Feeling Less-Useful Post-Deployment
I met with a life coach today. Even though (or especially because) I am a certified life coach, I think it’s a good idea to routinely check in with someone outside your own head about how you’re doing. Someone to ask you about your goals and dreams, and hold you accountable for them. So I did. And that hour of help looking at the big picture of my life was more valuable that the countless hours of soul-searching I’ve been bogged down in over the past week.
Draw a circle.
Now draw lines through the circle, dividing it into six equal sections – like a pizza.
Label each of the sections with these titles: Professional, Financial, Wellness, Spiritual, Emotional and Relationships.
Take a few minutes to think about how happy you are in each of these areas of your life.
Now assign each slice a number: 1 is ‘really unhappy,’ 10 is ‘everything’s perfect
Here’s what mine looks like:
Professional: 4
Financial: 1
Wellness:9
Spiritual: 9
Emotional: 8
Relationships: 9
Now, color in each pizza slice as indicated by the number you picked. For example, I’ll fill in the spiritual slice 9/10 of the way from the center. Try to consider the shaded area as a second circle inside the original one. If it were a wheel, could it roll? Mine would be a pretty bumpy ride.
Looking at the drawing, I realized that although my emotional and spiritual life, my health & wellness and my relationships are all happy and fulfilling, my professional and financial life leave much to be desired. A common dilemma for a military wife. Especially one coming out of a deployment.
When Paul deployed, I quit my job as a TV anchor in order to run our farm while he was gone. Although I started Heroes At Home during the year he was gone, my life was very much about supporting him and holding down the homefront in his absence. I went from a steady paycheck to being the much less significant income in our two-income family. We didn’t miss the money because his salary jumped with the addition of separation and hazardous duty pay. We could afford for me to focus on my spiritual and emotional well-being, my relationships, my health. And, of course, all the home maintenance, laundry, dog care, finances, cooking, cleaning, letter-writing, package-mailing, power-of-attorney wielding, vehicle upkeep, holiday celebration… and all the other trappings of a two-person life that fell squarely on my shoulders. It was a blessing to have that flexibility during a very difficult year. I am very proud of being a military wife – doing my part to serve our country by lending Uncle Sam my husband and hanging in there while he’s gone.
Here’s the problem. He’s home now. And I want my life back.
I spent a lot of time with my girlfriends during the deployment. I ate well, lifted weights attended pilates regularly. I managed my stress and anxiety by finding activities that fulfilled me and relying on my faith to get me through. I have 8s and 9s in all those pizza slices of my life.
But I went from a pre-deployment 9 in the professional slice (10 seems a little pompous… but suffice it to say I had nothing to complain about on the career front) to a post-deployment 4. I love my work with military families – it is rewarding and meaningful, but I constantly wish I could reach more people. I haven’t been able to focus on growing the business over the past year, because – as any spouse who has survived a combat deployment can tell you – it’s hard to focus on anything other than getting through the days and trying to not think about what will happen if your soldier doesn’t come home. And the post-deployment 1 in the financial slice? I guess I didn’t realize how important it was to me to be an equal financial contributor in our partnership.
So… I’ve got some work to do. I’m going to focus on growing the business, and hope that the money will follow. But I’m also going to spend some time realizing that I still make some pretty valuable contributions around here (anyone for clean BDUs or homemade veggie lasagna?) Just because the deployment is over, doesn’t mean my service doesn’t matter anymore, or that my sense of purpose should disappear. As I struggle to re-define my role in the family for the second time in the past year, I will try to remember that it was my strength and support that got us both through it.
And, really, you can’t put a price on that.
Read more from Katie Dyer at Heroes At Home
Tom
May 20th, 2009 at 11:23 amThis was a real eyeopener for me. Like many people I suppose, I understood how easily a post-deployment serviceman/woman could feel a sense of seperation from career upon returning. Yet, it never occurred to me how that would be true for a spouse, especially in the modern world. We ask so much of them during the time that their loved ones are in harm’s way, that it never occurred to me how much is sacrificed, even after the return.
I suppose it just goes to show how much greater the need for us to back our troops and their families really is.
Thank you.