I don’t normally give a disclaimer at the beginning of my posts here, but I will this time and you’ll see why. Heck, the title probably gives it away. I write this independent of my military service. It is my PERSONAL opinion and does not reflect the views of any You Served product or the VAMC. Curious yet?
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Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.
-Mark Twain: Notebook, 1894
Marriage is worth saving! We hear it all the time, and it’s a point worth driving home because it’s true. Marriage provides society with couples who have vowed to care for one another, and included in that is a tacit vow to care for any children they may have together. Marriage is especially important to the military. According to research, marriage and family life makes for better soldiers who have a longer retention rate (for male soldiers not female).
As many times as we hear marriage is worth saving, we also hear how marriage is failing. Often, the statement is worded as if “marriage” (the institution itself) is what failed rather than the two dynamic, thinking, living beings who actually created the marriage in the first place.
There are times when changing the structure of a sentence or substituting one word for the other is merely a game of semantics. There are times, as well, when the change in words and structure is actually a change that is dynamic. A Strengths based approach in matters such as divorce takes the focus of our energy off of one continuum and places it on affecting change on another. Let me explain it a little more…
In 1946 years ago the World Health Organization (WHO) put forth in their preamble a statement that has caused a positive change within the medical community concerning the paradigm of viewing health and disease. The medical community’s shift has also caused a shift in the thinking of theorists in the social and behavioral sciences as well.
The shift made was a simple declaration that matters of health and matters of disease are on two completely separate continua rather than coexisting on the same continuum at the polar opposite of each other. In simple English this means that the absence of disease does not equate “health.” Prior to this the assumption was that disease prevention made for healthy patients.
Essentially what was learned (and it is still not used enough in a lot of approaches for various reasons) is that we can not promote functioning in families by trying to prevent dysfunction. We can not strengthen marriages either by only knowing what causes divorce.
The absence of divorce does not equal strong and healthy marriages. We are inundated with data and information on what a couple headed for divorce looks like. Couples often go to therapists hoping that they can “fix” what is broken, or “recharge” that which is not lively any longer. They do this in hopes of “preventing” a divorce.
The truth of the matter is adults often do not change drastically enough when trying to fix their deficits. How can you build up something that you simply do not have? You may be able to learn a new skill through counseling, but in reality marriages that make it through the tough times often do so because of the strengths that the individuals posses — and there may be some “gestalt” that happens between the combined strengths too.
When I was reading up on divorce and the military, I knew that I would want to find strengths based information. In all of the years I spent in the field I was very lucky to work with programs that implemented this theory into practice. The last position I held before self-employment was working as an associate with one of the key figures behind the strengths/asset based approach in human services (particularly with children who have mental/behavioral/physical diagnoses).
It works. It’s more of an evidence based approach because you can truly measure what you are affecting. I never trust prevention measures because it defies logic. How can you truly claim to have prevented an occurrence when it, obviously, never occurred? What is measured is the decrease of occurrences because you can not measure what does not exist! Why not measure instead the skills and assets that do exist and are observable? So, let’s stop chasing the elusive and start building on the tangible.
Military families posses a lot of strengths that are found lacking in struggling families. Sometimes these strengths are what draws a family to military life, and for others these strengths are gained through a trial by fire. Either way, families who stay in the military and stay together will more than likely possess strengths like: “flexibility and a strong sense of community” and also, adaptability, appreciation for one another, faith, community ties, accountability, and resources such as medical insurance, mental health services, financial counseling/ services, etc.
One of the leading researchers in marriage and divorce, John Gottman, also says we know more about what causes divorce than we do about what makes for strong marriages. He further asserted that we focus on solving problems in marriage, when in reality happy couples rarely do:
emphasis mine (link to source):
Most popular interventions, he continued, rest on the premise that marital happiness depends on the way couples solve problems and resolve conflicts through good communication. “Wrong,” he declared. In his firsthand observations of couples, they never do solve their problems. Happy couples have problems, and they tend to have exactly the same problems several years later. In the lab they seem as if they’ve just changed their hairstyles and clothes and come back into the same conversation. What distinguishes them from unhappy couples is that they develop a “dialogue” about their perpetual problems, trying to effect what change they can with humor and affection while at the same time accepting their partners as they are.
