Anticipating Anticipatory Grief
I am someone who can worry about worrying. I caught myself this week anticipating the anticipatory grief I know I am entering again facing this upcoming deployment. Those of you who have been through a deployment know exactly what I am talking about. You are standing in the shower at 6am waking up and preparing for your day, when suddenly the thought enters your mind “What if I get the call today?” You are grocercy shopping and in the produce aisle when a thought enters your mind about funeral arangements.
Anticipatory grief is fairly new ground, but it is usually defined as a grief reaction to a loss that is anticipated and not necessarily realized. When you suffer with anticipatory grief you may have intrusive thoughts of the “what ifs” and some times even flashes of a picture of your soldier suffering or being wounded. I have yet to meet one spouse or parent of a soldier who has either been deployed, is deployed or is ready to deploy that has not dealt with these feelings. The feelings, intensity and expression of these feelings all fall on a continuum, but they are very real and can be very disturbing, nonetheless.
Grief is the internal feeling we have when we have a loss. That loss is not always death, although that is usually the first thought that comes to our mind when we think of grief, grieving, and mourning. The loss that is grieved can be a real or perceived loss (such as with the anticipatory grief.)
With deployment there is always grief felt over the loss of close contact, the loss of “peace” while grappling with the concepts of war, as well as the loss of the perception of safety for our loved one. When we are actively grieving we usually find ways to express this internal (and very intense feeling) outwardly. In some cultures there are very passionate ways that people release their feelings of grief — their mourning style is very intense, immediate and more primitive than we, as Americans, tend to express our grief. We tend to internalize things more. It’s a cultural norm and expectation.
I found myself the other day over extending my schedule and taking a 1000 new projects. Why? Because when I am busy I keep my mind focused on what’s before me. For proactively tackling the toll stress takes on my physical body I am starting to slowly get myself back into my running routine. To keep me connected to my soldier while he is on the battlefield I am making sure I am connected to soldiers in Iraq already through troop support. I am also working on starting a Blue Star Mothers of America chapter here in my town.
With a little creativity, a lot of prayer, and a ton of grace we will get through this deployment and come out the other end closer and stronger. It never just happens that way. I think that preparing on the homefront is vital for surviving the duration of the tour.
