find outside of this tightly knit, and extremely necessary sense of community.
There still has to be boundaries though.
There is a distinction between supporting one another and allowing another person to sucker you into carrying the brunt of their daily burden of life. Some people have a gift for making their problems, your problems. Mind you, I am not talking about friends who just need a shoulder to cry on — I am talking about the person who shows up on your door step, completely expecting you to solve a problem they have while totally ignoring the fact that you have your own household to run and manage. This kind of person does not just do this once or twice out of desperation. This is the person who friends will pretend they are not home when she comes calling.
Many wives I know either cave in, and to the detriment of their own families, help. They start to feel resentment, anger, and disgust, but have a hard time turning the person away because of some misplaced guilt or some misplaced sense of responsibility. This is where healthy boundaries come in. Just like a fence that defines your property, healthy boundaries define your limits. There is an old saying “If you never say no, then your yes means nothing!” Being a doormat only gets you walked on!
What are healthy boundaries? Well, there is no special formula to figure those out, but if you are feeling taken advantage of or feeling resentful toward someone who leans too heavily on you, then that’s a good place to start. Start by figuring out exactly why you feel that way. Is it because the other person makes you feel like you have no choice (via guilt trip, surprising you with a request, or dumping and running?). You always have a choice and you can say no. The person may not like it, but that’s the beginning. Real friends understand when you can’t help out or give any more for a while.
Some of us struggle with guilt and feel the need to take care of those around us. I really identify with that, and it was not until I was much older that I learned how to say no and how to enforce good boundaries. I struggled with feeling selfish or mean when I would turn people down when they asked for help. Again, I am not talking about a friend in crisis — I am talking about people who live in crisis, and want you to constantly bail them out.
A good illustration to consider is one I have used before when writing on similar topics. When you board an airplane and are being given instructions on what to do if cabin pressure is lost, the flight attendant always tell you to help yourself first. If the masks drop and you have a child or an incapacitated person sitting next to you, then you are to put your mask on first. Why? Because if you pass out who will help the others? You are an important and vital member of your family and community. If you get burned out and resentful because another person is mismanaging her life, then how will you be there for your kids and your spouse? Priorities are another good indicator of where your boundaries need to be.
If you have someone in your life that you feel you need to draw your boundaries with, here are a few things to consider:
1. She’s not going to like it when you tell her no for the first time. She will probably take it personally. All you can do is state your position clearly and kindly — you can not control how she will respond. Don’t own it. Let her own her own behavior and her own response.
2. Don’t just stop dead in your tracks. Let’s say she’s using you for babysitting all the time and you are burned out. Simply tell her you are tired and can not babysit past (insert a date/time here). Maybe when you tell her the news you can hand her a piece of paper with the number to child care facilities or other known babysitters in the area.
3. Now, figure out for yourself what is reasonable and what is not. This varies from person to person depending on a lot of factors. What can you really offer? How many people can you help? When you offer to help what is your motivation? Do not say yes out of guilt or a sense of false obligation.
4. Honesty is always the best policy. Honesty does not have to be brutal, but it can be if she does not seem to get where you are coming from. Always bear in mind your goal is to preserve your dignity and preserve a relationship or connection if at all possible.
Do what you can do to be a good neighbor. If someone is not respecting your boundaries, then you respect yourself and reinforce them. Saying no is not being mean. You may do the other person a good favor by modeling healthy behaviors for her.