I found the quote above very interesting in light of all of the therapeutic models that push “active listening” and problem resolution. The older I get and the longer I am in this world as a wife, mother, military community participant, social worker, writer, and all of the other hats I wear, the more convinced I am that we have extremely unrealistic expectations of life in our culture. The one thing that contrasts this more than anything is the difference between military and civilian life. I do think that military families have these expectations tempered because of the demands put on them. Expectations are maybe a little more realistic, and maybe that is another strength we have to build on.
In larger society we are often fed this prosperity message that if marriage is not full of passion, romance, financial prosperity and health then it must be leading towards divorce. You have to wonder if there is a little pygmalion effect since we are told by the “professionals” that marital discord and marital struggles are bad. The truth of the matter is they are normal. I would even dare say that if we learn through the struggles how to navigate the rough waters, we even greatly benefit from them in the long run.
Learning, growing, living and loving through adversity is certainly no stranger to military families! As best put in the motto of the United States Merchant Marine Academy: Acta Non Verba (actions, not words)
James F. Mingey, a service-disabled Veteran entrepreneur and business development expert, has been selected President and CEO of National Veterans Business Development Corporation (NVBDC) dba The Veterans Corporation (TVC), a Congressionally-chartered nonprofit dedicated to assisting Veterans, service-disabled Veterans, members of the Guard and Reserve, military family members and surviving spouses with starting or growing their small businesses.
Mingey is the first Veteran entrepreneur to be selected as CEO of TVC and plans to refocus limited resources in order to expand TVC’s reach into the Veteran Community.
Mingey has indicated that, “My goal is to bring TVC back to basics, providing Veterans with access to the tools required to become successful in business. By working with Veteran Service Organizations, organizations inside and out of government, TVC’s Board of Directors and a vast network of knowledgeable, committed Veteran Business owners and advocates; TVC will be uniquely poised to assist our nation’s Veterans, especially those returning from Iraq and Afghanistan, in pursuing their own American Dream.”
“Additionally, TVC will recommit to help expand the network of Veteran Business Resource Centers and create a funding stream in the private sector that will enable TVC to gradually become less dependent on government funds. Perhaps most importantly, I am committed to developing strict new standards for all Veterans business outreach and services.”
With a steady stream of Veterans returning home from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Mingey will bring his energy, expertise and a fresh set of ideas into the Veteran community in order to address the increasing challenges America’s Veteran entrepreneurs face when they return to their families and communities.
The mission of TVC is to create more prosperous communities and a stronger national economy by fostering business opportunities for Veterans and service-disabled Veterans. Mingey states, “I am committed to enhancing TVC’s mission primarily through its website, its help desk, and new Veteran Business Outreach Centers.”
James Mingey is the former long term managing director of NEOF.
The loan limits for VA Home Loans have been released for the Jan. 1, 2009 – Dec. 31, 2009 year. The amount the Veteran or active-duty member may borrow depends upon the county in which he or she wishes to purchase. This is due to housing costs being much higher in certain counties, and the VA adjusts the limits accordingly. Although the VA itself does not issue VA loans, nor does it impose a maximum loan amount, it does guarantee 25% of the loan to the lender. These limits, as well as whether part of the entitlement has been used but not restored, are calculated when figuring how much of the loan the VA will guarantee.
You can check the VA Web site for specific county loan limits or view our own VA Mortgage Center.com VA Loan Limit Calculator. If you have any questions about the loan limits, the site includes the VA Regional Loan Center for each listed county. For all other counties that are not listed, the 2009 loan limit is $417,000.
I’ve got a question for all those hippies and peaceniks (ie: moonbats) out there going ape nuts over the all-out war taking place between Israel and Palestine (and soon Hezbollah): Are you blind?
People like head hippie Jane Stillwater call what’s going on in Gaza “genocide” and would like to see a “Middle Eastern Union” that can defeat the United States.
United Nefariously Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon has expressed grave concerns over the conflict. But, where was the world and moonbat outrage each time the Palestinians launched rockets into Israel. Time after time the US and others have convinced Israel to look the other way at such attacks. And the more they heeded our calls for calmness the worse the attacks got. The rockets began to fall deeper and deeper into Israel.
Israel has done well in biting its tongue and holding back on their response to this overt aggression. But, at some point one has to stop the slow bleeding and encroachment of its sovereignty. Much like we did in 2001, at some point enough has to be enough.
For years, the United States got its nose bloodied by terrorist attack after terrorist attack. Our barracks were bombed. Soldiers died. Our embassies were bombed. Marines died. Our ships were bombed. Sailors died. Finally, our cities were bombed. Civilians died. President Bush had had enough. And other than attacks against armed and defensible military targets, our forays into taking the fight to the enemy have worked.
This is the exact same tactic that Israel needs to take. This doesn’t have to happen. Israel has long agreed to a two-state solution where both can live side by side. The Palestinians want it all. And they want it all by the tip of a sword and through the barrel of a gun (or at the end of a suicide bombers life).
Hamas just doesn’t know what it’s gotten itself into. It has no Air Force. It has no technical intelligence capabilities. It has no coherent command and control apparatus. It has no system for sustaining and equipping the force. Israel has all these things as evidenced by the bombing of “hidden” tunnels and concealed bombs meant to kill as a result of any attack. The result is hundreds of Palestinians populating the heralded “graveyard” Hamas was claiming the Israelis would occupy while Israeli deaths are barely in the double digits.
And all Israel wants is for Hamas for stop launching rockets into Israel, yet the left thinks Hamas is the victim in all this. Never mind the fact that Israelis are living in fear that a rocket will land in their homes and kill innocent people. Hamas is having a field day parading through the media photos of innocent Palestinian women and children injured or killed by “Israeli aggression” without accepting any responsibility for why it’s happening.
And where is our President-elect in all of this. On his own campaign website, Obama promises “a Strong U.S.-Israel Partnership.” Yet, he hasn’t said a word of support or admonition against either side. He minced no words in proclaiming “that the United States would never distance itself from Israel.” Now is the chance to actually stick by a campaign promise and all we hear is crickets. Oh, who am I kidding? I never expected him to keep any of those promises anyway. Let’s move on.
While Hamas was launching rockets onto civilian targets in Israel, where were the huge demonstrations through the streets of Washington, D.C.? Instead, we get this:
This is a video I created a little over a year ago during the last Hamas-supporter march through D.C. It’s interspersed with stock photos of Hamas and Hezbullah. But, the parades weren’t much different this time. Subversive groups like ANSWER are planning all sorts of protests against…not Hamas, but Israel.
This is why Arabs will continue to suffer unwarranted issues like racial profiling. They don’t stand up against the wrong side and choose to support and demonstrate on behalf terrorist organizations. Where are the Arab-Americans, if I can call them that, demonstrating against the countless numbers of attacks against Israel.
Here’s how this can end. Hamas just needs to stop shooting rockets into Israel. Hamas needs to formally accept a two-state solution. Israel has already done that. As long as Hamas thinks they deserve complete and total control over the land, they continue to get slaughtered. As long as Palestinians cling to terrorist pseudo-governments, they will continue to be slaughtered. As long as Palestinians continue to resort to suicide bombing and IEDs, they will continue to get slaughtered.
The world is up in arms that Israel is slaughtering Hamas by the hundreds while suffering few casualties of their own. The “graveyard” Hamas promised is filled with the ghosts of innocent Palestinian women and children because they choose to wage war from civilian locations.
And the United States needs to stay out of the fray monetarily and with materiel to Israel. Diplomatic concerns are the only involvement we should have. Let Israel and Hamas fight it out until a victor emerges and one side is defeated. But, we have no right to tell Israel they can’t defend themselves with war after we have engaged ourselves in two of them in the name of self defense.
We’re only exacerbating the problem if we move beyond words. But, words mean a lot, Mr. Obama. To both sides. Your silence is deafening, but not to the right people.
As always, this is a great story more people should read.
HARRISBURG, Pa., (1/5/08) – Training is what got Spc. Jason D. Harrington into Iraq, and training is what got him out alive.
“I was just doing what I had to do,” said Harrington, who was presented the Silver Star in a ceremony held here on Dec. 27. “I think any other Soldier would have done the same thing.”
His actions were credited with saving the lives of fellow Soldiers during an incident in Iraq in September 2005.
Harrington joined the Pennsylvania National Guard to pay for college after graduating from high school in 2000.After he completed all of his individual training, “I was kid of itching to go over there,” Harrington told his hometown newspaper, the Lancaster, Pa., Intelligencer Journal.
He got his chance in June 2005, when he was assigned to Company A, 1st Battalion, 172nd Armor as a member of a long range surveillance and sniper team.
On Sept. 19, 2005, three of Harrington’s platoon members, including his platoon leader, were killed after being attacked with an improvised explosive device (IED).
According to his award citation, Harrington immediately volunteered to be part of a reaction force to respond to the scene. Along with another platoon, he left his base and moved into a known high-threat area with little friendly presence.
As the two Humvees in his group were moving to the scene, the vehicle that he was in was struck with an IED, tearing off the front of the vehicle.
“I was pretty fortunate to be able to walk away from that,” Harrington told the Lancaster newspaper.
Disoriented from the explosion, not knowing the extent of his own injuries at the time and suffering from a possible concussion, Harrington’s training took over.
First, he physically checked the crew in his Humvee for injuries. “There were 10 of us in my Humvee, and we all walked away, Harrington told the Harrisburg, Pa., Patriot News.
After everyone was checked, he exited the destroyed vehicle and began to engage the enemy positions exposing him to small arms fire.
The platoon sergeant hooked a tow strap to Harrington’s vehicle and began to pull it away from enemy fire when both Humvees were struck by a second IED, knocking the platoon sergeant out of the vehicle.
Harrington helped a medic begin first aid on the wounded platoon sergeant, according to the citation.
With the two Humvees now disabled and without communications, Harrington grabbed a radio out of his bag and established communications with headquarters.
“If I had not had my radio, who knows what would have happened,” Harrington told the Patriot News.
After the recovery effort was completed, he again assumed additional risk to himself by helping to sweep the unsecured area for insurgents.
“Spec. Harrington’s calm under fire and personal courage were directly responsibility for saving lives on a day when many more lives could have been lost,” the citation states.
Harrington, who left the Guard in 2006, is only the third 28th Infantry Division Soldier to be awarded the Silver Star.
“The Silver Star is not something that is given out lightly,” said Brig. Gen. Jerry G. Beck, the 28th ID commander, who described Harrington’s story as “a real hero’s story.”
It is the third-highest decoration for members of the U.S. armed forces after the Distinguished Service Cross and the Medal of Honor.
“Every day, I know how lucky I was to make it out,” he told the Patriot News. “And unhurt at that too.”
By Sgt. Maj. Walter S. Zapotoczny Jr.
Pennsylvania National Guard
For the first time ever, Iraq has recognized Christmas as an official holiday. Not only are Christians excited about this development, but REAL Muslims – not the extremist ones – are also happy about it. This is a great video from CNN.
This would NOT have been possible without the efforts of American troops under the leadership of President Bush. The Middle East is beginning to understand and appreciate true freedom like they’ve never known. And it starts with Iraq.
As the country of Iraq continues to become more prosperous and successful, other Middle East nationals will see this example and desire it for themselves, if they don’t already. These changes will hopefully come internally. The Afghan people may also look to the example that Iraq has become and desire the same positive outlook for their lives. They will turn against the Taliban and terrorist forces and understand that true peace comes from freedom and democracy.
It’s that time of year again. The Military Times is looking for this year’s Service Member of the Year. Each year Military Times honors an “Everyday Hero.” Someone with whom you are proud to serve. Someone whose dedication, professionalism and concern for their fellow soldiers and community set a standard for us all. It’s time for you to submit your nomination for the 2009 Service Members of the Year Awards!
To nominate a Soldier, click HERE.
To nominate a Marine, click HERE.
To nominate a Sailor, click HERE.
To nominate an Airman, click HERE.
To nominate a Coast Guardsman, click HERE.
If you know someone who is committed 24/7, here is your chance to nominate them to receive the Military Times’ Service Member of the Year Award. Previous winners have cited their award as one of the highlights of their military career.
Winners will be announced in July 2009. Don’t delay, submit your nominee now! Need some inspiration or motivation? Check out last year’s winners.
You Served's Claire talks about the life of a military spouse - the hardships, the joys, and everything in between.
Join the discussion in our new Spouse and Family section!
